My man has been married for 17 years and is now separated. We have been dating for 19 months and it has been a long distance relationship. He asked me to move in with him 2 months ago and I said yes.
He has been spending a lot of time at "the house" making repairs and spending time with his daughter. He has been feeling kind of sad lately and wonders if he should go home. He says that "she will never give me a divorce."
When I ask how he feels about me, he says it's complicated and he cares about me. He says that he sometimes feels as though the passion is gone, but "I'm not trying to talk you out of moving up here." I told him that either I move up and try or I figure out something else, move on and never look back. He got upset when I said that but he didn't make a decision either way.
When we are together, I see it in his eyes and his actions that he does care for me. But when we talk now, he acts as though he wants me to end it. What is going on? What to do?
2006-10-11 16:22:49 · 21 answers · asked by torn 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You need to end it for him. He realizes that what he is doing is wrong, but is too invested in your happiness now, so he cannot decide.
His path with you will ultimately end in guilt. He has a chance to repair his other relationship but only if you let him go.
I know that's not what you want to hear, but that's what he's going through. Inside he knows he needs to break it off with you but cannot find the strength. It is that lack of strength that allowed him to get in this situation in the first place, rather than repairing whatever was going on at home in the first place.
The sad part for you (among other things) is that he probably does truly care for you. But he is not ultimately equipped to provide what you need from him.
2006-10-11 16:28:25 · answer #1 · answered by You'll Never Outfox the Fox 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your married (it is not over until it is over) boyfriend gets lonely. He is going through a very stressful period in his life and if this is the first time he is going through a divorce -- it can be draining, mentally and financially.
He wants you there, but he does not want you there. He may feel some guilt because he is married and can you be sure he is not using you as a pawn? You say he is spending more time at the house . . . does his wife have a "friend"? Maybe his presence at the house is keeping a friend at bay. On the other hand, maybe he has a desire to make the marriage work whether he realizes it or not.
This is a period of time when he needs support, he needs someone there to talk with, but he really needs time to sort things out day-to-day. When there is a house, kids, a wife -- memories and futures at stake -- he cannot just walk away and pretend it is done. His kids will always be his kids. Houses do not always sell quickly (if that is the plan). Alimony is a real probability as well as child support.
Give him space and give him time. Get your own place. If you care and if you are emotionally able -- be supportive to the extent you can -- no blaming. Just be real. In other words, you may simply be a bridge to him becoming single -- a bridge supports the crossover. Or -- you may be the girlfriend who will listen to countless hours of memories, fears, frustrations, worries -- and have to be strong enough for the two of you when times are tough. Not an easy role.
Suggestion -- tell him to go to counseling so that your friendship is not weighted down by so much of the difficult portions of the divorce . . . I do not mean to be negative, but want you to keep your eyes open -- people do not always mean to hurt others, but when they are in stressful situations -- it can happen in the blink of an eye. Evaluate your situation and know you have choices.
2006-10-11 16:38:48 · answer #2 · answered by joyann 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Your story is exactly why I make it a rule not to date men who are still married, which most definitely includes separated men. And this is one rule I NEVER, ever break. In fact, I won't date a man that has been recently divorced. Their heads are still waaaay too far up their butts to be able to have a relationship. Sorry guys, but it is true (and that applies to women too). Love is a very complicated area, and it is best when both parties are free to give their full attention to each other. Sorry hun, this guy is not ready for anything real right now.
2006-10-11 16:52:36 · answer #3 · answered by littleflower_57 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Think he has mix emotions at first it was all new and a thrilll you both tryed it out and now its fizzeling and he realizes maybe this wasn't the right thing to do. And he's trying to put the ball in your court and hinting around so you can see it for yourself how he's feeling without acutally coming out and telling you go back home it not what it was cracked up to be for him and he';d rather you walk away so he doesn;t have to look like the bad guy here.
But hey look on the bright side better you should know now that your not going to click than to give up everything for this man who's heart isn't into you a 100%.
good luck
2006-10-11 17:13:07 · answer #4 · answered by For ever in my Heart 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's either still married or divorced. And the way I see it, if he's just separated then he's still legally married and sounds very confused on what he really wants. I would suggest u give yourself a time limit, as far as how long u are going to wait and when that time is up, move on with your own life.
2006-10-11 16:47:09 · answer #5 · answered by cheetah7 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he has some insecurity issues. He doesn't want to let go of things for fear of losing them no matter how miserable he is. If you are his friend then let him go. He needs to find inner strength to deal with his marriage first. If he get the divorce then try to see about making something work - but not before. He will string you along as long as you will put up with it. Cut him loose until he can make some real decisions like man should.
2006-10-11 16:33:06 · answer #6 · answered by Blitz 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
i would say that he is using you, and if he wanted a divorce he would get one.he has been spending time at the house, which means he is still interested in his wife, and he is still married to her and it is morally wrong.i would not move up there. he wants to eat his cake and have it too.i would not put too much trust in a married man,and if he gets a divorce he will loose alot financially. i don't believe he is truly separated from the wife, or that she know's about you, i believe she would be hurt if she knew. i would not move up there, i would end the relationship as soon as possibble and move on and get a man who is unattached.think of the man's family and his daughter, and his wife, i wouldn't believe everything he told me. he also is putting you in a terribble predicament here, an unsafe one, where you give your all and he is not able to give you what you want.
2006-10-11 16:36:28 · answer #7 · answered by jude 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
He wants to end it, but doesn't want to hurt you. He does care for you, but even so, wants to give his marriage another chance. He doesn't have the nerve to come right out and say it. Saying she'll never "give" him a divorce is a lie. You don't need to be given one. If he wanted one, he'd get it.
Please go on with you life, without this man who is still married and still attached to his family. Regardless of his or your feelings, there is nothing there for you. Separated men are still married. Looks like he's made a choice, he's just afraid to tell you.
2006-10-11 16:28:30 · answer #8 · answered by Bad Kitty! 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he needs some time to close a long and important chapter in his life before he can put his all into a new one. If you wanted to do the best thing, give him the time he needs...like any relationship, good or bad, you need to have that time to heal, and let go...get closure. Tell him you will be there once he knows he's ready. But he still needs to be involved in the childrens live's for their sake...if he is to raise great kids...good luck, this will be tough for you, but in the end, if he's the one for you, he will come to you, and with no baggage...
2006-10-11 16:34:49 · answer #9 · answered by Sandi 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Shall I say BS! and he can a divorce - this country has not fault divorce laws- that covers it- you are being played- and he had quite a line - lesson- don't date or get involved w a separated or married man- this one is definitely not ready anyway=- do not shack up! Causes more problems- take OFF you blinders of LOVE- get real- end it - end the head games- D
2006-10-11 16:27:50 · answer #10 · answered by Debby B 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋