If my husbands daughter has her 13 year old mind set on getting me out of the picuture what can I do?

Question

She is very jealous and does not want us to talk or do anything without her being involved. We can't even have sex when she is home because she always seems to become ill and need his attention. Not to mention whether the door is locked or not she will continue to knock until we let her in. I don't always know when she is crying wolf or when she is really sick anymore. I did find an empty bottle of milk of magnesia after she complained of stomach cramps. I feel like I'm causing the problem because I'm the grown up but sometimes I'd like to be the one cuddled up to my husband while we are watching a movie or maybe the first one he kisses when he arrives home. She is much worse after her weekends with her mom. She goes there every other weekend and comes back with the attitude that she hates me. She even told me if her dad was not going to be with her mom then she wanted him all to herself. It use to be easy to run off his girlfriends but then he messed around and fell in love with one.

Answer 1

Future of 13 year girl is more important than yours, help her to get help from her, involve her in some household jobs, do her homework.

Answer 2

I say put that "pre-teen" in her place. I go through the same damn thing. She going to her mother's place and her mother's putting stuff in her head about you and how you will sabotage what they "have" (or thought she had). Women hate to see their men move on and be happy because they feel no woman will ever take their place (the child's mother thinks this way). As for the girl, she's not a damn baby so I would play hard ball with her. If she doesn't like it she can go stay with her mother! Let's be real here she's not too young to understand the situation, so I would have a firm talk with her alone and if she tells her father oh well, because I am sure you have warned him about her carrying on. I would tell her some things she wouldn't want to hear like "you can make it easy, or I can make your life hell here". See the thing is these monster "step children" like to think that they can dominate you and take your kindness for weakness, NOT! I told my step son I married your father not you and he's 18, I also told him the next time he gets smart with me while he's straddling the fence of trying to be an adult and a child I will handle him like I would do another adult who crossed me. I also let him know I only respect him on the strength that I am in a relationship with his father but I also told him I don't give a rat @$$ about him and don't ask me for a damn thing. Now he's walking around on egg shells! He said your not family I will be here, I told him that I may not be "his family" but I am his fathers family and more woman than that "*****" he calls a mother! (Sorry I got a little heated and vented)! Good luck, don't let her wear you thin and strain your relationship, you owe her nothing, you deserve to be happy and either she can join in or step aside!

Answer 3

Sweetheart, You have your hands full as you all ready know. From experience I`ll tell you one way to approach this that has proven to be successful in the past. But each family situation obviously has differing parameters and issues. But as long as the sense of competing is present then thats all you`ll ever see from her. Try turning this around, regain the cookie if you will. Approach this child from the angle of a personal interest and attempt to develope a one on one bond of sorts. This a very hard thing at times and very time consuming. She has not seen alot of stability with her mother and father apparently and she is feeling very territorial and protective. Establish a friendship slowly, and ever so slowly win her heart as a friend, assure her daily that you will be there for her not as a maid but as a friend to be respected and available for advise. Let her know your intentionsn were to never replace her mother, that could never be done.. Lavish her with positive input so that eventually all the garbage her mother is saying will begin to sicken her because she will see first hand that you are not a witch but rather a trusted person who has her best interest at heart. As you begin to win her over the competion over the dad/husband will diminsh considerably and there will be less tension in the home.
Good Luck my dear, and God`s Speed to you all.
Hugs,
Jim

Answer 4

She seems like a typical teenager and I'm sure it will get better as she grows and matures.

Have you considered family therapy? Some sessions she would go alone, others with just her dad and even sometimes with you - and maybe even once in a while with her mother. She needs a way to express her fears, anger, concern, etc.. to a neutral person then build the confidence and the needed skills to be able to express herself it to each of you - rather than acting out.

Also, perhaps if you and her mother work on your relationship, she may not feel as threatened or feel as if she needs to defend her mothers place in her life.

Im sure there is a lot more going on in her head other than her just wanted her daddy all to herself.

Answer 5

Start with the father. Let him know what she has said and bring to light the little details that he may have overlooked...like the way she is always ill right when the two of you are becoming intimate. Express to him that she needs to learn respect for adults privacy and that when the door is locked and closed- there is a reason for it -and unless she is dying, she can wait until it is opened and the next time she continues to knock on the door like a spoiled little brat- discipline her for acting like a baby. If she doesn't need to be rushed to the ER, She can wait - and if she hurts herself...overnight in a padded room might fix her little red wagon. She's not in diapers and there is no reason for her to act that way. Consider the fact that her mother is filling her with venom on the week-ends they spend together. If your husband has any respect for you and the bond the two of you have made with each other- it is up to him to put his ex-wife and his child into their place. It takes two opposing forces to have a conflict and as long as you are acting like an adult, that child will need to be disciplined and is old enough to be held accountable for her actions. Keep in mind that her father is the one that should be taking care of this issue. He asked you to marry him and to be part of his life and he needs to get through to his offspring that like it or not- You are there to stay.

Answer 6

Where is your husband in all of this? You don't mention him at all. This is his daughter, therefore his problem to solve. It sounds like the responsibility for keeping this teenage drama queen happy has quietly shifted to you.
Have a talk with your husband, and then the two of you have a talk with his daughter. He needs to tell her the ground rules: i.e. she is not allowed to disrespect her father's wife (as much as she would like you out of his life, she has to accept that you are in it), she is not allowed to interfere with your private time, etc. etc. etc.
As long as you and your husband present a united front in this, she will get the picture. On the other hand however, if your husband is unwilling to stand by you and teach his daughter some basic manners, you might have to cut your losses and move on, as this is a battle you won't win on your own.

Answer 7

What would you want to have sex with the guy with his 13 year old around anyway?? But anyway, it sounds like this young one is becoming a master manipulator, and her dad can't see it because he is the dad...It's normal for her to feel threatened by you, she must share her dad's affection with another woman, and she probably blames you for not having her mom around, BUT if this relationship with her dad and you is going to work, he needs to see the manipulation going on, and not let his 13 year old dictate the outcome of this relationship.

Answer 8

You need to talk with your husband about this issue so that he realizes what is going on. Tell him how it makes you feel, that's if he doesn't already know. Communicating is the best policy to meet issues that arise. Talk to him alone without the 13 year old present as it is better she doesn't listen what you have to say, because if she does she could play on your discussion.

Answer 9

daddy needs to have a talk with his little girl. let her know that she is , and always will be, daddy's little girl.

now, with that being said, dad needs to lay down some ground rules for his house. and lay them down hard and fast, stick to consequences, and love his baby.

you need to stop doing ANYTHING for her. let her do it herself. if she needs a ride somewhere and it's your weekend and dad's at work - she needs to find some other way of getting there other than you. if she just started her period and needs tampons, she needs to come up with some cash and a ride to the store. she doesn't need any of yours. she can get her own.
if she wants you out of her life, let her know what life without you would be like. dad needs in on this too. he needs to let her know that you are his wife.
he chose you.
he got stuck with her.

Answer 10

If he is "in love" with you this becomes easier. You and he become a united front, set conditions and consequences, just as though you were the natural parent. If he doesn't want to do this, she wins, get out.