I need help... (My significant other was raped.)?

Question

While I was on "vacation" with the girl that I loved she told me that she was raped once by a guy within the year. I had a huge fit. I flipped. Rape has always effected me more than anything else. It hits a button that sends me through an endless rage. I thought that was bad enough. But later on I stumbled upon a writing that stated that it was not once. It was in fact an ongoing thing. She was in a relationship with someone for two years and during that period of time she was raped 10 times through-out it and forced into oral and anal. I found this out and I snapped even worse. Weeks later and I'm still randomly ambushed by images in my head of it happening. I don't know how to deal with it. I feel often like I'm about to lash out, an overwhelming urge to pound relentlessly on something. This one man ruined what I thought was a mutual first time and he has permanently emotionally scarred her, I don't know how to help her, I'm filled with grief and anger. I don't know what to do.

Note: She never brought this to the police. She said she couldn't. After it happend she froze up and since there's not enough evidence to build a case she has not brought it to the authorities.

Answer 1

You both need counseling...quickly. As a rape victim myself, I know how it can get if you let it all build up. Please go seek help. If you continue to get angry, you'll not only do yourself harm, but will actually "rape" her again with your anger (forgive me, there was no easy way to put that). Councilors are so much better now. 25 years ago I was told it didn't happen, that I imagined it. Please go get some help -- for both your sakes. Blessings.

Answer 2

Corey, have these rapes been reported? If not they should be. Now you need to look into where this anger is coming from. Is it the fact that at the time you were unable to protect her? Is it the fact that (maybe) it was never reported and he has not been punished for the crime?
Also, you have to remember, if it is this hard for you just think what she is going through. The fact that she actually told you is a big plus in your favor. Most women are scared sh**less to tell anyone because they feel that they are now "damaged goods" Corey just because she and you did not technically have a "mutual first time" there is always a first time in a relationship and each time this first time should hold a special place in your heart and soul, above all though she is definitely not 'damaged goods' so do NOT think that. This girl trusted you enough to tell you about her horrible past don't ruin this trust. Her past is her past and it will stay there.. but it does affect you today because it has made her into what you grew to love.

Answer 3

If this is a problem that you both really want to get through, I think your best bet would to go talk to a psychiatrist or a counselor or some sort. They will help you get past the issue without stumbling over the same topics. Really the only thing you can do is move forward, you can't time travel and change the past.

Answer 4

I just want to emphasis on what has already been said. Your anger is probably hurting her and you both need counselling to deal with this.

I fully understand that she never reported it; I never reported what had happened to me either. But now you are the one that she trusts and turn to for support. Anger is hard to deal with any time and you being angry about something that is a trauma to her will not help her one bit. Now she also has to worry about what you'll do, if you'll go looking for the guy, if you can handle being with her and so on. She doesn't need that. My ex ended up beating up a stranger because he "looked at me" in what my ex thought to be "that way". I didn't need that and he's long gone by now. Counselling would have been a good thing for the both of us. Sad to say neither of us went.

Edit to add;
By knowing about it, it's now your trauma too in a way. (Trauma by proxy?) You don't have to be the strong one, you don't have to be the one to "fix it" for her. It's OK to feel bad and react. But, pretty please get help for the both of you. Rape really messes with your mind and your relationship and you both deserve better than that.

Answer 5

I think it's important that you both get counseling. Don't be afraid of seeking help. Not only do both of you need to heal, but there are other things to consider. This is not a small thing, especially affter knowing that she stayed in that toxic relationship for two years. It's evident that there are some issues that she needs to take care of. If you're planning on keeping this relationship long-term, those issues will continue to haunt you if you don't take care of them right now. Look for an expert, you won't regret investing in your emotional health, which ultimately controls a lot fo what happens in your life.

Answer 6

I'm afraid getting angry is the worst thing you could have done. She needs counselling and help, the Rape Abuse Incest National Network 1.800.656.HOPE http://www.rainn.org/ can help. She needs to see a theripist to find out why she tolerated the situation so long. You need therapy to help you cope. One thing you can do is be available at any time of the day or night for when she wants to talk and to break things in private where she can't see. It is her decision to prosecute the offender so don't pressure her if she chooses not to.

Answer 7

You the two prefer help (that isn't in any respect propose, I propose it, you ought to hunt for help). There are help communities for rape sufferers, and for those that've had a chum be the sufferer of a violent crime. those communities could be an staggering source for you the two. examine your telephone e book for help communities, or ask a psychological wellness professional for any counsel they could have for help communities on your area. Your suited guess, i think of, could be to call your interior sight disaster center. very practically all average to important cities have one, and that's often by them that folk connect with help communities. Plus, they could have a great sort of adventure. another selection is to ascertain if there's a sufferers centers on your precinct. i comprehend that's confusing, yet ascertain you at the instant are not projecting all that anger in a fashion she will see. usually, rape sufferers harbor guilt. the shown fact that she became in a dating, and that it saved happening, ought to propose that she could have guilt over having stayed in the area. Your anger is comprehensible, yet you ought to verify you're helping her thoroughly and unconditionally. If she sees you bypass into finished anger, letting it replace you, or in case you communicate approximately it always, in a fashion, she's being raped lower back. As indignant as you're, she's the extra susceptible of the two (i comprehend you comprehend that), and he or she desires your love and help extra desirable than she desires you to be indignant on her behalf. it extremely is extremely helpful to contemplate counseling. that's nerve-racking not in basic terms for her, yet for you. With anger and the helplessness of not having the ability to do something approximately what occurred, a professional could have the potential that may assist you over the brink of grief.

Answer 8

The most important thing to remember, is that it was HER who was raped; - it is HEr who is the victim.

your feelings are normal and understandable.

What can you do? - Be there for her. Listen to her, reassure her, try to understand. Be strong, but don't push. She needs you and she obviously trusts you; - this is shown by the fact that she has told you these things. Don't let this spoil your relationship. You can do this! - She needs you to calmly and gently guide her through this.

You are obviously an intelligent, sensitive guy. She needs your help.

Don't let her and yourself down!

Good luck

Answer 9

Dang..that's awful. I am so sorry that has happened to her and to you. The best thing you could probably do is listen without anger. It is hard to talk to someone when they r angry and even if it is not directed at them. Life can be so difficult. Maybe suggest counseling for the both of ya'll.

Answer 10

Good question and wheres the person now can she get you more how shock up to believe you care yet wish a fantastic life with her but for you not to go farther than cuddle and set time to make a family?