I started seeing a lovely guy about 2 months ago, he is kind and attentive, makes me smile and feel safe when I am with him. I know it is early days in the relationship but I really feel like this could go somewhere, I've known him for a few years, we used to work together. But yesterday he told me he just found out he has a 3 yr old daughter, he didn't know how I was going to react, I think it was good of him to be so honest with me, and to be honest I was more concerned about how he was coping with it, and told him I was there if he needs me. And that I will support him in whatever he decides (in regards to visiting her etc). But it's only today now that I have had some time on my own to think, I feel a little tearful to be honest. I just think it's a shame that if we settle down and have children together that it won't be the first for both of us. Am I being silly? Does anyone have any experience of a similar situation and how did you deal with it?
2006-10-11 23:14:58 · 10 answers · asked by kchick8080 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
It depends totally on both of you working together to ensure everyone feels important. I take it this child doesn't live with this fellow, which means if you *do* end up together long term, you are going to be a "weekend stepmother".
Your job will be to support your boyfriend and never do anything to challenge his love for this child. Because if he's ever faced with a choice, chances are he'll choose his daughter over you. Parental instinct and all that.
I was in the same position as you and became a stepmother - although full-time, as the child lived with my husband. The only problem was the biological mother, who didn't want me doing the job she walked away from.
What is more, any child you and he might have in the future will be the first for you both, as a couple. Believe me, once you have your own child there will be nothing quite like it and it will be a bonus that your child has an older half-sister to love and look up to.
If the mother doesn't take to you, ask if you can all have a meeting to talk things through and ALWAYS take he moral high-ground. NEVER bow to anger and "that's not fair" thoughts. If you love this guy and he you, this child of his will only add a wonderful, albeit different, flavour to your lives.
2006-10-11 23:30:03 · answer #1 · answered by nzfiona 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Greetings,
Don't settle !!! If he was truly a lovely guy, he wouldn't have been "boinking" with God knows how many other women before you. A real man honors and respects the woman he is with, putting the value of your relationship well above their selfish crotch gratification. The poor kid he brought into the world is probably fatherless now. If he goes with you, he won't be paying as much attention to the child as he should as a real loving father because he'll be too busy with you and trying to create another "life" with you. Morally, he's going to have to support that child.
Do yourself a favour and look for someone who will focus all his energy and love on YOU. If a guy (or woman) can't keep it in their pants, what does that say about their character that they would jeopardize bringing a new life into this world with only one parent. That's disgusting and LOW!!! The children are always the ones who suffer psychologically and emotionally.
Assert yourself and avoid being another notch on his bedpost. A real man acts in an honorable fashion in life. Protect yourself from the smooth-talking posers, there are other REAL nice guys out there....please don't settle!!! Your life is way too important.
Good day.
2006-10-12 06:47:37 · answer #2 · answered by Jesus S 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Depending on your age, almost all relationships come with some baggage and blended families. If you are young, you have a better chance of finding someone that has not been previously married. If it is important to you, then wait until you find a man that has not been married or who does not have children. But this will not be a guarantee there will be no drama in any relationship you land in. All relationships come with some challenges. You have only known this man for two months and there are many other things you need to know about him. It takes about nine months for the initial chemistry to ware off and we can begin to see our loved one in a more realistic light. At this point, you don’t know if what he is telling you about the child is even true? Maybe he has known about it for sometime and was afraid to tell you early in your relationship? So… hang in there, enjoy his company but observe him with a cautious eye until you know more parts of him.
http://www.womensmedia.com/relationships-love-stages.htm
2006-10-12 06:28:03 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He may be being trying to be taken in by someone== I would suggest and highly recomend paternity testing- a friend of mine got a call like that and it was someone after money= and they backed off=he should make sure the kid is his=and request a birth certificate= and get is on his own= not from her= wait and see= go ahead and support him if you can live w something like this- take care= D
2006-10-12 06:21:27 · answer #4 · answered by Debby B 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he could do what i did and give all rights to the mom so if she gets married they could adopt the girl . and if you got married you could start off fresh . i did that and 30 yrs later my kids found me but we didn't hit it off vary well it would be vary hard to have a child coming to stay with you all the time you need to start your own life together free of a child he also needs to have a test to see if the child is his . you never know . and if it is he might need to pay child support for 18 yrs that will hurt your budget think long and hard you may need to find someone else
2006-10-12 06:26:45 · answer #5 · answered by dalecollins64 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i would say that whatever you do, do it with honesty. If you accept the child, then it shud come from deep within./ because if you'll compromise (for his sake), then it woudnt last for long, and will make ur relationship with him (after marriage) sour. you might not imagine it now, but the probability is that it will.
And hello? Your firs kid will be still your first?
If I were you, I'd accepted the daughter as a part of my boyfriend. Just like I accept his parents as my parents, his kith and kin as mine. You know, its with how much 'totality' you love him. :)
Go on!! Listen to ur heart and not ur mind. :)
May God bless you :)
2006-10-12 06:22:52 · answer #6 · answered by Lady Rain 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When you do settle down and have kids of your own it will be like his first baby to remember he wasn't there for the first 3 yrs of her life, and the child that you have will mean the world to both of you, so please don't worry about it.
2006-10-12 06:19:50 · answer #7 · answered by sweet - angel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems that everything that's happening to you is just happening all that i could find out is that you need his company nothing else . If you are comfortable carry on
2006-10-12 06:25:37 · answer #8 · answered by sunny 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this problem of yours is so stupid, i wish i had this kind of problem as my only one. why some people re so stupid and can't just enjoy life?
2006-10-12 06:19:58 · answer #9 · answered by jacky 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
everything will be all right,
2006-10-12 06:20:43 · answer #10 · answered by lesuiremike 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋