Need Some Advice!! Regarding Hubby?

Question

I recently got married in July 2006. I have lived with my husband for 2 1/2 years. We are both in our late 30's. I have two children (17 and 15) and he has one (9). My question is this, his first wife died 7 years ago and her name is still on most of the bills, etc. My name is not on the deed to the house any important insurance papers etc. I have just recently found this out after we switched all of our accounts and monies. I have told him how this makes me feel and he simply says "I have not had a chance to change it" Is this a lame excuse or what. I did not know his first wife but from what I hear she was the love of his life. I don't feel that I should be reminded of this everyday. I am good to him and to his child. The family as a whole gets along very well. I just don't feel like I am special and that he is not willing to let go of the past, am I right? What do I do? Thank you any help.

I need to add that we have been together for 4 years. I will not leave or divorce him. I have also told him on two seperate occassions that this needs to be changed. Last night I took off my wedding rings and will not put them back on until things are changed. I told him that he can not have us both. Still the same excuse. Also, we are very much involved with her father (he is elderly and I make sure that my step-daughter visits with him and do alot for him as his own family ignores him). I just don't want the rest of her family shoved down my throat and constantly reminding me that they were very happy before she died. Makes me feel like our relationship is less than what it is. Does anyone understand that or am I being foolish?

Thank you for all the great answers so far. As being romantic and doing more for him. I do everything except for wipe his butt!! He is terrific to my children and for that I am eternally grateful to him. Romance...we try to get away together at least every 6 months just the two of us. We just went on our "honeymoon" 2 weeks ago. I bring him coffee every morning to him while he is in bed, make his daughter's breakfast and lunch, make his lunch, cook his dinner. The only thing he does when he gets home from work is to get himself to the table. I do love him very much but I deserve to feel the love in return and not have to compete with a ghost. Thank you

Aunt Beea, we have not been married for 2 1/2 years. Yes I agree with you about the house, but we just refinanced this house and did debt consolidation right before we got married to lower our bills. I would not want this house if something happened to him and told him so. Even asked him to sell this one and find a new one for the both of us. Will not sell this house as it is the only home his daugther has known.

Answer 1

It sounds like your husband is truly not excepting the fact that he needs to move on with his life. For one thing he should not have gotten involved with you if he was not ready to except his wife's death. And when he did get involved with you he should have found another house just for the two of you and the children. So that you guys will have happy memories to remember of your own. He should not expect you to stay in the home where him & his late wife lived together and raised their daughter. That is totally selfish on his part. Not only to you but also to his daughter. He is using her as an excuse for not leaving. But that is not the truth at all. I don't think that his daughter really wants to stay in the home where she has wonderful & beautiful memories when she knows that her mother was there with her and her father. And now she has a new family that she can enjoy and have wonderful memories with. He should allow her to keep the memories that she has of her mom & him together, to just stay in that home, and let her new memories with you,him,& your children be in a home that is all of yours not the home that was once shared with his late wife.
I"m sorry I hope that I'm not being offencive to you in anyway.
Good Luck!

Answer 2

This is a very complex question. I think you need to give him more time. Marriage can be very difficult in the first year. For you, there is an added wrench in the mix. I think the pressure you are giving him is unfair. You cannot erase the memory of his first wife, nor should you try to compete with her. Your marriage will be unique and special, and you should not worry about his deceased wife. You should also remember that he has a daughter who would probably would like to keep her mother's memory alive. He is just trying to find a balance. Be patient.

Answer 3

It's not a matter of the past..although I wouldnt be too happy about that either....its a matter of legalities. What if he died tomorrow? You would have a heck of a time sorting this out. Make sure he changes it and go with him. Dont be like millions of women and leave it to your husband and when you need to know you dont know squat. You both need to make a new will also. He is entitled to his feelings about his first wife but not at your expense or the childrens. He loved her...but we love a lot of people in our lives so dont be jealous of someone who cant bother you now. It would even be lovely for his kids especially if you had a picture of her somewhere. But he does need to change the paperwork as soon as possible.

Answer 4

I think refusing to wear your wedding rings because of this is childish. Rings or not, you're still married to him. If you want things changed, gather up everything that needs to be changed and when you both have a day off, hop in the car and go to each place and get the stuff changed. It could very well be he hasn't had time to do it and it's not really a priority to him because he's a guy and he doesn't see it as a big deal.....

Answer 5

I think the best way is to talk to him and let him know that he needs to let go of the past. The past is the past ... leave it there and move on. If he's telling you that he hasn't had the chance, then make a day on his day off to go to the bank or where ever else you guys need to go to make the changes to have his first wife's name removed. I remember when I got married, I took the initiative to go to the bank with my husband to have my name added to the account. I think the main thing is to take the initiative if you really feel that he is not doing anything about it. Communication is always the key. Goodluck.

Answer 6

His wife dying was an unpleasant affair. He wants to remember her with fond memories. I am sure he wants to do right by you. Making these changes are not going to be easy for him but needs to be done. Why not prioritize them and help him do the right thing, one at a time.
Do try and be understanding.

Ten weeks after being married you want him to put the past behind him so you can feel more special than his wife of ten years? You are wrong in your feelings but right in what needs to happen.

Answer 7

Well, I can understand your frustration. Try communicating that it makes you feel unloved, or uncherished. Don't express angry jealousy about the first wife, because if he is a widower, he will resent your venom about her. Offer to do some of the footwork of changing the stuff yourself. It's not hard to contact utility companies and the like. the 'not having had the chance to change it' is not a ditch in my opinion, just procrastination, which a lot of people are famous for. Don't be angry, I'm willing to bet he loves you. Try to communicate, offer to help, and see what happens.

Answer 8

OK, U R RIGHT TO FEEL THAT WAY. BUT IT'S U THAT HE MARRIED! NOW UR A TEAM! U SHOULD DEAL WITH UR PROBLEMS TOGETHER. TALK TO HIM WHEN U BOTH R RELAXED, FOR EXAMPLE, ON A ROMANTIC DINNER JUST FOR THE TWO OF U. TELL HIM HOW U FEEL, THAT'S THE BEST U CAN DO AND I'M SURE HE WILL DO WHAT IT TAKES. AFTER ALL, IF HE CARES ABOUT U, HE WOULDN'T WANT U TO BE HURT. COMUNNICATION IS THE KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP!

Answer 9

sounds to me like you both need to do some life planning....Do either of you have a Pour Over Will with a Trust provision? How about your Medical and Durable Power of Attorney's? LIVING WILL????? Both of you have not even thought of something catastrophic happening to either one of you.

You husband should Quit claim the Deed to the house by adding HIS childs name on it. Life insurances should be left for the his child as beneficiary with a trustee to over see and execute ....(this is where the Pour over will and Trust come in).

You've only been married to this man 2 1/2 years. You have no right to his home or his life insurance. His child born from the previous marriage is rightfully the beneficiary.

Now...on the other hand....He sells this home and you and he purchase a HOME together....then your name should be on the DEED. You and your new spouse should give some real serious thought about your futures....

I work in a law firm and see trategies happen to families that are in your situation every day......NO WILL...NO pour over WILL....NO TRUST....and $1000's spent in PROBATE court for legal fees...with family coming out of the woodwork like termites arguing of whom should get what.....They weren't prepared!!!

Get yourself some legal advice BOTH of you and do it today!

Answer 10

Do not underestimate how much they need you, newlyweds usually contend with one another for twelve months before maturing the relationship. Give them much more latitude and understanding. Men are notorious for not attending to the details you mention, nor do they have assuring attitudes at times. I aught to know because I am a man and acted similarly. I could have been more attentive and assuring. Your marriage is what you make it, do not focus on the negatives because it will destroy your marriage. Be patient.