How do I start to live for me?

Question

I think I'm a masochist or something. I don't of is this is a refletion of my parents drug usage in the past but I've developed this idea that I must be the perfect daughter. The daughter who called to check in when she went out. The daughter that was good to her brother and neices and tried to make sure mom and dad didn't hit the pipe. Now, I'm 25 years old & I have this vision of myself later in life: I'll be old, unmarried no kids and bitter because I've helped my family so much and haven't done for myself. Most recently I let my brother have my last 100$ so his lights wouldn't get cut off. How do I begin to disregard what my family thinks and live for myself? How do I breakaway and start enjoying myself?

Answer 1

There is no 'how', no method. You just do it.

Answer 2

I'm sorry your life has been as you describe. I was raised in an alcoholic home. I was top of my class, head cheerleader, everyone's friend. Always responsible. etc etc

This is a form of co dependancy. You fix everything and everybody. Because if everyone views your family by you they don't see your real life.

I had to completely separate myself from my family. Why is your brother letting his light bill go so long? Because he knows you'll cave in and fix it.

Does the company you work for have offices in other states or other parts of your state. If that's not an option you will need to find another way to remove yourself temporarily from your family.

I spent many years in therapy and I have learned to put me first. By doing so I can be a better person to myself and those around me.

I have chose to completely severe all family ties as my family cannot accept truth. They are comfortable in the fantasy worlds they live in and I now see them for what they are, drug addicts, alcoholics, slackers. They will never stop trying to manipulate you and will always try to pull the strings that make you jump to their drummer.

Make a life for yourself that does not include them for a while and find out who you are and what you like. Start living your life and find happiness and peace.

If you can't bare the thought of total separation, save visits for special ocassions only, birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas.....

It's really important that you get help for yourself so you don't fall into a group of friends or a boyfriend, future husband with the same characteristics as your family. We tend to be attracted to what were comfortable with regardless of how sick that situation might be.

Take some classes at the local college, join some self help groups, join a local church, take some cooking classes, yoga can help you relax and focus on inner peace....

I hope you find your way and your own journey in life...

Happiness and peace.....

Answer 3

You must tell yourself to live & care for yourself first before helping out your family members. Go out with friends and enjoy yourself. Pick up a hobby or take up a course.But Do save some money for raining days. If not, who is going to help u when u need it. Your family members expect u to help them NOT they help u. Don't ever reveal how much savings u have to anyone even your parents. Believe me as i had similar situation as yours in my younger days. Even now, although I am working partime which e $ is not enough for me & mum but my silbings just don't bother although they are earning at least 8 x more. It's true.
But my mum just does not dare to ask them for $. So my savings in bank is seeing the bottom.

Answer 4

Hey t-bird
That is right.
You are the one hurting here,if your moms does not see this maybe its too late.
You have done enough,for what it sound.
Some of cousins have to deal with this type of thing, and 9 times out of ten you are going to be the one cutting them out of the picture.
You have all the right to enjoy life,if your mom's really loves you she will be happy for you.
Hey ,Good luck,and no you are not a masochist ,you just care too much. my props to you ,from S.F cali.

Answer 5

You've actually trained your family to expect assistance from you just for the asking. Any discomfort on your part is not being recognized, but that's because you acquiesce and don't speak up. You need to untrain them and let them know they need to stand on their own two feet and not come to you all the time. Once you make that break, you begin to live for yourself. But be careful, sometimes you may feel lonely and think your family no longer loves you and you'll volunteer all sorts of your time. Be more independent.

Answer 6

This is definitely caused by your parents' behavior in the past. You assumed the role of parent because yours weren't doing it. Unfortunately, it sounds like everyone is still just sitting on their backsides waiting for you to make everything okay for them.

The way you change this is to simply change. It will be difficult. They will whine and scream and pitch a fit and give you the cold shoulder and call you names and all sorts of behavior when you suddenly expect them to take care of themselves. But here's the thing... until you stop acting like the parent, until you move on and have a life, your family members won't ever feel the need to take care of themselves and really stand on their own feet.

In leaving them to their own abilities, you are not only going to get a life for yourself, you will give them the shove out of the nest they need to make their own lives too.

Good luck. It will be worth it. Don't let them bully you.

Answer 7

i was once in the same position doing exactly what you are doing. Just today i gave my mother 20 dollars that i did not have to give. The thing is that you do not need to stop all together, just determine what is important that they ask of you, & if it is not, then you are going to have to put your foot down, & take a stand, before they stand on you. My mother was a good mother & it wouldn't have mattered if she had not been, but the thing is she gave me live, & i respect her, & her decisions to do what she wants to do. She does the same for me now too. Respect yourself, others will respect you too.

Answer 8

Go to a bookstore and buy a book that interests you.Maybe a romace or mystery or a book about travel ...anything that you like. And then shut off your phone, and read it til you get lost in the pages....and a couple hours later you;ll realize you did something for just you!

Answer 9

Moving away from them will give you a new perspective and the distance will help you overcome this problem as well as help them take care of their own responsibilities. Sometimes tough love is the best kind.

Answer 10

been there, done that. as i was growing up, my mother used the suicide card on me almost daily. i went to school some days terrified because i was sure that i would come home to find her dead. i used to sit in class and hope someone would pop in for a visit, either to stop her or to find her before i did.
yep, i grew up thinking that i not only had to be the perfect daughter, but in the midst of all that pressure, i had to find some way, somehow, of making her appreciate life, so she would stop talking about suicide. she actually came close to attempting it twice. she did attempt it once, a few months before i was born. so i know how you feel.
i was about 25 when i broke free. my mother had eased up on the suicide card because in my late teens it began to work only when i didn't have good reason to go against her. she still pulled it on me sometimes, but she saved it for special occasions. she was so good at it i didn't dare call her on it. i knew i was being manipulated but i didn't know if i culd live with the consequences of calling her bluff. one day she made a mistake. she let her mask slip and she pulled the card when she wasn't in character.
i knew that time she didn't mean a word of it. and i sat down and had a long cry and asked myself how many times she had kept me from the things i wanted and deserved just because, when she didn't mean any of it. i thought of all the days i dreaded coming home, sure i would find her dead. i came to one conclusion...

i am not responsible for my mother's choices. i will always be fair in my dealings with her, and i will even indulge her whims on occasion, but i had wasted enough of my life catering to her. it was time to think of myself.

you are not responsible for your parents, or your brother. help them if and when you want to, but learn that you can't save them. if this keeps up, instead of you saving them, they will drag you down. take a deep breath and repeat after me...

i am not responsible for their lives. i am responsible for mine.

now go and live a little. they'll survive. they may even learn from the experience and grow up.

Answer 11

Try to move as far away from them as you can. Put your self first by remembering they are putting you last. Let them grow up ,Then when you feel that your stronger you visit with empty pockets. And and a warm hug.