It is hard on my new relationship. It has caused alot of problems and fighting. For three years, my boyfriend has given it his all in trying to get the kids approval. They are l8, 20, and l2. On top of it all, the kids snub me a little and talk to my parents about what a geek he is. This is very hurtful to him and makes me mad. Will it ever change? Will I ever be able to share a meal with my 3 kids and the man I love at Christmas or ever? What can I do to fix this? It makes life miserable when we all can't be together.
2006-10-12 02:12:03 · 19 answers · asked by lucy p 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Their Dad badmouths him. They are loyal to their Dad because he provides the cars, insurance, cell phones, clothes, etc...He took them to DisneyWorld, Bahamas, and New York. The 23 yrs.we were married, we took one vacation all together. I begged him for time together as a family. He never went to my friends house..to eat or play cards...now he goes to MY friends house without me. He takes my youngest daughter. I am so bitter and mad and resentful that my ex is being all nicey wicey now. But the kids are buying it. Poor Dad.
Mom left him for another man. And that man is not as cute or sucessful as our Dad. But you know what, he is much more loving and attentive. He may not be the Vice President of a company, but he is romantic and sweet to me. They don't seem to care...they see him as the one who took their mom away from them and their Dad. He broke the family up. What do I do?
2006-10-12 02:32:13 · update #1
I am being judged by my family and friends as selfish and a bad mother. How could I do this to everyone? I was such a goody goody all my life...this was so out of character for me....but I feel so guilty about pleasing myself. Its not Christian, its not being a good mother, its not having any pride....that is what they all say. I have to choose between the man I love and my kids? How can I do that? Well, right now....my bf and I are seperated. It has been so hard on all of us. So we are taking a break.
2006-10-12 02:35:01 · update #2
I am so lonely now. I was lonely for my relationships with my children with my boyfriend. And now I am lonely for my boyfriend with my kids in my life. I hate this. It hurts so bad. Is God mad at me or what?
2006-10-12 02:37:12 · update #3
My boyfriend is 50 and I am 45. He is good to me. My ex talks to my parents all the time and cuts him down. My parents don't want to not believe him...why? My ex is sooooo smart and good looking and the father of my 3 kids. Funny, my ex was banned from my parents' house by my Dad the past 10 years...and now all of a sudden...he is welcome at my parents house again...weird I think. My Dad hated my ex. Now he acts all nice to him. Makes me mad. My mom is afraid my ex won't let her see the grandkids. So she is siding with him. And they think I have mental issues....I am weak and easily influenced by this new boyfriend when the fact of the matter is I finally found someone who really loves me. I was tired of being ignored, yelled at , called names, disrespected, putting up with temper tantrums, emotionally abusing the kids and me....etc... And my parents know this. Why is everyone siding with my ex? It hurts so bad.
2006-10-12 02:43:35 · update #4
If your 18 and 20 year olds can't have a dinner without causing problems then make it a requirement to live with you. And your boyfriend might be a dork, but your kids need to learn how to get along with other people that they don't like. Your 12 year old is most likely taking his/her lead from the two older ones, and that makes dealing with it more difficult. Possibly talking to the three about how you love him and how it crushes you that they can't just be civil to each other, might help some but I would guess you've already tried that. And your boyfriend shouldn't try so hard. If he is constantly trying to make them like him, it really makes him look like a "dork", shows weakness, and doesn't do anything to suggest that respect should be shown to him. He needs to be himself, and let things go naturally.
2006-10-12 02:23:13 · answer #1 · answered by jbrowning001 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have a loaded question here. I don't know how your boyfriend treats you. I assume you are divorced, is the ex involved with the kids? Do your parents like the new guy? If not why not? Because of what the kids say? Are your parents really that easily misled? or are you the one that can't see. It is a hard question to answer. The only child that should matter is the 12 year old. Is he(she) being influenced by the older ones? The 21 year old is an adult. He should be told to butt out. The 18 year old has no choice of where he lives, and if he was 15, when you started dating, he probably won't ever like new boy. None of them need to like him. This is about you! Newbie and you need to recognize, you have to make the best of a bad situation. He is not a parent and never will be. Quit asking him to help with correcting the younger ones. He need to handle them as if they were the neighbors kids. In other words, they are your problem, not his, if he quits being involved as a rule maker/enforcer (parents of teenagers). Then the kids can only be rude to him and not mad at him. That will pass if he really is the wonderful guy you think. Tell him to treat them with respect and that is all, he doesn't need to be their buddy, friend, or Boss. See what I mean about a loaded question. I don't know all the facts! So the kids could be wrong, or you could be wrong.
2006-10-12 02:36:43 · answer #2 · answered by T C 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your children may never except your boyfriend. They're approval would be nice, but they aren't the ones who ultimately choose who you will like and dislike. Sit down and talk to them all together. Let them air their feelings and you tell them how you feel about the way they have been acting and how much it hurts you. Tell them that if they have a problem with the relationship to talk to you and not go running to Gramma and Grandpa. Unless there is some major/ serious reason they have for not liking him they should at least be courteous and show respect.
It is your house and you need to set up some basic rules, tough love if you will (ex: disrespect isn't tolerated in your house). As for the 18 and 20 year old if they are living with you and don't like the rules they can always move. I know that is harsh, but you need to be firm if you want this to work. Also you have to except that they may never like him. Feelings can' t be forced. You may have to make a decision, boyfriend or family Christmases together.
Addition: I just went back and read all your additions. Sounds like you have a lot of problems involving you, your ex, your parents, your children and your boyfriend. I'm definitely not qualified to give you the kind of impartial advice you need, neither are most of these people who have answered here. People are always quick to judge others according to their beliefs and life's teachings. I am guilty of that too. That is why I wrote impartial advice.
I would suggest you get some advice from a marriage counselor or even try going to Dr. Phil's website; drphil.com
You don't have to go on TV necessarily unless you want, you can just ask questions and get advice via his website.
2006-10-12 02:43:38 · answer #3 · answered by Country Hick 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe we should treat them like cat's! Put them on opposites sides of the door and just let them sniff for a few days. lol
Hon, I'm sorry but that is all too common a scenario with kids. Your kids are for all practical purposes adults they should act like it. Sit them all down, and tell him how hurtful their actions are to you personally. You've done the best you could in raising them, and they treat you like this? Remind them that you have the right to be happy and loved. Be Gentle, they've had you alone for a long time. This guy is hording in on their territory. Explain how you feel about this guy. Don't threaten them in anyway. Simple state the facts. It will be fine. Give it some time. Good luck! hugs!
2006-10-12 02:20:04 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sit down and talk, ALL OF YOU. You need to express your feelings to everyone and everyone else should express what they feel. I seriously doubt that the 18 & 20 year olds are going to change their mind, but you should have some room with the 12 year old. Maybe if you all cannot talk it out, try going to a therapist. It just might help. Good luck!
2006-10-12 02:16:35 · answer #5 · answered by Fuzzy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
to be honest,,the 18 and 20 year old should know better but the 12 year old,,,just keep plugging away,,you have survived 3 years and it will have made an impact,,enjoy what YOU have,try not to get involved in arguements as in dont jump in to protect your man from the kids,,this just generates conflict between the kids and him,,let him try to get them on side,,let the older kids know you love them and respect their feelings but...they need to respect yours and you must be firm with this,,they are at an age where mum shouldnt really need someone they dont approve of without realising you can date who you wish even if they dont see the attraction,,it is their age dictating their thoughts on this,,you are the adult and im sure have thought long and hard at the begining if this relationship was worth the agrivation,,well obviously he has kept you happy as three years is not a one night stand is it.where the 12 year old is concerned,she is old enough to have an opinion about who you date but if he is good to you and doesnt make you unhappy,talk to her,ask her exactly what she sees as wrong for you to date this man,,and "i dont like him" isnt good enough,,she may just be siding with the siblings here but if she can see he really is a good man she may in time come round,,dont appologise for wanting a bit of happiness and dont invite critisism of your man,,you wont accept it,period.she is still a child and isnt meant to see in him what you do.incude them if they want but dont make a meal over it,,if they want to see you you come as a package,,some may not agree but i dont think ,,if he is a good man and makes you happy,that you should be held to randsom to your children,,ask them,,would they prefer you single and alone or getting a second shot at what they are all going to be doing soon?
2006-10-12 02:26:46 · answer #6 · answered by lex 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Make yourself happy, don't worry about what others think, it's your life live it. If the kids have a problem than they'll just have to get over it, they should have enough respect for you, so that they are happy that you're happy. Sounds like their being selfish
2006-10-12 02:16:30 · answer #7 · answered by dns618 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
#1 YOUR KIDS ARE AT THAT "NO IT ALL" AGE. THIS MAN HAS REPLACED THEIR FATHER, ALWAYS A TOUCHY SUBJECT, HE DOESN'T NEED THE KIDS APPROVAL, JUST THEIR RESPECT!! TRY FAMILY COUNSELING, THIS CAN HELP!! WHY ARE YOUR PARENTS TELLING THIS POOR GUY WHAT THE KIDS THINK!! THAT'S A PROBLEM IN ITSELF. HAVE YOU TRIED SITTING WITH JUST THE KIDS AND ASKING THEM JUST WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM WITH THIS MAN?? ARE YOU READY TO HEAR WHAT THEY TRULY THINK?? MAYBE YOU, THEIR MOTHER HAS TO PUT HER FOOT DOWN, AND TELL THESE KIDS THAT THEY WILL RESPECT THIS MAN, THEY DON'T HAVE TO LIKE HIM, HELL TWO OF THEM ARE OLD ENOUGH TO LEAVE HOME, MAYBE AN OPTION?? THEY DON'T HAVE TO LOVE HIM BUT THEY WILL RESPECT HIM. HE IS CONTRIBUTING TO THEIR LIVLY HOOD, FOOD.LIGHTS,CLOTHING, HOME....ECT. THEY SOUND A LITTLE UNGRATEFUL TO ME, AND AS A MOTHER OF FOUR MYSELF, THAT FALLS BACK ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2006-10-12 02:24:26 · answer #8 · answered by mamaexfour 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
my mom is in this situation but 2 out 5 of kids like him but like ya kids have to see it like this do they want you to be happy or not you know if they really want to see you happy they will learn to accept him it doesnt matter how he look if there mother is happy that is all that matter cause i know i like the way my mom is when wit her boyfriend i learned to accept him and it been about 3 years too
2006-10-12 02:19:02 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off, they don't have to like him... secondly they are all old enough to offer their mom the respect she deserves and not be
selfish and think only of themselves... ask them not to compare
him to their dad, but simply think of him as your new man and not a replacement for their dad. Establish a common ground that
he can walk on and be appreciated instead of judged.
2006-10-12 02:17:25 · answer #10 · answered by RiverRat 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋