I just got engaged like 2 weeks ago.... well me and my fiance have been living together for around 8 months, but lately she has been acting sort of depressed, I finally confronted her about it, and she said that she's been so down because she misses her family.... we live well over 1.5 hours away from them, so we can't visit them everyday, more like once every two weeks.... she doesn't miss living with them, she just wants to spend more time with them, but this is almost an impossibilty due to everyone's work schedule.... is there something I can do, that would make it easier for her?? Should I ask my family to try and fill the void more for her? Any suggestions would be appreciated, thanks...
2006-10-11 03:56:20 · 8 answers · asked by Nick S 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
My friend, I am so with you. My fiancee and I got engaged about 5 months ago, and we now live in Arizona near my family and her family lives in Seattle. We were together 11 months before I popped the question
Here's what you need to know first: I read an article soon after getting engaged (i looked but couldn't find it, sorry) that suggested that it is actually common for women to feel somewhat depressed after being engaged. According to this female psychologist here is why:
1) You are now "her guy", and she is going to begin looking at the relationship all over again. With you as her boyfriend, there was still the possibility that she could find another fish in the sea. Effectively engagement closes back doors to some degree.
2) Marriage ALWAYS has women think about family. So being engaged has her thinking, "Okay, now his parents will be my in-laws, and my parents will be his in-laws." When you get married, you marry her family too! We guys don't like to think about this at first... just a warning.
3) In a way, marriage is the end of her youth. She is stepping into the phase of being your wife, and soon after a mother. So one thing to suggest is that she may want her family to be able to go back into her youth! When you are around family, you naturally regress to a younger age. So she may want that, so that she can say goodbye to it.
So here is my suggestion. Take your time, and don't set a date yet. And talk with her about why. Nobody gives the engagement process credit, but it truly is a full re-examination of your relationship together, because you have just upped the ante.
Statistics according to this article show that most marriages that end in divorce had very short engagement periods. Somehow this makes sense, because the couple didn't have time to process spending the rest of their lives together.
And the last thing I got from this article was don't feel like a failure if the engagement is called off. Obviously it looks bad, and there are a lot of people to inform, but it is a HELL of a lot better then divorce and going through all that legality. Engagement is the "test" of spending your life together with this person.
My suggestion to her based on my experience (you are welcome to share this with her) is to take a week vacation to just be with her family. Just let yourself be their daughter again, and give yourself time to process what has just happened. My fiancee almost needed this, but instead she just racked up the phone bill that month, and that seemed to work for her (over 1500 minutes). Considering you are so close, a vacation might be a little cheaper... *smile*
Congratulations! I wish you the best wishes, and I hope this helps.
2006-10-11 04:32:57 · answer #1 · answered by Jericho 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is about time for her after these 8 months she is thinking more of her family and not You. If she keeps this up you are going to be " Second Class " citizen in her life. Tell her what are the important things in her life for her right now and tell her to go after this.
Expect trouble in the future my friend.
2006-10-11 11:16:55 · answer #2 · answered by US 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
was the engagement a "fix" for her depression? sounds like she isn't ready for marriage yet. there may be unresolved things between her and her family or with her accepting adulthood responsibility.
the fact that you state "i finally confronted her..." would indicate that your communication with each other is weak. strive for more open communication with her and learn to LISTEN to what she has to say without trying to solve things. She may just wish to be heard. most women can work out their own problems, they just want to talk them out so they can sort their thoughts. its hard, but just listen to her and ask questions, dont suggest answers
2006-10-11 11:10:48 · answer #3 · answered by casurfwatcher 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You finacee and her folks, siblings can talk on the phone frequently and they too could try and visit your place instead of it being just you guys going over. Another idea is to meet up somewhere midway for a dinner.
2006-10-11 11:00:55 · answer #4 · answered by Krishna 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
maybe you can drop her off to her family's place for a few days (7-12 days)once a month. it can help. otherwise as you said yur family too can help in filling the void in her life as soon she will be a part of your family.
2006-10-11 10:59:28 · answer #5 · answered by karan s 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
let them communicate daily by web cam / messenger!!! You would be surprised how much better than a phone that is.
2006-10-11 11:03:37 · answer #6 · answered by dano 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
TRY GETTING A TELEPHONE ,THAT IS A WAY TO COMMUNICATE. LET YOUR WIFE KNOW THAT YOU ARE HER FAMILY TOO.AND SHOW HER HOW MUCH YOU NEED HER.
2006-10-11 11:09:08 · answer #7 · answered by roll tide 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
GET A WEB CAM AND HAVE CONVERSATIONS ON THE INTERNET FACE TO FACE.
2006-10-11 11:03:13 · answer #8 · answered by nwnativeprincess 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋