how do i get out of my depression (in grad school)?

Question

I am in grad school in math (2nd yr). I have been suffering from acute depression. I keep thinking about how low and worthless I am. Most of my batchmates who took real jobs seem to have both money and power, i have neither; i make $16500 a yr, less than a janitor. I am forced to bow to cocky undergraduates day after day. I hate teaching assistantships, they are more like having to lick up the stuff that is undigested in prof's lectures and feed it again. recently the dept moved me into an office no larger than a writing desk and now they are talking about whether grad students should have offices at all. I wonder what my fault is that I have become such a total failure. At times the pain gets so acute that I feel that if slitting my throat with a butcher knife is the only way out... so be it. leaving is not an option because that way I would have to give up everything i ever lived for. no money to consult a doctor.

Answer 1

"To have the time to worry is a luxury!"
List down all your worries first. I may say you have partly done that. Now what are they ? You say your batchmates are earning more than you. So you think all that matters is who earns more ? There are a few possibilities here to think about
1. Never waste your time in comparisons in areas like Happiness. Never try to seek happiness thru comparisons. Because happiness is very personal.
(Have you read the news about Grigori Perelman. The mathematician who refused the Field's medal ?)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grigori_Perelman

2. I don't know why are you pursuing graduate studies. But if you are doing it out of your own interest in the subject then weighing the time spent on studying with respect to money earned is out of question. If you are studying because that way your earning prospects are likely to increase, then since you have already made your decision, don't waste your time on reconsidering your decision. Simply concentrate on the job at hand. Perhaps in few years/months time you will have opportunities that your friends who did not continue their studies will never have. In any case I feel maths is a subject which is going to become more and more important. In sciences there was a time when Chemistry was in demand, then came a time for Physics and now it is Biology which is receiving lot of funding. But if you notice all these are heavily dependent on Maths. I don't know what particular branch of Maths you specialize in but as history has shown almost every branch of maths has applications. ( e.g. Number Theory => Cryptography ). But even if you decide to switch to a subject other than maths you have a wide choice. Mathematicans have execelld in Finance, Econometrics, Computer Science and many other fields. So you hardly have to worry about.
3. "teaching assistantships" So you hate it. But what is the point in hating what your are supposed to do. Try to take interest in it. Look at it as a challenge. Discuss the problems related to teaching with other assisstants. I sometimes used to offer to teach topics which I myself had not studied ( but wanted to study ). Thereby forcing myself out of my laziness. Another way to make teaching interesting is to introduce the topics from recreational mahtematics to students. A lot of work has been done in this area and the possibilities are actually limitless. ( BTW Have you heard the name of Martin Gardner ? Have you read any of his books ? Also try books written by Ian Stewart, Raymond Smullyan ) By the way, are you sure all your friends who are doing other jobs and earning more than you; are working on things they like and enjoy doing ? Franky I feel all jobs are boring. As you hardly have any freedom in choosing what you should do. But if at all we are talking about jobs having some freedom in them they are jobs related to teaching and research! ( Believe me, I am not in teaching now and can confirm this from personal experience. )
4. You complain about the space provided to you. Is it so bad that you must end your life ? However busy you may be, start spending some time for your hobbies. Listen to music, do something with your hands e.g. gardening, watering a plant even if it is a single plant in the room!
5. Start learning a new language. Start doing it even if you don't have any free time for systematic study. (I ask a colleague of mine to teach me one word everyday from a language he knows but I don't.)
6. Do some physical exercise daily.
7. Try to have fixed timings for some of the daily chores. Once a week make a call to one of your friends/Write a letter home. ( Here I repeat writing is better than a phone call.).
8. Try to make friendship with other graduate students. Find if there are website/chat rooms for gaduate students to discuss their problems. Don't think you and your problems are in any way special.
9. Resolve for today: That not just because of current problems but even in future you will never entertain the idea of suicide. Don't ever give up. If you ever are very much depressed call some local helpline.

Cheer up. Study harder. Higher studies are definitely tough for everyone.

Answer 2

You have 2 separate issues here that are exacerbating one another. One, being a grad student and teaching assistant really legitimately sucks. Been there. It really is pretty horrible for all the reasons you explained so well. Two, you are depressed, which is a physical illness and should be treated as such. Any decent doctor can get you on some meds that will help you snap out of this funk you are in. Sometimes all it takes is a short term dose; some people have to take them for the rest of thier lives.

But that's the key: life. You say you are absolutely stuck, but that's just depression talking. You always have choices. (They might not be good choices, but they're choices.) The first one you have to make, as a personal pact with yourself, is to live. No job, relationship, or grad program is worth dying over.

You may lose face, but you can walk away from your life today and start over in a new town as an irrigation consultant. My point is that when you get to the point where your biological instinct toward self-preservation is being overridden by depression, it's perfectly OK to throw all previous assumptions out the window.

All universities have health clinics. May not be the ritzy kind, but they can hook you up with some meds, which you need, and a therapist.

Finally, tell a friend you trust what you are thinking. Tell your family. Yes, it creates a mess, but it also creates accountability. It means someone is calling and making sure you are keeping that promise to yourself, that you will live and figure out how to do it better, no matter what the cost.

Answer 3

When you are depressed, just think of your blessings and focus on the positives in your life. Why are you in grad school in the first place? Reexamine yourself. You are not a failure at all. You have a college degree and are now completing your masterals. Just complete your program. When you already have a masteral degree, you can get a stable teaching job. Then pursue your doctorate. If you have a PhD in Math, you can get at least an Assistant Professor position and can earn a lot than what you make now. Also, you get to belong to the upper crust of the academia since not a majority have MAs and PhDs. You can augment your income by doing research projects, write and publish a book, contribute articles to magazines and scholarly journals, conduct tutorials, or do consutancy jobs with private firms and government agencies. If you get bored with teaching and research, consider working in the corporate world. You can use your skills in posts like Insurance Actuarist, Financial Advisor, Credit Appraiser, Economic Analyst, and even Educational Consultant. The opportunities are endless. You have so many to thank for and so little to complain about.Thank GOD and pray for guidance. Cheer up! Choose to be happy.

Answer 4

I suffer from manic depression. I've been battling it since I was 15. When I didn't have insurance or money I found the best therapy was a journal. Getting all my thoughts and feelings out of my head. Then I went to the batting cages and took a bubble bath (both are great stress relievers). Find a friend you can vent to...don't have any? Feel free to e-mail me whenever you want. I know it sucks and it's hard to cope with but as long as you have a great support net and find something that works for you, you'll make it. See if there's a community center in your area that offers free counseling...many do you just have to find them. I know it sounds cheesey but you have to find something that inspires you to be happy being you. Now that I've had a baby, I'm suffering post-partum as well and I don't want to take my pills cause they can be transferred through the breast milk so I have to go back to my old techniques and invent some new ones. Best of luck to you and like I said, if you need someone to vent to or talk to, feel free to e-mail!

Answer 5

You are looking at the world, at every angle, in a depressed way. Everything seems to either make you depressed or as angry as hell. Maybe you need to be somewhat more accepting of others and not see them as your competition, but as people going through their own stuff in spite of you. All you have done, from what I've read, is complain. You might try finding something positive in your life--you are obviously bright but lack the ability to see a bright future for yourself--the curse of the depressed. Do you really need the power you mention? I doubt it. You need to feel okay about yourself so you need to really be honest with yourself and see that you're no worse than most others, and probably no better. Life is a journey, not a destination.