Just this mornig I was getting my children ready for school and out of no where I am being accused of having a affair with my boyfriend from 13 to 14 yrs. ago, maybe even longer, whom was my first boyfriend. I have not even thought of this person in that long, don't know how he's doing or if he is married and could care less. If my husband doesn't stop this crape soon, I am going to just have to get out of this marriage. This is 8yrs. of marriage that I have been dealing with this crape. I have never cheated and don't derserve this treatment, but don't know how to get the respect from him that I derserve. I'm getting worn out, it's hard to even want to work it out with him anymore. You can only take so much, he has hit me a few times over the yrs.and is consantly mentaly abusing me. He makes me feel so stupid sometimes. But I do know I'm not the stupid one, he is, he is the one that is going to break up our family and put our children through hell and I don't know if he even cares.
2006-10-11 02:19:09 · 21 answers · asked by ME 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Hey, it only gets worse over time honey, and I 'm speaking from experience.....we've been together now 13 yrs,....married for 12 of them...I'm feeling like he must be in control or else he's completely insecure. Whenever I get dressed up and I don't mean sleazy...I am a classy girl but my husband seems to get all the wrong impressions, like who am I sneaking out to see ....when really it should be gee sweetheart your sure lookin' mighty hot...just remember whatever he's doing to you it's affecting your kids 10x's worse.....my 12yr old will agree with me on that
I can't give you answers to all of your problems so whatever you do just remember that he's the one with the bigger problem and not you or any of your children ! Mental abuse and verbal abuse can actually be more damaging than being physically abused.
Do what your instincts tell you and hopefully you'll get yourself back on track and don't let his insecurities wear you down.......
they're 'his' and not yours so let him deal with them!
don't let him be the one to break up your family.....you do it !
cause if you don't..... what kind of mom are you then.. putting your kids thru any more of his crap? think about it!
I care............bee
2006-10-11 03:01:05 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh honey..I was in a very similar situation. After 5 1/2 years, I had enough. The accusations he throws around so freely are because he is very insecure in himself. He doesn't feel worthy deep down and this is his way of taking bringing you down to his level - in his eyes. The mental and physical abuse will only escalate with time, it is just the way this stuff happens. First it is only a slap or hit after a huge argument. Then it goes further and further until it is a full blown beating. You don't want your children growing up in a house like that....seeing that stuff every day or even ever few days is NOT healthy for your babies. As far as if he cares, I don't think he really believes you will actually pick up and leave. At least mine didn't. I just took my girls and walked out one day. The look on his face was priceless because after all those years of putting up with it, he just thought I was going to forever. I didn't want that for my life and you don't either. I could have waited until the kids were older, but at what cost? I feared that they would take the same mentality that he had and figure, well mom stayed this long, what is a couple more years going to hurt? I couldn't risk that. I am not saying that divorce is your only option..but perhaps a serious wake up call is in order. My ex to this day begs me to come back (2 years after the divorce is final) He now realizes how stupid he was and how great I was...but for me it is too late. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need to talk...email me.
2006-10-11 02:58:41 · answer #2 · answered by babe 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As far as the accusing you about cheating when there is no grounds for it, you need to talk to him and tell him point blank that if he continues, it will be the end of your marriage. Let him know that you are not going to live under the umbrella of doubt, suspicion and mistrust for the rest of your life.
About the hitting, that is always scary when a man will hit his wife, girlfriend or children. Just for that alone is a reason for you to really consider leaving and not coming back. Only you know the details about that, but you have to make sure you and the children are safe if he is abusive.
2006-10-11 02:33:57 · answer #3 · answered by Suthern R 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have been down this road before , and what it sounds like to me is that he is the one cheating , see when people cheat they have to lash out at someone because they know down deep its wrong and what your husband is doing is hoping you will tell him that you are cheating and then he will feel alot better about his self for doing it, I know it might sound stupid but its the truth, and what you need to be doing now is checking up on him , I would start with his cell phone if he has one , write down all the incoming and outgoing calls and keep a record of the ones that you dont know, and the time and date and how long they talk, next take the milage on his car or truck and see how many miles he really puts on it, for example before he leaves for work take the milage and when he gets home look at it, IF he only drives 20 miles to and from work and he has 150 more miles on it when you check it then something is not right, look at his underwear I know this may sound gross but do it, and if he has c** stains in them and you know that you havent done anything with him that day, something is wrong , but what ever you do DONT let him know that your checking up on him or he will cover his tracks so good that you might not ever find out. and if you do found out that hes cheating then you will for sure know why he tryed to make you feel stupid, and do what you have to for your self and the kids, you seem like a good person dont let him take that from you !!!!!!!!!!!!!
2006-10-11 03:45:03 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why have you put up with this for 8 years? You and your children need to get out of that situation. Right now, in addition to the mental cruelty he is inflicting on you, he is teaching your children that sort of behavior...he is a role model for them...like it or not.
You need to be with someone who respects you, and builds you up rather than constantly tries to tear you down and belittle you. Call a local spousal abuse hot line, and look into getting into a shelter. At the very least, talk to one of there councilors, or a few of the "escaped" wives...you are not the only one dealing with this.
2006-10-11 02:57:45 · answer #5 · answered by Joe 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Firstly you are not alone.
Thousands of us receive ill treatment within the marriage. All I can say speaking from my experience is leave, leave as soon as possible. I did and it was the single most difficult thing I have ever done. But my children are ok, they even say even though we miss Daddy we are glad you are not fighting and Daddy is not mean to you anymore. Children are more astute then we give them credit for and I can assure you they pick up on every negative vibe within the house, it is not a pleasant environment for them as well as you.
The self-confidence I gained in leaving my ex was amazing, I transformed from a dowdy, lethargic housewife to someone who enjoys life and dresses appropriate to my age. And I have met a man who is by far a better dad to my children then their biological father and a man that treats me with the respect I deserve.
Seriously, don't put up with his abuse a day longer, put you and your children first and start to create a life for you all without any abuse in it.
Good Luck x
2006-10-11 02:26:41 · answer #6 · answered by boudicea 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have you ever heard of the saying that it is not the one that you are blaming that is doing the wrong, that it is yourself? That could be what is going on with him. He is doing the wrong but he is blaming it on you because he does not want to admit to it. If he is being abusive to you and is making your life miserable then maybe you should separate for a while. I don't think that he believes that you are stupid, I think that he knows that you are not stupid and he is the one that is. So by him blaming you and making you upset, and feeling stupid that is easing his conscious a little bit.
Good Luck!
2006-10-11 05:12:19 · answer #7 · answered by bigred 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Every situation is different. My suggestion is to seek counseling and tell him flat out that you are DONE playing his childish games. Tell him that if he cannot love you and cherish you the way a loving husband should then you won't stay around and be his play toy! Love IS NOT cruel! A person who loves you is not cruel to you! I am not saying that there won't be times when people say things that they shouldn't, but the over-all picture of a marriage should be love, trust and honesty!
Put your foot down now and tell him that you are not going to take being treated like that ANYMORE!!!
2006-10-11 03:11:41 · answer #8 · answered by me:0) 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My guess would be that he's the one cheating, and he's trying to make himself feel better about it by accusing you. Mental and emotional abuse is still abuse, and we won't even go into the physical part of it because you know the answer to that in your heart. Call a women's shelter in your area to get some counseling and help -- for your own sake and the sake of your children.
2006-10-11 02:22:52 · answer #9 · answered by kc_warpaint 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Kick him to the curb. If he is hitting you and mentally abusing you it is not a good situation. Your children learn from what they see, so get out before they think abuse is a good thing because Mom lets it happen.
2006-10-11 03:27:00 · answer #10 · answered by mnwomen 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋