I want my wife back....?

Question

Ok.... So I wasn't the perfect husband, but I did what I thought I needed to do. I got so wrapped up in what I thought she wanted (the house, the car, etc.) that I totally ignored her for years because I was working so much to try and pay for everything. We've both done some very hurtful and hateful things in the course of our divorce proceedings. We actually sat down and talked for 7 hours a couple of weeks ago and have had a couple of good two hour conversations since. We're getting along and I thought I didn't love her anymore, but the more we get along, the more I miss her! She says there will never be a chance of reconciliation, but I think she's just got her guard up after so many years of pain.... Am I way off track? Is there anything I can do?

Answer 1

Erich:
You have come here for answers, and I am going to give it to you straight: Drop the bullshit! You have to get real with yourself if you are going to win your precious bride back. Many, many women have heard the argument of "I did it all for you" when in fact this behavior is often fueled by a fear of intimacy. Her heart knows that until you realize this truth, the same behavior will repeat itself, as surely as the sun rises.

Show her that you are capable of growth and self-examination. Get help from a qualified counselor to help you face the scary monsters in your closet. I promise you that if you purpose to grow as a nurturing man, your woman will sense it and be drawn to you.

I am going through a growth cycle now (read my blog if you like)
You must move heaven and earth to win back her heart. To do less could give you a lifetime of regret.

Never underestimate the power of love!

Answer 2

well,,the way i see it is you have to spill your guts here,,why would she even try to return to what the two of you had,,you have to tell her that the house,the bills,the working,,were not what you really wanted at the time,,that you got complacent with your relationship and didnt stop to think of her and what she wanted,,,any money she had plans too but what plans can be made with a workoholic who prefers that to a family,,you gave up rather than get hurt telling the truth and now that hurt has happened anyway . have a good feel around your head and heart because it is only talking from there that will make her believe you now actually do want all that,,you cant go back you can only move forward,,you need to let her know she can state exactly what she wants from you BUT if both your plans for the future dont match you must say,,neither you or her have anymore to lose by speaking from the heart,,many men feel exposed by getting down and dirty with their feelings but as you have now found out,,,doing it may have helped before all this happened,,take a leap,,tell her what you neglected,,how you want to put it right,,how she deserves what you want to give and more,,you can only come across as truthful and secure with your wishes if you really mean them,,forget the chocs and flowers,forget the notes,forget the drinks out,,they mean nothing,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,say what you have to and if you are scared that is good,it means you are about to do something very close to your emotional barrier and once you have broken it with a person there is little after you cannot tell them,,i wish you and your ex luck.

Answer 3

Sweetie, I'm sorry to hear about this. I commend you for stepping up and saying you were wrong, you messed up and what not. Most men would never say that. I'm sure she had her faults too. It is good that you are communicating. Have you told her how you feel? I'm assuming so. I'm also assuming you ahve told her you were wrong. She does have her gaurd up. But I do think there is a chance for you two to get over this. It's not a rare thing for couples to divorce and re-marry. I would also be surprised if she didn't have love for you too. She misses you too. I suggest to keep talking. Maybe even go to therapy together (most people don't like that idea but it helps). Let time heal the wounds and keep her as a close friend. Don't beg! But stay close. Good luck, my friend!

Answer 4

My dad used to say "When poverty enters the front door, love runs out the back door" I never believed him, still don´t. U want her back so u will have 2 work very hard on it. Never neglect to say how beautiful she is, or how u like her new dress, don´t fore get to notice her hair, perfume, etc. Make her feel like a queen, open doors, take the tea tray from her, make the coffee for her help to wash the tea cups etc.

Men may think this a load of bull but as we grow older we like to
feel appreciated, loved, beautiful and sexy. (middle age crisis's causes a lot of heart ache and starts off at about 40 or when the kids grew up and we have more time to see our self's as old and ugly. Then we need lots of attention and love.)

If u really love her I am sure u will be willing give a 100% even if u receive only 50. Its worth it!! BEST OF LUCK

Answer 5

I agree wholeheartedly with "the heart doctor".

When a woman is hurt emotionally she puts a brick around her heart, to guard it. After so many hurts her heart is now behind a solid brick wall (at least where you are concerned).

But where there is love there is always hope. Each one of those bricks, piece by piece, can be taken down until she feels tenderly towards you once again. But this process can take some time. Until you deal with your own intimacy issues, her heart will only peek at you over the brickwall, which is a natural defense mechanism for a wounded heart.

Answer 6

I am pretty much in the same boat as you. We have not divorced yet, but that is coming. My wife refuses to seek counseling for herself ,has issues with her dads premature and sudden death and blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life. She refuses to see that she created a very negative effect from cheating with a coworker and keeping in touch with him supposedly after the affair was over. I would do anything to get her back, I still love her. A person can't do anything about things like you and I are going thru by ourselves unless your spouse has a desire to want to put their effort into too. I have sought out counseling for myself as I have become more and more depressed over the years from all the uncertainty she created and have to get myself together so I can see if she is really worth the effort. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

You are going to have to "woo" her back into your arms. You have to start from square one. She probably does have her guard up because of how things went in the past. We women have a way of hanging onto stuff like this. Just be sure to remember what you did to screw it up and just do the opposite. Maybe someday she will see that you are sincere and fall back in love with you too! Good luck!

Answer 8

Look man, I feel your pain, but I luckily have finally found someone that understands that I'm out there trying ot make **** happen and that means I'm working a lot of the time. She understands.

If she says it's over,t ake ti that way and move on. Be the MAN.

Not like :YOU DA MAN DOG, but a MAN. Let her come back to you if she wants, and if you happen to have fooled around a bit, god for you.

Be the flower not the bee.

Answer 9

If you are just now having great conversations maybe it is because she is now happy. You need to talk to her about this and see how she feels. good luck.

Answer 10

You're a little bit too late, but if you want her that bad, try really really hard.
And remember that you know her better than any one and you should know how to approach her. If you still do not know how to approach her, then it will just fail again.