I have been married for 9 years, we've been together since graduating HS (she is 2 years younger than me). We have two children now. We had our first kid at a very young age.
She has an eating disorder and also has told me she was molested by a trusted family member at a young age (I've know for awhile).
I have anger/control issues and seem to take them all out of the family verbally. I have been the opposite of what she needs.
The last few years she has been finding her emotional support with old friends (online and in person).
Recently she went to Vegas on some questionable grounds. She started birth control 30 days before going. We got into a fight when she got back regarding all the trips she wants to go on and now she needs space and wants to leave. I have convinced her to stay for now. She says wants space and want to go on another trip to get away.
I must know if she cheated on me. I understand if she did, but how do I ask without chasing her away forever?
2006-10-12 01:55:57 · 10 answers · asked by nice guy 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
We have fought before, but not like this. She has always let me back. I am working on changing and showing her I can.
Do I give her all the space she needs before asking about this? Will she keep it a secret forever? If she does will it ever work out?
2006-10-12 01:59:09 · update #1
Pursuing her seemed to always work before when she has shut me off. This time it feels pretty different.
How can I know if she really needs me to push to show my love for her?
2006-10-12 02:05:57 · update #2
I was only able to talk her into staying by offering to give her this space. Now this space has been defined as going out to get some alone time. This will also include a small party with friends, and one of the male friends (he's fat) but he's been there for her will be there. Can I tell her no now?
2006-10-12 02:45:50 · update #3
She needs therapy not trips to get away. Its time to deal with her issues not run.
Do not facilitate her destuctive behavior. If she wants space you need to give her some but not by trips where she can do this.
Tell her you will get her into some individual therapy. You will help her any way you can within the confines of some conditions. Those are, No Other Men. She gets therapy, She stays home.
If this won't do it she needs to find someplace else to live.
It is totally unfair to expect you to wait while she gets her space in and out of trips where she is probably cheating. Whether she is or is not is not at issue right now. You should not willingly allow her to be in a position where this is apparent.
I repeat, It is not important that you know yes or no on the cheating. It is important that she removes herself from the appearance of the behavior. Then get her some help.
The specific knowledge will only hurt worse and will cloud the issue of solving the problem. Start with today and formulate a plan with positive steps to help her with her issues. You win in the long run. At this time it seems you are not part of the problem. Do not become one. Be seen as the person who is trying to help her. Its what a mate does. This woman seems to have esteem issues which might have started with abuse thus the eating disorder. Work on that not the symptoms with infidelity being one. She sounds lost and is looking for an escape. This will never end until the problem is dealt with head on. Running will not cure it.
BTW- ignore the you didn't give her what she needs BS. You are not qualified to give her what she needs which is a psycologist.
While you are at it get some anger therapy for yourself.
Follow Up- If her space is defined as partying with other guys You would be foolish to allow it. Make provision to take custody of your children and throw her to the curb if that's what she wants. You would be throwing away what little self respect you have left letting her do this. Open marriage is not a good option because it never works both ways. Put your foot down and change the locks.
Have you accepted that your yelling is some sort of serious abuse. If so you have bought into her blaming you for her behavior. If you have NEVER laid a finger on her or on the children in anger then yelling is not that big a deal. There are times when it is the only way to get your point into deaf ears. People who claim emotional abuse let it happen to themselves and claim it as a victim. The time has passed for you to put down some limits. Tell her that her arraingement is unacceptable to you. If she wants that tell her to move out. Do Not let her take your children and subject them to that lifestyle.You will regret not doing this. It sounds from this like you have been dodging this bullet for a while. It is time to put a stop to it and be married or seperate. The cycle of fighting, conceeding and making up has not served you well to date.
There might very well be a component of her needing some firm direction and limits from you. Faced with having to leave her secure home she might come to the realization that she is about to change for the worse.
2006-10-12 02:37:45 · answer #1 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One thing I wonder is.... if she did cheat, and you say you understand, and that you want to forgive her and not lose her,... then why do you need to know specifically? Just call it what it was and move on. If you're controlling and have anger issues, she's not going to want to confess, because that would open her up to more control and more anger, which would be the reasons she turned to someone else in the first place. If you want to save your marriage, then talk to her, tell her you understand what she's been through, and how she's having a hard time coming to terms with it, and that you know you haven't been the support she's needed. She has a lot of issues that are very complicated. If you really love her, and are willing to give her time to resolve things for herself, then you should do that. Maybe counseling on her own at first, followed by marriage counseling would help. But if you've driven her away by your anger and control, it's out of your hands and is completely up to her.
2006-10-12 02:35:22 · answer #2 · answered by just_me3575 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I must know if she cheated on me. I understand if she did. Why do you feel the need to know? What good is it going to do? It's just going to hurt you even more. You have gave you wife all this space, what do you think she's going to do with it. It seems to me that you are giving her the ok to do what she wants when she wants. If you are allowing this to happen then you can't ask questions. I am sorry but you are now in an open marriage.
You admitted that you have been emotionaly abusive in the past, and you are trying to make up for that. I am proud that you have admitted you have an anger problem, you should seek help with that. There are programs for us hot temper people. You are going to have to make the rules for this new relationship and stick to them. You told her she could have a party, now you say no. You can't do that. You play by the rules or you quit.
I know you love your wife, or you wouldn't be putting yourself through all of this, but can you keep it up? How much space is too much space? I think you need to sit down with her, and get those rules written down. How much freedom are you going to allow her? Since she wants her space, how about your space. Whatever she does, can you do it to? Honey, you are in a whole new world here, and if you don't get the facts straight you are going to be hurt even worse than you are now.
Please talk to her, and if you can't see yourself in this open relationship thing, then get out. There are plently of women that want one man and one man only. If you are into this open thing, then you got to play by the rules. Now, sit her down and get it in writing..so no fouls-no offsides...is there time outs? WHAT?
God bless us all.............
2006-10-12 03:16:44 · answer #3 · answered by totallylost 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she is changing because you did not give her what she needed, so she found it in herself, and probably in another man too. If you want to stay together I strongly suggest that you accept the fact that she cheated on you, as she probably did, and move on from there. Get counseling, together and separate, you each have issues that you need to work through, and there is very little chance that you will be together for much longer if you don't start to work these things out.
good luck
2006-10-12 02:04:39 · answer #4 · answered by tigweldkat 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Why does she have to go so far, to get space????
I would demand to go with her, to work on your marriage, don't give her space, THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTS, she doesn't know what's good for her, YOU, that what she needs. Whatever you do, don't yell, calm down, listen to her, and then go on a second honeymoon. It's not a fact she cheated on you, you don't have proof.
Give it at least one last chance.
Don't give her space, I am currently giving my man space, to make him happy, and I will comply, but I am weaker than you, and I just don't know where the "SPACE" will end...... I am concerned that the space he wants will only be enough if he never sees me.
2006-10-12 02:14:01 · answer #5 · answered by kiss me under the mistletoe 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yeah, she cheated. It really sounds like maybe it's over. I hate to say it because I'm a firm believer in staying in a marriage, but it sounds like you guys have been through sooooo much. Maybe try some marriage counseling? I really don't know, but good luck.
2006-10-12 02:09:56 · answer #6 · answered by toobusy 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Why ask? If you dn't want to chase her away get over this. Instead, go to the underlying causes of your problems and work on those instead.
2006-10-12 02:04:17 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just come out and ask her. However does it really matter if hse is willing to work things out with you and stay married?
2006-10-12 02:05:48 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Why don't you sneak into your wife's purse and get your balls back?
Pathetic..............
2006-10-12 08:05:40 · answer #9 · answered by onlineseeker 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Fu*ck Her. move on.
2006-10-12 02:00:54 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋