He got back 2 weeks ago and ever since then he is always arguing with me about everything, shows me no attention, and the days I work he stays home. When I have the day off he leaves and spends the day with his friends. My biggest issue is that he always used to be about sex, now i don't feel like he is attracted to me in the slightest.I try and try but he keeps pushing me away. I don't know how much longer I can deal with it. He's always trying to be so secretive about everything he does. Is this all normal?
2006-10-10 17:05:27 · 10 answers · asked by jessykah757 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am a military spouse, and my BIL served over a year in Iraq, so I'm familiar with your situation.
Firstly, don't let thoughts of "cheating" or "he doesn't love you" cross your mind. You have to understand that he has been through an amazing ordeal. He has been in survival/war mode for a matter of months or more (you didn't mention how long he's be gone). It is difficult for them to acclamate to being home.
Also, he might not be ready to talk about what happened there. Don't push him for answers, but be supportive for when the time comes for him to talk. Also, at the same time, let him know how you're feeling. Again, don't beat him up over it, but explain that you want to support him and you feel very shut out and want to know what you can do to help.
My BIL came home over a year and a half ago, and it seemed like everything was "ok". Not true. We noticed he started drinking and partying much more. He's just now opened up that he lost 12 friends over there. We knew his convoy had come under fire and he had witnessed one death, but we had no idea of this. He's finally admitted he needs help. Your husband probably has bad memories that he doesn't know how to make sense of.
Your base will have programs to help him if he needs to talk. These programs are free and confidential. They are not going to affect his service record at all. It might help if you offer to go into counselling with him...just to talk and discover what is really going on. Call your Family Advocacy or Clinic.
If you aren't active duty and he was a reservist, call you nearest VA facility. They can put you in touch with people who understand the situation more.
2006-10-11 05:47:02 · answer #1 · answered by Sativa 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is frustrating, upsetting and yet very normal. While he was over there he saw things that no one should ever have to see, he went to bed at night wondering if he would make it through another day alive and thanking God that he saw another sunset. When my brother came home he was the same as you describe and my sil was about ready to give up. It took a couple of months for him to really start to come back to life here and when he did he opened up. For months your husband has had to deal with life alone you weren't there and now he has to readjust to his old life. Give him some time and just tell him that you love him and will listen if he wants to talk.
2006-10-10 17:29:05 · answer #2 · answered by Martha S 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From what I've seen on the news, the soldiers really had it and are having it hard over there. I'm sure that the things he saw and went through have changed him a bit.
He is probably unwinding, unravelling; as far as readjusting to life, and not having to constantly be on guard in a hostile foreign land. Be patient with him.
The best gift you can give him is understanding, and love. He'll come around. He is probably trying to adjust. He's home now.....
think of all the people he knew directly or indirectly that didn't get that priviledge. Think of the ones who came home in a box.
Give him time......he'll come around. He is probably just kind of shell shocked still.
2006-10-10 17:13:12 · answer #3 · answered by lilac b 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i personally don't know,but a friend of mine just got back also and his wife is also a friend she called me talking to me about the same thing .i do believe it changes them ,he is not the same person he was before he left,he done her the same way.its been a year now and he has gotten some better but still isn't the same person.....she is trying to be supportive and be there for him..i think time will take care of everything..i am so sry you are going through this and i wish you the best of luck with your hubby.my hubby is also in the army but hasn't been called to the sands yet and i hope and pray he doesn't have too.i thank your hubby for serving our country..good luck
2006-10-10 17:22:48 · answer #4 · answered by JENNIFER D 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Could it be that he is cheating on you? I mean I would've thought that all army men coming from Iraq or wherever they are stationed come very stress, I mean being there must be VERY nerve breaking, and I am sure that's why they are sent to this counseling sessions to make the transition easy, but for what I've heard they come ready to have sex and be with you and his family, so I could not tell you for sure if that is normal or not. Keep being patient, he definitely needs you, and try to talk to him, tell him about how you feel, how much do you need him, he needs to know how you feel too, is not easy being an army wife. Good Luck and God Bless you and your family!
2006-10-10 17:16:48 · answer #5 · answered by fun 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
he's still acting as if he's on duty so give him time lots of it he needs it. usually they want sex as soon as they come but there is no telling what he went through over there so give it time. if a month passes and nothing happens or changes then give him a good talk. tell him he is back now and he needs to acknowledge your needs and attend to them as if he was in the army.
2006-10-10 17:12:17 · answer #6 · answered by sexylousleo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did you ever "test" you parents as a kid? You know, like test them to see how much they love you? I never realized I did it, it was subconscious...so I was told by a shrink later on.
Maybe because of what happened to him (things he saw, lack of team work, someone in his crew let him down big time, etc) he is subconsciously testing you to see how much he can count on you. He knows that you love him, but inside because of things that have happened he is trying to see how much.
Good luck. I am in the Air Force and I have yet to deploy. Just give him time and see what happens.
2006-10-10 17:56:29 · answer #7 · answered by ur a Dee Dee Dee 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hey!
i think thats pretty normal.he is just back two weeks.u only need to give him some time.
see,my husband is gone the 3rd time and he is coming back monday.
its normal for them just thinking about sex and stuff.
they need some time and u need to give him that time.
even if its hard
2006-10-10 17:22:31 · answer #8 · answered by mona 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yeah the stress part is- you have to give him time to come back to normal---routines are foreign to him and so is love and normalcy---if he still isnt acting right in a week i'd get some counseling for the both of you-----until then try to baby him back to speed-------------------------revert to *honeymoon tactics--watching movies videos together--intensify the time you both share------------give a lot of love
2006-10-10 17:25:43 · answer #9 · answered by darkangel1111 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you maybe able to talk to some one from the army to let them know what is going on he may need help a lot lot of them needed help
2006-10-10 17:54:27 · answer #10 · answered by freeman3905@sbcglobal.net 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋