Confused about husband's behavior. Is he looking to cheat? (Long)?

Question

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. He is 32 and I am 23, he is Middle Eastern and I am American. There are several issues in our marriage. The first problem that came up was early in our marriage. He was emailing and chatting with a woman he knew from back home, I was suspicious about it and I found that they were writing very inappropriate things to each other (she is married also). I confronted him about it and he said that she was his ex-girlfriend and in the end I was the one feeling bad about spying on him, I feel it is wrong but had no other way to find out what was going on. Then a little later, I found him on yahoo chat rooms asking women what they look like and if they have cameras. I was mad, but let it go since several times we had gone to the chat rooms together and played around. Other small things happened during this time that I don't think mean much, such as he went to Washington DC (we were living in Northern Virginia) to visit a girl he had taken a class with before she went back home to Germany, but he told me he didn't get to see her before she left. Another thing that was somewhat big in the beginning was his interest in pornography. It made me feel bad at first, but now I see it just as a kind of entertainment when he was bored, except he always went to the Russian sites, he thinks Russian women are very beautiful. Skip forward to last year. In April of 2005, he went home to visit his family. During this trip, I found out that he didn't tell his family that he was married. When he got home, we had a long discussion and said he couldn't tell them because the tradition there would make his family outcasts because he married outside the religion (they are Druze). I still don't understand it, but I respect his wishes of trying to keep his family happy, but telling them wouldn't be telling the whole world, but he doesn't see it that way. Now comes the most recent and the hardest for me to get over. In July, my husband and two of his male friends go on vacation. First, they went to for a few days and then went to the Grand Canyon (we now live in ). He told me they had fun, but when they got back, he and his friends were fighting. He said it was because they didn't help with the financial aspects of the trip (they are both doctors and he is in film school). Until last month, I just accepted this. But then I started going through the cell phone bills and found a lot of text messages from a number in flagstaff . I checked his cell phone one night and I was appalled by what I found. The worst one was one he wrote to her that said, "I wished to sleep with you but gave up on it" along with other things such as how beautiful she is (she's Russian). Then I broke into one of his email accounts that had a different password. All of his other passwords include my name, but the password of this account is her name! I found the emails they wrote to one another and found that he met her in the Grand Canyon and took her and two of her female friends to . As is turns out he was mad at his friends because they weren't interested in her friends and left, then made my husband leave the girls in Vegas so they could come back to for their flights back home. All communication between them stopped August 30, or so I thought. A few weeks ago, he received a text message from her saying that she was in and then in , (he goes to school in , close to ) but she was leaving. He wrote her back when he went back to school asking if she was still around. Before that message, I confronted him and we had a huge fight. He said nothing happened, but didn't tell me he took her to but made me think he met her there, until I told him I knew. I tried to ask him why he would do it, but he just said it was none of my business and that I couldn't treat him like a child. The way he was talking led me to think that he thinks he can do whatever he wants with whomever he wants as long as he's not having sex. I tried to explain to him that it's ok for him to have female friends, but when he keeps it a secret and refuses to say anything about it, it is a betrayal. I am having a really hard time with this and don't know what to do. I have the girl's (she's only 21) email address and phone number and I have been considering either emailing or calling her to ask her side of the story or see if he told her he was single or married. I am also considering calling his friends that went with him on the trip to see what they will say. If you have any ideas about what I could do, I would appreciate it greatly.

Answer 1

I actually read your entire question. WOW my eyeballs hurt. Your husband sounds like a pig. What in the world was he thinking to go on a trip with other women. Yes you should confront that woman and you should call his friends. Put him in a corner so that he has to tell you the truth. Your culture issues are a big problem in this relationship! Sounds like you've got a decision to make as far as what you will do about his infidelity because YES he is cheating on you and every time you turn a blind eye to it you give him the green light to do it again and again. It sounds like you could use an outsider to talk to, hit me up on messenger if you want.

Answer 2

I feel so bad for you. I've been in your shoes. Is it like someone kicked you in the stomach the same day someone died? It's awful. No wonder you're depressed. It's hard to lose your best friend. Most cheaters don't change. If he's being charged for calls then he's calling a sex line. You can't change him. Nothing you did caused this and you can't give any excuses or reasons for cheaters. I'd check the computer for more stuff and also his cell phone and DVD collection. You can't have passion or intimacy with someone you can't trust. It will take a long time for him to earn back your trust. Counseling, no computer or secret cell phone accounts and some sort of accountability while he's away. This could have been going on for years and your health could have been put at risk. I had to borrow my ex-cheaters car when we were together and found junk in his glove box. If he's on a dating site and trolling Craig's list I would separate from him immediately. This is extreme cheating. If he is sincere about you and your marriage, then he can spend the next year getting help and staying away from porn.

Answer 3

Your situation makes me sick! He used you honey! I don't; know if he was already in America when you met or if you helped bring him here or maybe he needed to marry to be able to stay but it's obvious that he loves the ladies especially the Russian ones. He has lied to you bold face and the only way you are dealing with it is by making excuses for it. Maybe that's your coping mechanism i don't know but you need to lose him and fast! Either kick him to the curb or move out. He is a chronic liar and cheater. For him to tell his own wife that his affairs with other women is none of your business is absolutely insane! That was his response because he knew he had no other good logical reason to tell you. Stop being his gullible doormat! Tell him you're done walking in knee deep of his bull crap. May not be easy but can you honestly say you can live with the anger and knots in your stomach everyday?Your life is wasting away while he plays around with other woman. These are years you can't get back honey. He has a problem and needs serious help. He has no idea of how relationships or marriages work. Don't bother calling the other woman. she may already know about you and is pumped full of any garbage your husband has fed her regarding you making you look evil. You'd be wasting your time. Even if she didn't know it will not change your husband's behavior. He will simply find another girl to meet up with. LET HIM GO!

Answer 4

Bottom line is that you are4 an infidel and do not carry value in this marriage. If you look at normal day to day duties that you carry out and those of your friends you will quickly see that you are nothing more than a slave. Be aware that there have been many cases like this in the US and the rest of the world. Things do not look good. Lying to your wife is not good, nor is flirting with other women. As this progresses it will get worse and worse. Think long and hard about this. Think about how much your life is worth. You wrote a long question. Why because you are scared and need confirmation on what you want to do. SO DO IT!!!!! Good luck my friend.

Answer 5

Sounds to me like he's shopping! Talking to his friends won't get you anywhere, they'd be in serious violation of the guy code if they ratted out their friend. You might get somewhere with the girl, particularly if she turned him down. But all you'll get is confirmation of your suspicions. If he hasn't cheated yet, it's only because he hasn't met the right person. If you're 23 now, you were only 18 when you got married. Seems to me like you were an easy target. Lets see.....he's in film school. Hmmm... I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you're supporting him. And he didn't tell his family he was married.....One of my friends married a man whose family is from Pakistan, and he's Islamic. Trust me, they are very touchy about the marriage issue, but he stood his ground, and his family not only accepted her they like her very much. So in my humble opinion, I don't think that things look very rosy for you. But I'm not a profesional, so my suggestion to you is to seek some sort of counseling. I think that if what you suspect is true, you're going to need all the help and support you can get

Answer 6

Girl you need to get out of the so called marriage. If he loved you then he would have told his parents/family. He got upset with you because he got caught. You fell for his excuse the first time so why wouldn't you keep believing his other stories. The first lie is the hardest & once you get through that one it becomes easier. If you stay with him and bring a child into it imagine what your teaching it = boy - it's ok to cheat on your girl or girl - it's ok your man doesn't love & respect you. Your man doesn't respect not only your vows but you as his wife. Save yourself & rebuild your heart before its too late.

Answer 7

your heart already knows the answer, your brain is just catching up. yes he is cheating on you and from your story, has been for quite some time. you still love him and want to prove one way or another what is going on. but you really already know, without solid tangible evidence. you are not crazy just really hurt, scared and confused. NO ONE can tell you what to do in your particular situation, but I will have to admit - that when he did not even tell his family about you - that was pretty bad.- here is my prediction, he will start blaming you for everything, nothing and I do mean nothing, you do will be right. you will start to doubt yourself about everything. you will second guess every word you speak to him before you give up and say nothing. he will pick fights. he will make your life miserable. eventually he will leave and according to him it will all be your fault.. don't worry though - IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. sometimes these relationships can be salvaged, often times not. the resentment that follows in the wake of something like this is horrible. Hugs and love to you. you have to think. you have to do what is best for you at this point, even if that means doing nothing and gathering your thoughts right now..yep it will hurt like hell at first but it will get better.

Answer 8

You can contact anyone you like, but the fact is you are married to a liar and a cheater. He even lies to his own family about your marriage. And a real married man doesn't go on vacation with his buddies and leave his wife at home.

If you choose to stay with this guy, don't fool yourself that it's a real marriage. You'll be staying because you think a scummy man is better than no man. And he will continue doing whatever he likes.

Answer 9

Unfortunately, I think the writing is on the wall. Your husband does not care about your feelings. Maybe he thinks Russian women are beautiful because Russian women will allow him to treat them like garbage. I think this is more to do with cultural issues than with anything else. A Man in Russia, is the king of the family, girls and women arent thought of very highly.....he has grown up with these attitudes. You are expecting him to see you as his equal. He never will,simply because he was raised that way....women are never a mans equal in Russia. You are not going to change his ideas because that is the culture....he just sees himself as Number One, and he probably thinks he did you a favour by marrying you. In his mind you are not his equal, therefore you can have deep and meaningful's all you like, but the bottom line is you will never be his equal. It is terrible I know, but how can you change thousands of years of cultural conditioning. You have tried so hard to keep this marriage together, but I cant see it getting any better, he just keeps on doing the same things over and over again and he is not considering your feelings in any of this. I know its hard, but I think its time you started to see yourself as more important than how he is treating you and I think you need to leave him. I think the old saying is very true in your case.....You are flogging a dead horse...he is not going to change.

Answer 10

He's cheating.
Don't involve this girl in it. your problem is with your husband. Everything you need to know he needs to tell you. So leave her out of it.
Now if she contacts you, that's totally different but be advised she could be just as big a liar as him.
But why even worry yourself with someone who is proving over and over again to you he can't be trusted. But by the off chance you actually want to try and save your marriage. Start counseling first. If he agrees there may be a chance.