Should I be skeptical about abusive husband claim to want to change when I don't feel the same?

Question

I have been married to my verbally/emotionally abusive husband for 12 years. We're both 34 with 2 young children ages 6 and 4. Our marriage has been extremely abusive and he is horrible when he is enraged. We have been separated off and on several times but now he is back at home and has finally agreed to go to marriage counseling and everything. He claims that he wants to change and he loves me. He has said all of this before but continues to lie about things, (he has a p.o. box that he thinks i don't know about, his porn collection, etc.) Mind you his father and brother have both cursed me out and he doesn't take up for me and says that I deserve it. I have been going to counseling for myself and I have gotten stronger. I always thought that what I wanted was for him to change so that I could be happy. I've realized in his many absences that I am happy without him also. I just feel like I'm pretending because I still don't trust him and find it very difficult to forgive and forget.

Answer 1

I think you should get out before something real bad happens. Ask yourself, over the years has it gotten bbetter or worse. Is this the lesson you want your children to learn. Remember they learn what they see. Put yourself in there shoes, how do you think they feel when all this is going on. Scared I'm sure.

Answer 2

Maybe him moving back home wasn't such a good idea until YOU were sure about what you wanted and how you feel. In the meantime he could be getting the counseling that he has promised to get.

Not only should you be concerned for you and your safety and well being but that of your children, even if he is thier father. If he loves you and his children and wants to be a family then he will do all possible to make that happen including getting counseling and giving you the time that you need to be sure of what you want. You and your sons should be his first and foremost priority and if he can not show you this then maybe that is your answer.

From your post it seems that you already have your answer but you are having trouble accepting the change. You also should get individual counseling as well as counseling for your children. You seem to be moving in the right direction. I wish you the best of luck. I have been there and know firsthand what you are going through.

Answer 3

Before you can do anything you need to work on you hun. Women who are in abusive relationships are there because they are "trained" by their husbands to believe they aren't worth anything and no other man would want you. You have to build up your self esteem and get him out of your life. He is not going to change and he doesn't love you if he is hurting you. You need and deserve a better life then what you have right now your only existing your not living. Your children also are feeling the pressure of this and are if there not already going to act out. Think about what you want your children to learn? That its alright to be abused or abuse someone else and hurt them? Get the help you need and get your self respect back before its too late.

Answer 4

I would forget the part about forgetting that takes time and also truth, if he's still keeping secrets he probably always will. you will never trust him and he sure should have had more compassion when his brothers jumped on you. He sounds like a very insecure person with no backbone. You will never change him, it's in his raising. I would forget the part about forgiving him also if he hasn't changed, he didn't mean it and you deserve better. It sounds like you answered your own question to me if you were happy when he wasn't around, you sure would be happy if you had a new life and somebody to treat you like you were somebody, he's slowly taking away your confidence and self esteem. Don't let him do this by lying to you, be true to yourself. Good Luck!

Answer 5

My advice is to get out while you still can. Think our your children and what they have been through and how they must feel when Daddy is hitting Mommy. Believe me, I have been there. Until the age of nine, I grew up in an abusive household and it still affects me to this day. This is not fair to you, nor is it fair to your children. They deserve better. Love yourself enough to get away from this coward of a man. Life is to short to waste it with a man who obviously has no love or respect for you or the kids.

Answer 6

if he wants to go to counseling than great, but he needs to go for himself not to a marriage one. I would not go back out with him at all. It really hard for someone like that to just change even if they want to it still takes years if ever to actually work. So tell him that right now you want to stay sperated and that you strongly believe he should alone go to a counselor. Move out with the kids and get your own apartment, day by day it will get better and you will realize you can be on your own and you dont need him at all, and that leaving him was the best thing ever. dont do anything you will regreat later.

Answer 7

After 12 years of verbal & emotinal abuse chances are "HE WILL NOT CHANGE !!
As for the answer...you already know that !!"
Get your children and leave him. Do not give him another chance!
Haven't you ever of the saying: Do it once shame on you....
twice shame on me?
Trust is the #1 factor based in a marriage. If you don't trust him,then it will never work out anyway.
You say you find that you feel happy w/o him,so "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?"

Answer 8

Obviously since you have seperated on numerous other occasions and he has made the same claims he hasn't changed...You have to decide whether your happiness is worth giving it another try...if you really don't think he has/will change you'd be much better off not going another round with him. He doesn't have a very good track record.

Answer 9

Sounds to me u already know the answer u just want people to back it up..

I too was in a very mentally / physically abusive relationship, and i am so extremely happy i got out of it.. and i too had a child with him.. and i knew it was not only best for me to leave, but to get my children out of that situation.. i didnt want them growing up thinking this is how u treat women, how u control your anger ect.. i wanted a house that was a happy home, not one where everyone walks on egg shells because they dont know if dad is going to be in a good mood tonight or not..

And your home should be your safe haven , not somewhere u dread being, not somewhere that when u come home ur stomach is tied up in knots , because ur so stressed out because u dont know what lies ahead for u behind that door..

He has anger issues, he has emotional problems and unfortunately it sounds to me that it stems from his own up bringing considering his father and brother also disresptect u.. and although im sure he realizes its wrong to treat the woman he loves this way, its not something u can turn on and off like a faucet, he has issues that are going to take years to solve if ever, and unfortunately they always promise, and they may even attempt to change, but thats just untill the next thing that sets them off.. and u know that, u know he's a time bomb ready to set off at any time..

Think of ur kids.. do u want your sons to grow up treating their wives this way, do u want your daughters to grow thinking its Ok for men to hurt them this way????? because thats what they are learning.. they are learning how to be disfunctional adults because their father is teaching them disfunctional behavior, and hun, ur enabling it to happen by believing u can fix him, u cant, he has to fix himself.. and u need to make urself and ur kids your top priority.. and he'll have to hit rock bottom before he ever gets it through his head that he needs help and actually starts acting upon the help he gets.. how many times does he have to fall off the wagon before u finally just ride off into the sunset by yourself and say " IM NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE" and mean it?

My kids have changed alot since leaving .. at first they would hit and scream and say words they heard my x say.. and now they are happy kids again, that are scared of what tomorrow brings, that feel safe in their home, and treat people with respect.. they arent full of rage like they use to be.. so if ur staying for the kids, ur only influencing the kids to turn out just like dad, because mom isnt taking a stand and saying No More..

I hope u make the right choice.. u already know what it is, now u just have to do it and stick to it.. and know ur doing the right thing and not look back..

Good luck..

Answer 10

men don't change, you have an abuser, his father and brother's don't respect women either, you deserve so much better, and time is short, get out while your still young enough to find love. there is some one out there for you who won't treat you so disrespectfully. my daughter was married to the same type of man, i can't tell you how many times she returned because he promised things would change, she ended up getting beaten up, and than to add insult to injury he called the police, and accused her of physical abuse, when indeed he had scratched his own arm, he did this to cover up the beating he gave her the night before. the police took my poor beaten innocent daughter to jail,and finally after this she agreed to file for divorce, so it just keeps getting worse, change yourself, we can only change ourselves not other people. work on your self worth,and get out of that marriage while your still young enough.