My wife and I have been married for six months, living together for almost five years and we have a four year old daughter. We've had alot of ups and downs over the years. The wedding was great and so was the honeymoon but as soon as we came back to our normal lives I noticed my wife becoming very distant. She stopped saying I love you, unless I said it first. She stopped calling and emailing throughout the day. We haven't had sex in six months. Recently she has stopped sharing the details of her life with me. She's at home every night and on the weekends, so it's difficult for me to rationalize an affair happening. She has mentioned that she is unhappy and while one week she says she is done, the next week she says she is unsure. I feel very alone. I miss her very much and she knows this, but nothing seems to change. It feels like we are just buying time until we are in a position to divorce. We still sleep in the same bed together, I can put my arms around her and she...
2006-10-12 01:42:11 · 20 answers · asked by imagineus2night 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
seems fine with it. I kiss her but when she kisses back it feels empty. These past six months have been a rollercoaster ride because all the distance and wondering has caused some pretty major fights, which further seperates us. I just don't know what is going on or how I should handle this situation. She says, she loves me but she doesn't love us. I know she has friends that she talks to. It just feels like she no longer has the desire to be intimate with me, not physically, emotionally or with conversation. It's killing me. She has said the marriage was a mistake but those things are usually said during a fight. She also says I don't know how she feels and I don't know what she tells people about how she feels and she doesn't want to give me the benefit of knowing. So I'm stuck with her actions, which are none. What do I do? I dont' want to give up, but I feel like i'm hanging on to a ghost. I sound desperate because I guess I am.
2006-10-12 01:45:57 · update #1
She won't go to counseling either. She says she will do that on her own time, whatever that means. But she won't go with me.
2006-10-12 01:47:32 · update #2
is she open to couples counseling? This sounds like depression. You need a neutral 3rd party to help, even if she just talks to someone on her own. Sounds like she was building up expectation of the marriage to change something, even if it was just in her views and not something she let you in on. Maybe she doesn't really know herself what is wrong. Communication and talking through her feelings is key here. Ask your Dr to recommend an understanding therapist.
2006-10-12 01:49:03 · answer #1 · answered by debean75 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your not going to like this but..... be the man you used to be when you first met her. The man she actually fell in love with. as time goes by people change. Some realize it some don't. The things you used to do in the beginning was no bother to you then because it was fresh and new. like the little loving considerate things that are done in a fresh relationship. As we spend more & more time with our spouse we feel bothered ( key word here - bothered) to do them after so long because we feel the wooing part is not needed or necessary any more. we become colder to the feelings of our signifacant other and fights break out. In the beginning of a realtionship we never do or say insensitive things because we are on our best behavior to impress this person. But as time goes by....well as they say, familiarity breeds contempt. Do not treat her as you do now or in the resent past. treat as you did when it was all new, when you first met. And not just for a week. do it for 3 months and don't waver. If you show signs that you are bothered to do this she will immediatly believe it is all fake and you will go back to your old self that she is obvieosly unhappy with. What do you have to lose from being romatic in this way? See what happens then. It worked for my husband & me.
keep in mind marraige is one of the hardest realationships to be in so it needs consistant mantainance to keep it healthy just as anything else worth having does.
2006-10-12 10:17:51 · answer #2 · answered by eyepopping hideous female troll 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"I love you but I don't love us."
Where do women get this sh*t? Honestly. It's so Harlequin Romance pulpy. Normal people don't talk that way since "you" are an integral part of "us" so it's impossible to separate them.
Sounds like she got pregnant and married younger than she wanted to and is now regretting losing her youth. At the same time, you are equating sex with intimacy but at least you see other aspects of the relationship deteriorating so points for that.
You can only help people who will accept it. Turning down offers to discuss, to get counseling, etc., along with her being okay only with the 'fantasy' parts of the relationship (wedding, honeymoon), seems to indicate "the honeymoon is over" and the realities of everyday life have gotten to her. It takes two people to make it work (that's as sappy as I get) and if she continues to resist efforts to work on things then you have to develop other plans to end the relationship so your child doesn't learn from the dysfunction while the two of you waste years disliking each other for whatever reason.
2006-10-12 09:55:20 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If it was affair, it seems the signs would be different.
She has a mental image/thoughts in her head that is blocking the relationship. Communication is the only way to resolve any issues between the two of you.
If she will not be honest in her communication with you alone, then a third party may be needed.
Hope the best for you both!
2006-10-12 08:53:56 · answer #4 · answered by TenJac 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How about you two seeking some couples help!! If she's not going to talk to you, sometimes a third party can help! She sounds unhappy to me, she may be alittle overwhelmed also, she works, takes care of home and hearth along with child and you. Sometimes it just gets to be to much and we take it out on our spouse. Don't panic yet. See if she'll go talk to someone with you, or alone with the understanding you join the sessions later!! You sound like a great guy, I wish you the best!!!!!!!!!
2006-10-12 08:50:04 · answer #5 · answered by mamaexfour 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you realize this could go on for a long time? You are so in love with your wife, that you are letting her take complete control of the situation. You are in this marriage too! Do you want to continue like this for a indefinite amount of time? Can you? I don't want to hurt you anymore than you all ready are, but honey, she's got you in a corner.
She has left you with 2 options, sit at home and wait for her to make up her mind whether she wants to be with you as your wife. Or demand an answer. You have very right to want to know what she is going to do, this is not fair in the least. So, can you wait and wonder if today is the day....how long can you hold up mentally doing this? You are living with a ghost, it's her but not her. Everytime she doesn't act like she use to puts another crack in your heart. How many of these cracks till your heart is completly broken?
She's unhappy and showing signs of depression and if she won't get treatment, there is very little you can do. If you want to stay and keep trying, love her, show her you love her by doing little things for her, talk to her..my heart is breaking for you, and believe me I know the place that you are in, and it's not easy to be there. The choice is yours too...whether to stay through the storm or to pack up the broken heart and go till she decides what she wants.
Your life is on hold, you are walking on egg shells, and that is not right...but as I said, if you can mentally and physically hang in there till she reachs her decision-go for it. Your love is so obvious, and that this is hurting you so terribly, I just don't want you to have a mental breakdown because of this..you don't deserve that, you don't deserve any of this..but only you can decide what is right for you. A lot of people are going to advise you to leave, I won't..because only you know what you can and can't handle. All I can tell you is this...love her till you can't..don't let her ruin you, because you have a precious child that needs a mentally and physically healthy Daddy. A happy Daddy..I will praying that you and your wife find one another again, but if she decides that she's wants out, that you find the strength and the courage to go on without her. And you can, it's not easy, but you can...wishing you well, and know that you aren't alone, there are other people that are in similar situations just like yourself, and we too are fighting for the love of our lives....
God bless us all................
2006-10-12 10:00:22 · answer #6 · answered by totallylost 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You sound like the kind of dude that would bend over backwards to make this work. Hats off to you! Have you tried getting to the bottom of exactly is bothering her? To be honest with you, dude, it don't sound like she wants it to work or she maybe slipping into a depression. Having gone through bouts of depression I know she's probably blaming you for the way she's feeling. If it is depression then she will need help.
Try to get to the heart of what's bothering her. If it is depression you can email me I can give you a few tips on what she can do to help herself.
2006-10-12 08:59:05 · answer #7 · answered by St.Anger 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you have a problem...the biggest problem is you don't know why she is acting this way. Best solution....TALK...always talk. No yelling, fussing, smart comments etc. Let her say her peace with out interruption and maybe she will let you know exactly whats going on with her.
Its obviously something big...step back into her shoes and look at your relationship from her eyes. Could it be something your unintentionally doing?
She obviously still does love you or she would have left by now.
Good luck
2006-10-12 08:47:15 · answer #8 · answered by falling_down23 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow...this sounds like my husband...and 23 years later...not better. I went to counseling. But when its one sided...the counseling doesn't work. I tried church....but when only one is going...it doesn't work. I feel for you. I finally looked elsewhere and found a super mate....don't waste alot of your time. And do it while the child is small. Don't wait like me and the kids are teens. Bad timing. I felt alone and we weren't intimate either. I thought something was wrong with me. But its not....my husband just ignored me all the time.
2006-10-12 09:00:00 · answer #9 · answered by greeneyes 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
See there are a lot of negetive things happning with you try to do some positive things and may be things will start to change do few good things for her you can start with some flowers , going out for dinner etc. If you do regular sex with you wife it will create a lot of intimacy in your relationship it can be the best remedy
2006-10-12 08:59:45 · answer #10 · answered by guess_is_king 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋