to restate last question about mentally ill ex?

Question

I have been taking care of him and teaching him new bahaviors for five years, the long part is havng to deal with his mom, she is like a child too, and I do love the boy, and he has slowly been allowed to see his mother, she is suing for custody- she is not a stranger to him and she is more of a con than a mentally ill person. I am not asking my husband to chose , he is thinking about giving him back to her so this is a question for him too. I would not let any of my kids be around her, but he is not my child and i cannot make that choice for him. She has been diognosed with bipolar disorder and she wants him back now after 5 years and claims to be able to handle it . she is also getting remarried but she is bitter and wants us apart and hates me for being there to care for her son. It is a tuff situation and it is affecting the other kids very negativley as well as our marriage, we have been in and out of court for years, its driving the sane people crazy. please advise

Answer 1

My goodness, what is most obvious is that this is a tremendously difficult situation for you. What I am hearing is a conflict of loves -- your love for your husband's son, versus your love for your own children and him. Your five short words "I do love the boy" speak such volumes:-))) You evoke in me waves of compassion. And if there were an easy answer, you would have found it long ago!!! I'm sorry, no-one, here or professional, can (should) try to take the burden of decisions from you. You are the person who has to live with your choices. It is a tremendous ethical dilemma, when you feel your ex's son will suffer if he goes back to his mother but your own children and marriage have been suffering and will continue to suffer while this process continues. Only you knows what it feels to be you, only you will feel what comes to you in future.

You could perhaps feel lighter with a professional counsellor who holds a space for you to express your feelings, ask your 'what if' questions, and know yourself more.... but am I hearing you saying you have had other, less than helpful, experiences of counselling?? If so, what have you thought about the possibility of a different counsellor? I say this primarily because it sounds from your brief self-espression here like you have a slew of thoughts and feelings and that you might value being fully listened to.

Legally.... I am not a lawyer so don't take my word for it, but I believe they have to put the welfare of the boy first so if you have EVIDENCE of his mother's bitterness and hatred, and/or of her unstable behaviours and substance abuse, it may help for keeping the custody with his father. As you have I imagine come to know, depending on his age and "Gillick competence" the boy's own voice will count in court. (One thing you have not voiced here is his thought and feelings.) You may even get a judge for whom a child saying "I love my daddy. I'm scared of mummy" will be an influence even if it is not in law weighty. Mother's therapist, though, is in a relationship of confidentiality with her and I (and I'm pretty sure the BACP too) would consider it highly unethical for the therapist to disclose to you any of what s/he knows from therapy sessions. For me, the confidentiality of the client and psychotherapist/counsellor relationship is a sacred trust and I wonder if you might consider not trying to breach it even if the law allows you to. You too might benefit from a confidential counselling relationship before this life is over for you.

Spiritually, there is a technique called "the peace and harmony prayer" which I will send you privately if you ask for it. It is extraordinary how powerful some people have found this simple technique to be, used with love and persistence. There is also, from another source, an exercise called "cutting the ties that bind" which I would use if I had a relationship with a person such as you describe this boy's mother as. I can let you know where to find & learn this one, too.

Perhaps there are choices open to you that will sustain your marriage and your own children. I am thinking of choices that you can make regardless of what is happening in the custody conflict. I wonder how you and your husband are working on your own marriage. How often, for example, do the two of you spend a day or two alone together, without kids around? What do you like to do for a moment.... an hour.... an evening.... at six in the morning...... that is fun, or delight, or celebration, as a couple? Who are you for each other that is moving.... stimulating.... inspiring... cute?

And there may be similar questions to explore in all the other family relationships, around how and when these are being nurtured.

Blessings and Light to you.

Answer 2

Hopefully, this new marriage will give her something else to focus on besides trying to ruin your lives. I would hate to see this young man subjected to her even though she is his mother. She could really hurt him psychologically for a very long time with her crazy antics. I would not willingly send him to live with her. However, if the courts make the decision there is really nothing you can do. I know this must be horrible to deal with, you must think of the child,and do your best not to allow her to know or see the frustration she is causing the two of you. She obviouly feeds upon it and if she thinks or believes that she is not affecting you she will probably stop. With the question re worded it is seen in a whold new light. I would assume from the question that she has been evaluated so the courts are aware of her illness and lack of contact with the child. So, I would hope they would take this into consideration and not force him to live with her. Good luck and God bless, If you are a praying family I would get on my knees and prayer. God does create miracles and he does give us wisdom and strength. You must consider what is best for the little boy, and the rest of the chidlren. however, she is the problem and I feel would cause great harm to him and undue everything that has been done.

Answer 3

The best way to get back your ex is https://tr.im/djSqQ

Here's the hard part: Pretend she never existed, like it was all a dream, don't call her, that will make you the smaller person, be the bigger person since you deserve better, what she did to you on Valentines Day was immature, especially after dating for four years. This person wasted allot of your time and through it out the window. Go out tonight, even it it is only yourself, don't drink and call or feel sorry for yourself, this will only cause you embarrassment! I know your hurting..This will eventually will go away in time. Today is not a good day for you and your emotions are spinning all over the place.

Please, whatever you do, don't answer her calls and don't call her. If she keeps calling, which she pro bally won't, don't return her call for 5 days. Make her sweat and DO Not get back together right away if you discuss this in 5 days. Tell her since she Broke up with you, you have done allot of thinking, and had the taste of "being single again" and you would like more time being "friends" for now, so you are sure you are making the right decision. Remember "She decided she didn't want to be with you" so the door is open for you to get out and see what you have been missing for four years. You honestly need to do this for yourself.

She doesn't know, but what she did was give you the best valentines day present you will ever get! A new start and a new beginning, use it to your advantage. You will look back on this and Thank God this happened now instead of 4 more wasted years of YOUR life. Today does suck, stay Strong and I promise you your life is going to be so much more exciting and you are going to be happy. If you continue to call and call her, she will think of you as needy and won't want you. She is going to rethink what she did to you today and will be hurt, if you act like you could care less. Girls always want the ones they can't have. That is who you are now to her. Let her suffer,realizing what a mistake she made. This will drive her crazy. Right now she is on cloud 9 thinking you will take her back, OH, is she stupid!

Your life isn't ruined, hers is..She lost someone special, and gave you a gift to let to live life and find someone you deserve. You are not getting back at her, your teaching her what an idiot she is and what she lost and what you gained without her. SO when You eventually talk to her, tell her thank you for what she did...
She will be hurt and you will be happy!

Answer 4

i am guessing from your spelling that you are in the U.S. As i recall your system for paternal rights is much better than ours. She has a mental disorder that could render her dangerous. I know i have worked with some. I f her Psychiatrist say's that she is stable then she is. However, all mental disorders are fluid and have to treated on a day to day basis. if the diagnosis came through quite some time ago, then i would call for her to be reassessed by a impartial practitioner.

Answer 5

Want to know how to get your ex back? Change yourself. Don't worry about changing other people, worry about changing yourself. Go to https://tr.im/2hOwa

Once you do that then you can start to worry about getting back together with your ex, other wise you will find that you are fighting about all the same things and getting no where. Do what it takes and I promise things will work out in your favor.

The funny thing is I came to the realization that I had to change a little too late. After I was kicked out and after I was about to lose the only things that truly mattered to me - her love. A funny thing happens when we truly love someone and lose them. We do what ever it takes to get them back. For me I had to drop bad habits that had caused not only our relationship to sour but practically every other relationship I had had in the past. Not only with women, but with friends, co-workers, family, you name it.

Which is why I say to you as my ex at the time said to me, the only thing you can do is change yourself. Work on yourself and improve on the person that you already are. Drop the negative things in your life that don't belong there and you will see all of your relationships start to take off to new heights.

Answer 6

The apple doesnt fall far from the tree. Try spending your time one someone usefull