How long does the healing process normally take?

Question

After 14 years of marriage and seperated for one year now, because of two one night stands in a three year period which was out of anger and resentment, I confessed and repented. she went ahead and found someone else within two months,Said he was just a friend, but moved him in!For ten months I was away working and sending home plent of $$ plus paying all the bills. Now that I'm back in town she, or my brainwashed twelve year old son won't have any thing to do with me. My son has even stated to me " I don't think I'll ever Have a relationship with you!" They don't answer letters,calls or text messages. It is as if I'm a total stranger and All I want to do is let them know I was wrong and want to make things right even if we cannot stay married. I have not filed for a divorce and niether has she. Whats up with that?

Answer 1

From your description, I believe your wife has has effectively divorced you. She has also twisted your son's attitude towards you, and that is going to be tough to overcome.

You need to take care of yourself first. I'm not sure your wife is going to be a willing partner in a divorce - I suspect it will be a contested divorce, so you should interview and hire a lawyer. Your wife may be able to file for support payments for herself & your son, from when you file to when the divorce is final. And alimony and child support after that. Be sure you can document how much $ you have been paying her since you left.

As far as healing, it's a long-term process. Like the grief experienced with a death, you have anger, resentment, frustration, helplessness, sadness, sometimes guilt, questioning 'why me', rationalization, and finally acceptance and moving on. There is no time limit - it varies for each person.

You should contact a therapist or join a group to hear others going thru the same experience, and to share your feelings.

I believe that you can rebuild some kind of relationship with your son. It's not going to be easy, nor quick, and there will be anger and hurt on his side. You have to take the long term view, and understand that you were the one who broke up your family, so you have most of the blame. Your son is also going thru his own life, going thru adolescence and teenage years - so he has to deal with his own growth. Patience is key. Show interest in his life, don't make deadlines, and show respect to his mother so your son realizes that you are a decent man.

Good luck to you.

Answer 2

You know you were wrong, so now you have to move on and accept your fate. She could be making you pay for your infidelity or she has moved on & not looking back. You need to talk with her & ask her where the divorce is going? There is a law that gives visitation rights & since you don't have a divorce...you are in limbo. Have you thought if you let yourself off the hook maybe your life will become better? We all make mistakes and how is her mistake of having a man move in with her & your son any different than yours? I feel her mistake is much worse as she has not settled her marriage with you yet!! So, why are you still beating yourself up and letting her poison your relationship with your son? Get an attorney & she will soon realize you weren't dealt a life sentence by her.....forgive yourself & learn from your past.

Answer 3

Im not sure how long the healing process takes but you cant put a time limit on hurt.Men have to realize that you have to think with the right "head" and the grass isnt always greener on the other side.This should teach you but if she trusted you and you hurt her it might take her longer to forgive.You need to let her know that you realize that you ruiend your family and you want to start as friends and work from there.Dont make it seem as if your trying to jump back in the swing of things.You are going to have to work @ whatever relationship you want to have.Just pray that they forgive.And keep it real they will eventually open up.Show them your sorry and that you respect them.

Answer 4

I dont know how long it will take for you to be over your wife, but you shouldnt have to be getting over your son too. its wrong when a parent uses the child as a weapon to get revenge on the other parent. i would never ever try to make my daughter think badly of her father, for her sake more than for him. your ex must be very selfish or mixed up or something. i would try maybe talking to her, make her realise that your son should be making up his own mind, and you should be given a chance. and for her to have moved on so quickly, kinda makes u wonder whether she was really that faithful anyway. if she hasnt filed for divorce maybe she's just trying to get her revenge and thinks when she decides she's had enough she'll come back to you. dont let her though. even though u were wrong to cheat, it was probably a bad judgement and what she is doing with your son is more harmful in the long run. i think anyway.

Answer 5

She doesnt trust you, she is angry and maybe she wants you to pay for the divorce since you are the one that messed up. As for your child, at 12 and being a boy, he might be trying to protect his mother.

File for divorce, give them sometime and then see if they will speak to you. It might take a while..give them a few more months. But if either of them should call you, make sure you are available.

Answer 6

let them be. sounds like she;s a lying whore. You repented and tried to make right,she used your mistake to lie and cheat. Don;t file yet , she'll only try and soak you for child support. Put some money in a trust account, like the amount you;d have to for child support, for your son. Live a good life, one that will make him proud of you. He'll contact you when he's ready

Answer 7

man i wish i had the anwser for you .sometimes space helps but i dont think in this case... maybe she holding on because of money however she would get child support....i had kinda same thing happen my son was 3 when wew divorced and his dad brain washed him ..i was this mean evil person ..he is now 25 and has 2 kids we have a relationship, he has found out that his dad was wrong , and i love my grgand bbies ..it took a lot of work and alot of miles of heat ache to get here . i am sorry and i will say a prayer for you

Answer 8

unfortunatly when you sow a seed either of good or bad, it comes back to you in the way you gave it. if neither has filed for divorce than that is a good sign, if it's your intention to reconcile. stop trying so hard to get her back,let the relationship with the new man play out, to whatever it will be, if you love someone let them go,and if they come back to you they are your's if not they were never yours. i am sorry about your son, in time he will come around. the cheating hurt your family, and your wife, but there's still a chance to reconcile,since no one filed yet, so try to regain your familie's trust, be patient and pray. good luck.

Answer 9

As long as it take for you not to think about it. It cannot be a constant reminder. Either forgive and let it go or move on. If you don't let it go it will eat you up in side. Let it go or walk away. Give yourself more than pain when you look at him.

Answer 10

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