I'm currently writing on a story and would like feedback on it. I have it posted on fictionpress but only my friends are commenting and i would like a truthfull answer from someone i DONT already know
2006-10-11 13:18:49 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=2253566
2006-10-11 13:24:04 · update #1
P.S. I'm only 14
2006-10-11 13:44:49 · update #2
I only saw one page, I don't know if there is more, it's a good beginning. Very good premise for a story.
OK, you asked for it. Here goes.
You use the term "half demon" to much. You need to vary that a little. It seemed like you could condense all those sentences down to 1 or 2 and it would be smoother. See below.
Also the phrase "of course" is used too often. There is no "of course", you are taking us to a place we have never been, and we don't know what's going on. We don't know anything, therefore, "of course" is inappropriate.
Your sentences need to be sharper. They are too wordy and difficult to understand. You are painting a picture of a harsh bleak place, so the sentences should be sharp and vivid. I want to give you an example from your story so, I will have to come back to this...
Your punctuation is wrong. Don't write anything else until you learn proper punctuation. Punctuation is how you get ideas across to your audience, if you don't do it properly, we get lost and annoyed. It's very important.
I will be back with an example of what I mean, hold on...
OK, this is what I mean.
"There are bars on the windows, 5 kids to a room, rancid, poisoned food. It was clear we were far from anyones view."
Condensing sentences make the ideas flow easier.
It's loose and raw, but you can make something great out of it. Good Luck
2006-10-11 13:40:50 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'll check it out l8r, im 13 and am currently about a fith through my first book, and I have like 90 book ideas written down in all my note books, some have titles some dont. You go girl!
2006-10-12 09:44:53 · answer #2 · answered by Jensen Ackles Girl (I Wish!) 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good Job!
2006-10-11 20:46:16 · answer #3 · answered by Alexis 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it. Listen to Bons. She has some good advice. Damm GOOD for 14!!!!!!!
2006-10-12 00:42:19 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
nice keep up the good work try to use more "unused"/"uncommon" words if you no what i mean
2006-10-11 20:27:35 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
give me address for story!
2006-10-11 20:21:31 · answer #6 · answered by raj_sharmausa@yahoo.com 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WoW!!!
2006-10-11 20:26:21 · answer #7 · answered by Be my fan Please! 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋