its not that he drinks everyday, maybe 1-2 times a week but when he does he gets really wrecked and is abusive. he argue's about stupid things and is generally a horrible person... he is the exact opposite whan he sober and we have a wonderfull marriage but i just never know if he is going to turn up from work drunk or what mood he will be in? i cant deal with the abuse and i feel really depressed but i also feel that i cant live without him...
we have spoken about this problem and he admits that he should'nt drink but once he starts he just cant stop... what should i do???
2006-10-12 02:17:38 · 40 answers · asked by lp261084 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You do NOT have a wonderful marriage if this man gets abusive and if you have to worry every day how he will behave when he gets home.
Contact Alcoholics Anonymous. There is Al-Anon for family members of alcoholics. Also check out some organizations for abused women. Why do you stay? Are you waiting for him to seriously injure or even kill you? Are children involved? Your self esteem needs some work if you think you can't live without this loser. You deserve better, and you know it.
2006-10-12 02:21:18 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Given the fact that he only appears to get drunk twice a week, it is more likely that he is dealing with an underlying problem. The alcohol abuse would appear to be a form of self medication rather than dependency. You will need to check that he is not drinking in secret at other times of the week. If this proves ok then your next step should be to try to identify the problem. Talk when he is sober. Some professional help may be needed. If he refuses and you feel your marriage is worth it, you can seek help independently from Al Anon. Perhaps his self-confidence is low and he needs reassurance. Be careful and always approach him when he is sober.
Don't take any risks and remember that you have an inalienable right to live free from fear. He has to accept this.
2006-10-12 03:00:49 · answer #2 · answered by des c 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, a lot of people will tell you that yes, he is an alcoholic, but there is not enough information to make that determination. What he does have for certain is a drinking problem. He needs help and so do you if he is abusive. Alcohol is no excuse for being rude, violent, cheating, lying, stealing, robbing, murder or anything else that people try to attribute to alcohol. You say that you can not live without him, but I think you should ask yourself, if he is abusive when drinking, can you live with him or will he hurt you or worse some day?
2006-10-12 02:33:54 · answer #3 · answered by Suthern R 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I went through the same exact thing, except my husband did it more often. Everytime we would have a major fight, the next morning he would tell me he would quit He never did though. I was scared to death to make a move.. I also felt the same way, that I loved him and didn;t want to leave him, but you know, I couldn't take it no more. I knew I had to be happy and I wasn't happy with him. I did everything for him and he treated me like crap. I left him. I thought I would be sad and would cry the whole time, but you know, once I got on that bus, I felt free knowing I don't have to be scared anymore. You should leave him. He wont change. I guarantee you will be happier. Even if you are sad, it will go away. I am sure you will feel a relief though. Please leave him. You don't need to put up with that. If he tells you you won't be able to make it without him, or noone else would want you, don't listen to him. He is just saying that so you won't leave and so he can keep doing t his to you. He says he loves you, but think of this, if you really love someone, would you hurt them so many times and hurt them so bad and not even care enough to stop doing it?
2006-10-12 02:26:08 · answer #4 · answered by Billys girl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get him to go to a relate councilling session with you. You shouldn't have to put up with this type of abuse. Domestic abusers use this cycle of dependence and being sorry after the event. If he can't control his temper when he is drunk, then he shouldn't be drinking. If he can't give up the drink, then perhaps you could get him to agree to stay in a hotel for the night when he is intoxicated instead of terrorising you.
Another thought, perhaps you could secretly film or record him the next time he is drunk and abusive, then play this back to him when he is sober....that should be enough of a wake-up call for him.
My heart goes out to you, stay strong, and know that you are a child of the universe with as much of a right to be here as anyone else. You deserve happiness. k x
2006-10-12 02:24:29 · answer #5 · answered by kchick8080 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sounds like he does have a problem. An alcoholic doesnt have to drink everyday to be classed as one its whether they now when theyve enough and how to control themselves.
If your depressed you should stay away from him tell him your leaving him because you feel like this because of what hes doing to himself. Eventually in time you will move on, socialise go out and meet new people.
Theres no reason why he should be abusive, hes a loser taht he does that, if he doesnt respect you what is the point?
Also why only have half a marriage thats isnt why you got married its all nothing.
2006-10-12 06:25:39 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is not an alcoholic until he admits he is one.
I lived with an abusive alcoholic step-father and he drank as soon as he possibly could till he dropped, day in day out. Your husband sounds more of a binge drinker BUT it could lead to alcohol dependency so needs to be kept in line.
Try discussing with him your worries and how his abusive nature when he is drunk makes you feel. MAKE HIM LISTEN. Perhaps that is all it needs to keep his drinking on track.
He may need counselling to tackle why he feels he needs to drink to such a heavy extent. And you may need counselling as a couple to discover whether you can both get over these previous actions.
You must be feeling very down at the moment and scared at the prospect of living without him. But remember you are doing yourself so much harm accepting the abuse from him and in time your depression will be greater.
I speak from experience, I watched my mother through time become increasingly more depressed until she had no time, energy or inclination to spend any time with her children. She finally left him after 22 years of physical and mental abuse which occurred daily.
Please don't be a statistic, fight now to either save your marriage, yourself and your husband or move on and heal yourself.
Either way you should move on guilt free, it is your husband's problem not yours.
x
2006-10-12 02:59:55 · answer #7 · answered by boudicea 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The definition of an alcoholic is not how many times , days, etc. that a person drinks , it's how the alcohol effects a person. And coming from experience I am definately saying your husband has an alchol problem.His mood changes as well as his actions are proving that. As he cannot stop once he starts is a sure sign. It will only get worse before it gets better if help doesn't intervene now.Get yourself into Alanon, and get there fast!! Good luck my friend.
2006-10-12 02:25:10 · answer #8 · answered by dreamgirl_deb 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Been there myself - as the abuser. I've faced up to it now and I'm not joking. It was my reaction to the problems in my marriage that was giving me the excuse to binge drink - it was so much easier that getting it sorted out. I had terrible changes in outlook like you have pointed out but I noticed I did that whether I had been drinking or not - but alcohol definitely made it so much worse. Ask you husband what he really thinks of your life together but be ready for some surprises; men are complete bastards for keeping the most fundamental problems under cover if everything seems alright. Men tick over if it seems ok and it's only when they get drunk that the problems that lay just under the surface come out. It's not healthy, I can see that now. Be prepared and ask him what's really wrong. Then ask him again.
2006-10-12 02:26:35 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Usually when someone acts the way like he does when he drinks yes he is an alcoholic. He could be a social alcoholic where he only drinks at social events. You should have a long talk with him and tell him what he is like when he drinks. Do this when he has not had any drinks. Tell him how this makes you feel and how you do not like the heckle and jeckle effect it has on him. Suggest to him AA that is all you can really do. He has to want to quit drinking on his own.
2006-10-12 02:35:47 · answer #10 · answered by luvlisteningtomusic 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋