Should I walk away?

Question

Been with him for 4 years. We have 2 children together and my youngest is 9mnths. 2 years ago there was an incidence where he told me he was going over to a friends house after work and he arrived home at 10:30pm smelling of perfume. When I first asked him he said it was his mates 6 yr old spraying the stuff everywhere, I told him not to insult my intelligence and he told me he had been to visit his ex girlfriend (I say girlfriend he was actually her bit on the side for 2 years while she was engaged and they were working together!) He was very unapologetic about it and simply said that they were friends, the ex was now married and he didnt tell me because he knew what my reaction would have been and that she had told him she still had feelings but he had said no because of me and my son. Admittedly I didnt totally believe him but felt I had no other choice at the time.

2 years and a baby later and last night he got a text message. I asked him who it was and he said oh the phones been off all day its a voicemail notification. This morning I checked his phone and guess who! I marched into the bathroom and asked him why he lied to me and he said he hadnt lied as when I asked he was looking at the voicemail notification that was already there and why should he bother telling the truth as he will just get accused anyway. Needless to say I wasnt happy. I apologised for looking at his phone but said I felt I had to because I knew he was lying and it was either check his phone or let myself think I am slowing going crazy. I told him how upset I am and that I really do feel threatened by her (she is VERY pretty/slim etc) and the fact he feels he needed to keep their friendship secret. Anyway he didnt apologise and just gave me a hug, told me not to be so silly and paranoid and went to work.

I love him to bits and really dont want to split our family up but at the moment I feel like walking.
I am hundreds of miles away from my family and have one friend here that I can confide in but she is now seeing his best mate so is a bit torn.
Realistically I know he isnt having an affair as he doesnt have the time but I am starting to become really down about this whole thing :o(

Answer 1

Yes

Answer 2

Here are the problems:

a) Your paranoia
b) Your husband won't tell the truth
c) You're lonely
d) You're away from home
e) You have a new baby.


Firstly, a. Your paranoia is linked with b. But, you need to consider your partner's view in this. Now, where we both know that if he told the truth it'd probably make things a little better. But you now need to decide whether him telling you would make you feel better? Would you have a go? Would you make accusations? Would it weigh on your mind? Would that then cause friction between you?
Your husband not telling you can mean several things: That he loves you and doesn't want to worry you (Especially seeing as you've just had a baby), or because he is trying to hide something.

I wouldn't jump to consider that he's off to have an affair with her. But, if you continue your paranoid streak, it won't make him want to stay home.

Problem c, you're lonely. Again, linked with d and e. You're away from home, there isn't anywhere to fall on, you've got one close friend and again a new baby.

How are you finding coping with the baby? Everything ok? If not, it may be linked to how you are feeling at the moment.

I suggest a good heart to heart with your husband, telling him how you feel (NO SHOUTING AT HIM). Communication is your key here. Lack of will result in not a happee ending.

But don't dwell on the problem. Tell him you want him to be honest with you. If he says 'But I'm worried you'll just get annoyed' then you'll have to remind yourself of the fact that he's telling the truth, and you have to trust him.

Just say how you feel, and vice versa and then move on.

Any dwelling and it'll screw up even more.

Confront, communication, continue.

I don't think walking away is a good idea, and I also think it's not what you really want to do at the moment.

Make it work, before you give up.

Anyway, good luck and let us know how it went.

Answer 3

It is terrible that you do not trust your partner, for a good reason too, he lied to you about going to his ex's house, that can make your mind work overtime, he should have told you about it and not lied, but in his insensitatve way, he did not wish to tell you because he thought you would have a bad reaction, which is a bad decision initself, but he could have been telling the truth about saying no to her at that time about wanting to be with you and your son. Did he not have contact with her in the two years ater this and has justed started again now, although I now you had to check his phone to satisfy your mind, you partner would have been upset though your lack of trust after all that was his phone, but he should have not kept her text a secret from you. He might me telling the truth about their friendship as he did give you a hug to ressure you nothing was going on although his words were again insensative. My suggestion is for you to try and make this relationship work but keep a close eye on him, You have told him how you have felt and been open about the situation, if he continues to get text messages and keeps them a secret and he often goes to a mates house after work then you know something is wrong in the relationship and would should walk out. I think you really need to discuss this situation with someone to get it off your chest, you mentioned a friend, but you feel torn because she is going out with your bestfriend mate, explain to her that you wish to talk to her but you wish her not tell anyone of the conversation you are going have, this should relieve some of the stress on you at the moment and you never know she could really have some good advice and be a supportive shoulder to lean on.

Good luck , I hope this matter is soon resolved.

Answer 4

You say he loves you and he made a choice not to have an affair with the woman because of you and your son?

Sounds like you're just getting yourself all worked up over nothing. Seriously, Tasha, it's perfectly okay for men and women to be "just friends" which it sounds like they're doing. He has already told her they can't have anything between them.

You need to get out more and make your own friends and stop feeling like he needs a babysitter. If you carry on with the way you're behaving now you might drive him away instead. If you truly love him, learn to trust him.

Join things outside the home. Get a nanny for the kids or something, and go out and form friendships. Hire a sitter in the evenings and spend some quality time with your husband.

If you keep breathing down his neck, accusing him of stuff he may not be really doing, then he'll just drift further and further away, and eventually other women will begin to look more attractive to him. Yes, it's a catch-22. :-( Take care of yourself first if you really love him. Learn to trust him.

Answer 5

I can totally empathise with u as I have had the same problems with my boyfriend. He was with his ex for 8 years and when we got together he still wasnt over her but I wasnt looking for anything serious so I just let it go.

However as our rship became more serious he was still in contact with her, visiting her, texting etc and said that they were just mates!!! I freaked as I didnt trust her and then he would lie to me about her being in contact etc and they were texting at least twice a week. I found out that nothing was going on between them physically or emotionally but the fact that they couldnt cut contact was a kick in the face to me!!!!

2 years later and although he has stopped his contact I cant trust him and I still check his phone, emails etc and its driving me potty, its making me unhappy and I still have all this resentment boiling up inside me and I dont believe anything he says.

I love him and am trying to work thru it coz I know nothing happened but now I dont know if there has been too much water under the bridge!!!!

u have to decide if he is worth the heartache and is he being honest with u and if he aint just walk away like I am contemplating doing too!!!! Good Luck!!

Answer 6

if this person really loved you he would be devestated to think you felt upset and unhappy and he should be really taking care to make you feel loved and make you feel special. don't think he is doing that.

my sister went throught the exact same thing and she had 2 little ones. she took enough of him coming in with text messages and smelling of perfume and being out alot. she is really happy now with her 2 children on her own. she realised she was important enough and worthy enough and too good for him. it does not matter the homewrecker is thin and pretty, so are you, we all are.

you will feel amazing and sexy and cared for and loved deep down one day with the right person, don't think you have found him yet. but you could always take more time together and talk till your tongues drop out, take a romanic bath together with candles, who knows maybe you can sort things out and he could turn into that man you need.

but don't settle for what you have because you have kids. you are worth more than that and so are your kids. give each other 6 months and try to see if all those changes make a difference to how you both feel. if you still feel the same then you are missing out on true love and won't find it until you take that step and break free.

hope it all works out for you good luck

Answer 7

ok, the fact that he keeps this 'friendship' a secret is one thing. But to then make you feel like you were in the wrong for checking his phone- this guy is not even thinking about your feelings. How insulting of him to hug you tell you to stop being 'silly!' Seriously, if this guy has any credit for you, he will be honest about where he was going. He may not be doing the deed yet, but trust me, its on his mind. The arrogance of the man, to make you feel like your the silly one here! He is in the wrong. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong in staying friends with your ex, I know people that do it but he is keeping a secret from you, the mother of his children. There is a serious lack of respect here. I am not going to tell you what to do, its not my place, but bear in mind, if he loved you, well, you wouldn't be asking the advice of strangers would you? Leaving a relationship when miles away from home is scary, but the fear soon leaves you when you realise you did the right thing.

Answer 8

As with most in life you have decide what you want and why that is what you want. If the why is strong enough then you will have made a decesion. The problem is it is much easier giving advice than taking it. From what I can see here you have to talk to your boyfriend about you insecurities and see if you can work it out. If the talking does not give you the answers you need then maybe it is time to move on. The key thing is communication and only sensitive subjects that is always difficult.

Answer 9

If it was 2 years ago you have obviously forgiven him for what had happened,forgiveness comes easy but its forgetting that's the hard part.Tell him you need him to be open and honest with you and secrets are going to drive a wedge between you,if you have her phone number send her a text tell her to stay away or you will contact her husband.If she still takes no notice then approach her husband and tell him you don't approve of their "friendship".If your boyfriend goes mad then tough tell him how much it means to you to keep the family together whatever the consequences.Tell him he has to get a new Sim card and change his number that way she cannot contact him anymore and if after that she still gets it and calls him.Then you know hes up to something.

Answer 10

u know sometimes guys just stay really good friends with there ex's sure i'm best frineds with one of my ex's but ur haveing alot of trouble trusting him so maybe u should take some time out from the relationship and gather ur thoughts or go to a marraige counseller and make divource ur last resort

Answer 11

He needs to tell you the truth and only then decide.
As for not having time to have an affair - don't kid youself.
I hope he can come out and tell you whats going on but if not then you have to think whats best for you and the kids.