We are currently living with his parents as we are trying to save for a house and I really appreciate them taking us in. HOEVER, I don't really appreciate being 2nd fiddle to his mother. It's not her fault, trust me....its his. He wont just listen to my advise or concerns without running the entire thing by his mother. I'm not sure what to do or say to him. I feel like his mother is going to ruin us, only its totally not her fault....help! it's really getting to me now.
2006-10-12 01:32:20 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Oh wow! And I have to say, that is exactly my marriage during the first few years. I wish I knew your ages, it would make it easier to help you.
First: Go to his mother and gently explain your concerns to her. Maybe she will agree to help redirect his questions back to you, since you're his wife.
Second: If that does not work, you really need to sit him down and talk to him. Explain in very simple terms what he's doing that is upsetting you, but careful not to use 'you' statements. Start with something like "honey, I feel as if your mother's opinion is more important to you than mine is, when it concerns etc. etc. etc."
Trust me here! And the way men are, no offense men, they often need reminders. And unfortunately, it's up to you to do it. It's a daily thing too, so keep up on it. Also, I wholy recommend a book that saved my marriage!!!
It's by Gary Smalley, "hidden keys of a loving lasting marriage". Some great info and techniques in here. My husband was just like that and possibly worse. Things are good now, and constantly improving. Go get that book! You can find it on ebay for just a few bucks, or at any bookstore. Good luck!!
2006-10-12 01:51:08 · answer #1 · answered by kari w 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to your partner. Make him understand that while you respect that you are living under his parents roof, you are both adults now. You two can make your own decisions without him running them by mom. I'm sure she's probably getting sick of it too. After all, she raised him once, so why she she have to continue to take care of him now that he is an adult. Not to mention having her own life to lead, and she can't very well do that if junior is underfoot all the time needed advice. He really needs to grow up a bit and cut those apron strings. (Sorry, but it's true.)
If he won't listen to your feelings, then go to his mother. Polietly talk to her about how your feel. Let her know that you appreciate them taking you in, and you respect their decision, will abide by their rules, etc.... But that you would like to have a relationship with her son as two grown-ups, not you, him, and her. This is not a group thing here, so she shouldn't have any input in your decisions. The more you can get her to see how much he is hurting you, the better chance you have of getting through to her. Get her to see that when her son comes to her, she needs to be telling him "I'm sorry, I can't help you, you need to make your own decisions, and live your own life."
If you can't get your point across, you have three options.
1. Counseling with a porfessional to help you two work out your problems.
2. Moving out now, it may not be into a house you are buying, but having your own place to live may be better for your relationship. It will take longer to afford your house, but that's better in the long run. If you can't handle something this simple, then how great are your chances of making it last? Do you really want the battle over a house that you both own if you break up later on?
3. Dumping him and moving on with your life. If he really is this much of a momma's boy, that probably won't ever change. He'll be depending on her for the rest of her life.
2006-10-12 01:50:36 · answer #2 · answered by welches_grape_jelly 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First accept the truth that a parent is a parent. be it yours or his. one can not be dispensed with the other. Have not you ever got into a problem either with your mother or father. Its all in a family. Many a times we disagreed with our own parents when we grew up in our teens but it does not mean that we gave them up. The same is the case with our in-laws too. Take it into your own stride and have patience. Patience is the best medicine to world's many problems. Put the blame on the time you live in now and the best days are yet to come. keep the momentum going until you two stand on your own legs when you both could move out on your own. Just kill the time and have no grudge with with either your hubby or his parents whatsoever. Good Luck.
2006-10-12 01:39:58 · answer #3 · answered by ECQC 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your mother-in-law evidently is a very nice person. Why don't YOU have a talk with her! Run a few things by her and tell her what you think about the situation. Have her to tell your husband that he is now married and things should be discussed between her son and you! If she tells him this a couple of times, maybe he'll soon realize that he is not supposed to run to momma every time you guys have a talk! I really hope this helps.
2006-10-12 02:23:50 · answer #4 · answered by organic gardener 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if thats the case, then move out now! dont stay with someone that will make you unhappy and try to ruin the relationship, saving money you can always do, it might take a little longer to get a place of your own but eventually it will happen. Do what makes you feel happy!
2006-10-12 01:50:05 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
One, unless his mom is openily inserting herself in your business, then she is in no way at fault. All of this is on your hubby. I am curious to know if you two have had your own place before and if he was still going to his Mom then for her approval and advice??? In any case, this is something you need to address as it is having a bad effect now and it is unlikely to simply go away in the future. Sit down and let your hubby know that while you care for you mother in law and (assuming) respect her judgement, you want all decsions about your marriage and your life as a couple to be made with you, by you. If he feels he needs someone to talk to and is close with his Mom, thenbe ready for him to continue asking her opinion, but when he chooses her ideas over your's, simply say "Your Mom has a lot of ideas and expereinece, but I want us to handle this on our own. She is not your wife...I am". If none of that has any effect, it is time for some sessions with a therapist and to look at moving out of your in-laws place and into your own place,
2006-10-12 01:51:36 · answer #6 · answered by Annie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't have your cake and eat it, too. Either you accept your In-Laws' hospitality and put up with your husband acting like a jerk (keeping in mind that it is only temporary - you love him, remember?), or you move out and put off buying that house for 5 or 10 years.
2006-10-12 01:40:40 · answer #7 · answered by wuxxler 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is so frustrating, I know how you feel. Tell him that it makes you feel very undervalued and like your opinion counts for nothing. You could even say to his mother that every time he runs something past her could she tell him to ask you instead!
2006-10-12 01:38:59 · answer #8 · answered by sparkleythings_4you 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
TELL HIM THAT YOUR SICK OF PLAYING 2ND FIDDLE GROW UP AND CUT THE "APRON STRINGS" IF HE CONTINUES LEAVE IF HE COMES AFTER YOU THEN SAY THE ONLY WAY YOU WOULD GO BACK TO HIM IS IF HE LEAVES HIS MOTHERS HOUSE
2006-10-12 01:38:42 · answer #9 · answered by lita 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
basically if you dont like it then speed up the moving process, he's home with his mom so ofcourse he's gonna tell her everything..and shes not going to ruin you, if you dont move out you'll ruib yourselves
2006-10-12 01:37:35 · answer #10 · answered by isydnor 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋