we got engaged last year and i want to move on with our relationship. he gets mad at me when i try to push the issue. i feel like a ***** but i cannot stand it any longer. He says he loves me and wants a life with me but i dont think hes ready and i feel i have had it. i have talked to him about how i feel but he thinks i should be able to live with it, if i loved him.
2006-10-11 02:52:07 · 28 answers · asked by michelle2 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I only gave a brief question yesterday and recieved some harsh feed back. i said that we got engaged last year i and i wanted to move on with our relationship . i have been with him for 3 years and have supported him with his grieving, i gave my job up and got an agency job so i could be flexable and fly off to be near him when he needed me. i ask him if he wanted to make a special box to put all the things he wants to keep, etc. i also agreed when he told me if he died before me that he wants to be buried with her, so i do not think i am being a selfish ***** or am i? He wants to get married and wants me to give up my life in another country to be with him, which i am prepared to do, but i can not live with all his wifes belongings around me. i have explaind to him how i feel, but he thinks i should live with it if i loved him. i feel hes never going to move on from her. i was hoping someone could give me some good advice on what to do because i dont think i can take anymore.
2006-10-12 03:24:31 · update #1
If you can not live with him the way he is then do not marry him.
If he is not willing to change out of his habits for you why marry him?
2006-10-15 01:26:48 · answer #1 · answered by Amanda K 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She was obviously someone amazing to him if they got married. He is so in love with you that he is willing to give his heart to you and get married for a second time after what happened with his wife, I don't understand your problem. He has lost his wife- a human being, probably his best friend and let go of her, maybe he can't part with the material things because he has parted with the most important- a life. Who says how long the greiving process is? If the only way he can move on- and it is so obvious he wants to because he wants a new life with you-is by keeping her things then so be it. Stop being selfish and realise he will always hold something in his heart for her but he is IN LOVE WITH YOU! Maybe it is not her he cant let go of maybe it is the habitual life he had before you. Support him and take things slowly. She was taken away dont pressure him into losing what he has left. Everything that happens in life is etched on your personality, the more you try to get rid of her things it probably feels you are picking him apart because her things were part of his life for so long. I can't give you a time span but the more you accept what she meant to him and be more understanding, he will realise he doesn't need to hold on because he has you. He can only do it when he is ready and in his own time. Please dont break up with him as you have come this far and he sounds like a good guy. Why lose him over his past. There is no threat!
2006-10-11 10:28:48 · answer #2 · answered by Chloe B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is being extremely selfish expecting you to live with it and is resorting to emotional blackmail by saying 'if you loved him'. On the contrary, if he loved you he would simply give her things away (possibly to charity) and begin a new life with you. If this had been recent I could have understood his behaviour, but 4 years is surely enough to come to terms with his loss and move on, otherwise what the hell is he doing with you? That said, I do have to say that everyone takes a different time to get over a bereavement, but he should never have started a relationship with you if he hasn't. It could be, by pushing the issue, he is digging his heels in because he doesn't want you to be the one to instigate clearing out her things - he wants this to be his decision. If this is so, then I would suggest you give him (in your mind) a period of time in which to do this without mentioning it again. If at the end of that time he still hasn't, then I would seriously reconsider the whole relationship and whether you want to continue with it and 'live' with the dead wife. I know I couldn't because it is almost like competing with another woman. Good luck whatever you decide and I do hope it works out for you.
2006-10-11 10:51:39 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't fight a ghost...he has to get past this, because she ain't coming back. You can not live your life in the shadow of someone else. It's not fair to you, and it prevents a real relationship from forming.
Untill he can say that your happieness is more important that a dead girl's favorite vase (for example), you don't have the relationship you think you have.
It takes a long time to get over some things, and maybe he is just not ready to make that sort of choice yet. No one should rely on you accepting an unacceptable behavior as a test of love. Love wouldn't allow him to put you in that position.
2006-10-11 10:07:25 · answer #4 · answered by Joe 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Death is a really hard thing to come to terms with and if you cant accept the way he is and support him then any relationshiop you have isnt going to work. He will part with things and come to terms with everything in his own time, it doesnt mean he loves you any less, just that he isnt ready to let go of all the memories yet. All you can do is talk to him and try to sort out a compromise, but dont back him into a corner and make him do things his not ready for because it wont work.
2006-10-11 09:58:26 · answer #5 · answered by jean m 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He has to realise that even though he loved his wife that she is the past and that you are the future, niether of you can carry on a loving and trusting relationship with this hanging around you so tell him that he needs to move on or move out. I know this may sound a bit harsh but this woman is gone and its you that is here, he chose to have another relationship and love somebody else after he lost his wife and i think he has had long enough to get over her and get on with a new life.
2006-10-14 17:41:02 · answer #6 · answered by littleredgeisha 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you actually this selfish and insecure? Your fiance loves you, but he also loved his wife. That will never change. A person can love many people in his/her life, but we all love other people differently because we are all different. You should not feel threatened by this. He has every right to keep her things because, whether you like it or not, she was a part of his life. He should not be forced to toss a huge part of his life away because you are insecure. If you love him, help him with his grief and his loss. That will allow him to move on with his life, and your realtionship. Your brow-beating to get him to toss his wife's things qualifies as harrassment. Also, it's not your place to tell him to do anything with her belongings. maybe he should tell you to throw out your high school yearbook because there's a picture of your old boyfriend in there.
I'll say it again, if you love your fiance, really really love him, you won't force your will on him and make him get rid of his wife's things. It's the wrong thing to do, and you have a lot of nerve asking him to do it, and quite frankly, if I were him, I'd get rid of you and not my deceased wife's belongings.
2006-10-11 10:14:05 · answer #7 · answered by Mr. Grudge 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are taking a step in the right direction by speaking to him about how you feel. If these are clothes/personal items of hers then maybe you can suggest that you box them away and put them in the attic or basement. If he wants to hang on to them, then allow him to have his memories his own way. It is not like they divorced or she left him for another man...she died. You maybe need to look at yourself and ask why his keeping these things bothers you! It sounds like there may be some jealousy issues that you are not wanting to admit to yourself and that you are afraid that he may have loved her more, etc. There is nothing wrong w/ these fears, but maybe you need to explain to him WHY you feel the way you do about him keeping her things rather than telling him HE needs to move on. I am sure it will help both of you understand the other and if he knows your fears he may be willing to part w/ her personal effects to ease the new woman in his life...you.
2006-10-11 10:01:29 · answer #8 · answered by mvngs 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It must be hard competing with a dead woman. If you truly love him, tolerate her things around for a while. As he becomes more secure with you, he'll start to put them away himself. Four years is not that long ago, the grieving process can take a very long time. Just be there for him, and accept it's going to be a long slow process for him to heal. Good luck for the future, to both of you.
2006-10-15 07:41:32 · answer #9 · answered by F 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's a good man and he needs a little more time to get over that loss. He may never get over it, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you and it doesn't mean he can't have a solid relationship with you or that he won't marry you. It means that those are areas where only HE should be dealing with... otherwise, you're just pushing him and prodding him to do things and he may one day resent you for it. Don't fight with ghosts; you can never win. It's not like she's still alive, and it's not like she's causing this on purpose to hurt you or make you feel bad... it wasn't her fault she died... have you considered the fact that too often survivors must live with guilt for being alive?
It's not like he's being unfaithful to you. He is a man of deep emotional values; stick it out! He will love you that much more.
Don't push him... you may just push him away, and he sounds like a man who doesn't let go of his emotions. Be his source of strength, not his source of further anguish. Let him speak, just listen... you ain't in his shoes so don't be too quick to pass judgement and compare yourself with someone who's not alive... you may lose! Don't suggest he get rid of her things unless you're also willing to get rid of everything that you have in your home that is important to you...! You're not being fair, you're being a bit selfish for thinking only of YOUR feelings... don't you think he's suffering enough without YOU adding to it?
YOU don't know what he's going through. He WANTS to get over his loss, but he's having a great deal of difficulties. Don't make it worse for him if you love him.
Maybe you BOTH need professional counseling? Consider it.
Good luck and best wishes.
2006-10-11 10:07:57 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I had a similar problem with my boyfriend, i drove me mad, I got a large shoe box (memory box) decorated it for him and he put her stuff in there. The box now lives in the loft and hasn't even been touched for two years. If you are intending to spend the rest of your lives together you do need to have it out with him, i am sure his wife would want him to move on and be happy, maybe try expalining that to him or getting someone to talk to him about it. Either way it does need sorting BEFORE the wedding. Good Luck.
2006-10-11 10:04:54 · answer #11 · answered by Kay P 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋