If your wife had an affair, and it ended, would you want her to tell you, or keep it a secret?

Question

I have been married for 10 years. Our marriage has been rough, and my wife met another man, she swore it was not sexual, but continued to see him off and on for 2 years. Her guilt was too much and she eventually confessed everything to me. Now I bear the guilt and shame and she is free. If she never told me, I would not bear the pain. But she would still be burdened with the guilt and this was breaking up our marriage. So by destroying my trust in her, she was able to save herself...

Answer 1

I know you've asked men...

The best way to get out of this circle is for the unfaithful one to tell. Otherwise she keeps secrets from you all the time, and it can't possibly be good. The next step is for her not to ever see this man again, and it seems like it took place in your case. Yet another step for both of you is to pay close attention to satisfy each other's emotional needs, so that there is no more room or need for affairs.

She didn't tell you to destroy your trust. She told you because she finally came to conclusion that she trusts that you love her enough to overcome this, that you are the one, that you are the best for her. She wouldn't have told you if she still had doubts. She'd keep cheating on you until she found someone else to marry.

Good luck, it's a tough one.

Answer 2

Under the circumstances you have described to us, no, I would not want to know. (Although, I have to admit, I would suspect something had gone on.)

I'd still go to the doctor now though and get checked for STD's.

Then again, is your wife confusing a platonic, "cross-gender" or "cross-sex" friendship with a male as an "affair"? Men and women do have such friendships although the husband usually is made aware of such a thing, just so he does not get the wrong idea. Are the both of you now shouldering guilt when there really is no need to feel guilty?

See:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/7w3/7w3030.html

http://thechp.syr.edu/genpat.htm

http://peoplerelationships.syl.com/essenceoffriendship/justfriends

I hope this helps you.

Answer 3

I feel for you mate. You were put in a no win position. Your wife is well out of order and should have told you she was thinking about other folk before she did anything.

That way you would be forewarned and feel maybe you played a role in the decision to break up. Maybe her new guy will treat her not as good as you did and she will realise what she has lost.

You seem a decent bloke and should be fine to find a companion to share your life with. Don't let something which was out of your control, control your life.

Answer 4

That is a tough one. Obviously, she must have been seeking something outside the marriage in addition to sexual intimacy

Why do you feel guilt? Are you guilty of something? This reminds me of a past relationship I had before I met my husband. For some reason, I had guilt over the way he treated me (he fooled around on me, and I left him even though he claimed to still love me etc.) Then for some reason, I blamed myself. What a load of garbage. One day I woke up and realized I had nothing to feel guilty over. Either do you. Unless you mistreat your wife...?

In answer to your question. Yes, I'd want to know. I may not divorce my husband over it, but I expect complete honesty in my marriage. Without that, it is as good as over. I guess what your saying is that 'the 'truth will set you free'.

Answer 5

I think you should consider a number of factors before you make a move. Factors such as kids, finance, etc. It also depends on the kind of relationship you both had with each other, and the kind of person you are. You could let go and let God do the rest, or you could take the matter into your own hands. If you are a faithful person and you took a vow, you should find peace sticking to your vow and let your wife be accountable to God for her actions. Considering other factors, its up to you to determine if this relationship is worth saving or not. Even Jesus said that if your one eye let you sin, pluck it out!

Answer 6

i feel for you, man. i think in this case, honesty is not the best policy. because for a guy, knowing that your wife is having an affair, either sexual or non sexual is just devastating. if she tells you the truth either you will lose your trust on her and make her life more miserable. whatever she does you will always have suspicion and it will eventually eat you up. i think the best is for the wife to just keep it to herself and if she really is sorry i would say that she stops cheating and try to be a loving and supportive wife.

Answer 7

l would wanna know. i would rather have my husband tell me he was cheating on me than find out when i go to the ob/gyn and they said i had an std or hiv. also if i find out that my husband has been cheating on me for 2 years i would leave him and i'd never wanna have anything to do with him for the rest of my life. also, she probably has had a guilty conscious for the past 2 years, but im not defending her either, but if she didn't want that kind of self inflicted pain she was giving herself, she should have stopped having that affair. hope this helps! :D

Answer 8

Chances are she is not "free" like you say she is. I'm not defending her by any means, because what she did was just not right, but she's been living and dealing with this for 2 years while you're just beginning to find out about it. To her it's not a shock, to you it is.

If it was my husband, I would still want to know, so I could leave his sorry ***.

Answer 9

I would tell because god fobid i got pregnant or got a disease, it would be worse, because you only told them only because they might find out. Lets say you have a child and the child gets in an accident and needs bone marrow or an organ, the husband would probaly get tested and the secret's out. And if you catch a disease and the husband gets it then he knows you were cheating (unless he was) and you gave him a disease. So i think your wife was right in telling you.

Answer 10

Well if the affair ended I would still want her to tell me because we could then work it out instead of everything being a secret.