what should i do????

Question

i am in a really bad realtionship with my boyfreind of 5 years now i have a babygirl with him and ever since we moved in togeather he treats me like **** everything i do isn't enough for him i am scared and confused about him and everytime i move out he calls and calls and i can't take it know more he's physco,controlling,verbally abusive and it's hurting me he tells me he does this so it can make me stronger which it's not it makes me feel really shitty about myself please this is only half of it i need advice.........

Answer 1

This Guy has really gotten into your head. He plays 'head games'. This is all about control. He is actually quite insecure and can only maintain his relationship by bullying. He is basically a coward and can not really manage on his own. That is why he has to manipulate you (and others) in this way. He is unable to maintain relationships by the power of his personality, or intellect.

You are important to him because he can feel ‘big and important’ by making you feel ‘weak and small’. He has made you the 'victim' but you have also inadvertently allowed this. He has got you to the stage where you have become emotionally and intellectually dependent upon him for your very identity and security.

Basically he is a **** but he has learned to present himself in a way that draws you in and holds you. He may be physically attractive, and / or physically strong, he will probably have some very nice points. He will probably remind you of someone you respect and love. He may abuse drugs and/or alcohol and this changes his personality (or releases his true personality) He will probably fill a gap in you that was created by a loss you have had, or some bit missing from you childhood, or adolescence.

You will probably keep forgiving him because he can be charming when you have sometimes started to suss him out (and he can't play the power thing for a bit). He may sometimes play pathetic and 'poor little boy' when he has lost his main battle with you. You forgive him and he reverts back to type. Believe me - you are a wonderful person and very forgiving. You could probably be a great help so someone who needs it but; He does not want this (yet). He likes what he has (and probably what he is). He may know nothing different and be unwilling to learn.

There is 'absolutely no way you' can change (or help him) from within the relationship. There is 'absolutely no way' you can help, or change him, if he does not have a basic desire to be helped, or changes. This is just a plain cold fact. I have never seen someone ‘cured’ from this position, ever. I don’t know anyone who has been willing to boast that they have.

He is using everything he has got, 'good and bad' aspects of himself, to manipulate you into dependency so that he can use you as he wishes. He is abusive and he will remain so for as long as you feel powerless (and he feels he can get what he wants this way). Any strengths and competence you had has been reduced to a small, hard core but it is all still there. You need to find it, nurture it, love it and then use it.

As a coward he will run away from anything that really challenges his security but it will take time for you to regain your emotional strength and build upon it. Get others involved. Let your friends and other people know what is going on. You are not alone in this.

Many of us have been there; Men, Women and children; Clever people, people with learning problems, police officers, social workers, nurses, doctors, factory workers, accountants, Dockers, footballers, housewives. I have and I am now all the better for it, that I survived without loosing myself in the process. I will make you stronger, but you will need help and lots of courage.

There is no profession, or other occupation, age, or sexual orientation that is exempt from this kind of abuse. Being fooled and manipulated in this way is nothing to be ashamed of. It is because you are basically a loving, caring, trusting person, looking for someone to love and be loved, that you have been trapped and abused in this way.

Don't be fooled into thinking that he is particularly cleaver. He has simple done all this before, gained experience and has clearly become quite skilful (like driving a car – it doesn’t take a great intellect) but; he doesn’t really understand how it all works. You are probably cleverer and socially more skilful than he is. That is part of what attracted him but the main attraction was you 'openness' to being manipulated because you trust what you see and what you are told. You are now insecure, that gives him the power.

Tell the police, if you are worried that he may hurt you. They can do very little without evidence but if you explain that your are being emotionally (and physically) bullied they 'should' understand. If you get a poor response, ask to speak to the ‘Victim Support Unit’. If he has, or ever does, physically assault you in any way, or physically and sexually abuse you (obviously, against your wishes) tell the police immediately. Write things down, dates places times, who you told, who saw it, etc.

Keep notes (in a safe place) of dates times and descriptions of what is happening, tell other people, if they don't listen, or don’t understand, tell someone else. Try and stay calm when you tell them. Try not to get too emotional. Don’t argue with them, just tell the facts and get it on record. You may need this in the future. Take good advice and compare it with that of others. If you find people who have been there and they are saying more-or-less the same thing then you can tend to trust it, but make it ‘your own’ advice in the end. ‘Own it’, as we say.

Don't argue with him (or any other abusive person) either, if you can help it, and don't goad him (her) with what you are doing, or with who you are telling. This is quite common and understandable. Arguing is part of the power game but you are always loosing it. That is because it is ‘his’ argument. He knows it well and you are just a novice. The fact that he is good at it is nothing for him (or you) to be proud of. Let him win the stupid arguments. You have to take the battle by deceit (sorry, that’s the safest way)

Keep all this information to yourself and only those people you can really trust and 'make sure this is more than just one person'.

If you get some support and help from another person (especially the opposite sex / or same orientation) make sure that someone else also knows of this support. Let your main support know this. If they care about you they will understand. If they are competent professional or voluntary counsellors they will have told you to do this, in spite of any professional registration. They will also respect this advice that I have given you (they don’t have to agree with it all though, they are still just learning like me  ). You are vulnerable and, sadly, it is still possible that you may turn to someone who abuses this trust. It has happened, even with counsellors and therapist.

Just be sure others know what you are doing. Look out for other people's agendas. 'Leave out' the bits they say with too much anger and take the bits that sound like just basic good advice. You are the most important person in solving this problem and you do have the skills to sort it out. You just need to regain the confidence to do it. In the end, what you do has to be your choice, you have to own it and feel it is all yours, something you have earned and deserve.

You see, others people in this situation are just the stepping stones to finding yourself and what you want. Life can get really good after this point, I promise you it may be months, it may be years, it depends how determined you are, but you will one day look back and appreciate what you have done. You will appreciate what you have learned from your experiences and your mistakes and realise who and what you are is a wonderful result of every ‘good and bad’ experience you ever had, plus a majical but that was you right from the beginning.

Once you have layed out this ground work, and got friends and support on side. Tell them all your intentions. Then, in your own way, tell him to go, put his things out, change the lock, whatever is you bag and whatever makes you feel safe. Have someone with you if you can, preferably someone of the same sex and orientation as you, and a really emotionally and physically strong person of the opposite sex (or orientation).

Dig you heals in, don't listen to him on the phone. Put it down. If he uses the child as an excuse say something like ‘we can arrange all that once you have got my life back together and he (she) is out of it’. Be fair though – if he genuinely loves and cares about his kids there are Contact Centres you/he can use. Tell him nothing will happen till 'you' have got what 'you' want. Stay very calm, even if you are falling apart inside.

Don't fall for the alternative ploys, that you have seen before and watch out for new ones. He 'will' have one or two in reserve. He may even 'get real' at this point, realising that he has really screwed up and is loosing all the most important thing he ever had (miracles do happen). Don't stop. He will revert to type, he can’t help it. He is weaker than you and doesn't know any other way.

Some months down the line, when you feel really good with yourself, and he has had therapy, been through prison, and / or he has won and lost one, or two, other relationships, he may just begin to understand that he has a problem and has screwed up badly. You may then feel he deserves another chance. It happens, that’s the person you are. Be very careful and remain in control of your life and think consider and discuss this thoroughly and make some clear rules for yourself and stick with them.

It is sadly more likely that you will find yourself back in the same situation. You and your child are in a 'dangerous' situation. Make no mistakes. I have been there myself and I have worked with people who have been there and survived. I have been there and work with people who had subsequent breakdowns and survived. I have worked with the kids (when they are grown up) and they have survived. Sadly I have not been there when some of them, who have missed the chance to get help and subsequently some of these will have died.

Your child is at risk also. This person is clearly aggressive and I know he has beaten up on you and sexually assaulted you. It is sadly too often the case that kids get abused in this situation and the social services will do what is best for the kids and this sometimes means removing them from their mums, if they are in 'dangerous' relationships. Look after yourself and your kid.

Kids grow up and learn from their mums and if their mums (or their dads for that matter!) are 'victims' of abuse, they often become victims themselves. I know from the little you have written, the bit you have 'suggested' and by what you have not said, that this really does worry you. YOU ARE RIGHT TO BE WORRIED! You can stop this happening so easily right now.

You are not alone. There are even local groups and national organisations you can turn to. Yahoo is yet another channel. Recognise, for this one moment and for the next few days only; 'that you are a victim of abuse’, however much you may think you may be, however much you may know you are, and no matter how much you have ‘convinced’ yourself, that you are part of this, you are, non-the-less, ‘at this moment in time’ a victim.

Once you have told friends, counsellors, police, parent, and whoever else you have for support. Make the stand that you will be a victim no more. Don’t continue to call yourself one, ask others not to call you one but most of all, learn not to be one. Get help and support now and ‘don’t look back’ till you feel good about yourself.

Get back to me if you want further advice and do a search on Yahoo, Google, yellow pages, Local library, CAB, AA, and any appropriate help lines. Social services will help if your child is at risk, or if you are at risk and this is affecting your child. Be brave and make a stand – with support.

Terry

Answer 2

I was in a similar relationship, and lilke you I had children. Yet I continued to tolerate it for a further 12 years. Please get out of your bad relationship now! I had a good friend who convinced me to get a divorce. It was the best thing I ever did! I only wish that I had got out of it sooner, as it did not do my children any good at all. Please think of your baby. You can phone the police if he hassles you. They will listen and be understanding. Once you have told the police, they log your complaint and they issue you with an incident number. Any further hassles from him, you phone the police again and give your incident number. After he has hassled you a third time, they will warn him under the harrassment act to leave you alone. Please believe me you must finish this seriously bad relationship. This man is trying to control you and it will damage your self-esteem; it will only get worse. Take it from me who has been there. It is hard at first, but you will cope. Things will improve and then you can go on to a better life for you and your baby. You will meet someone else who will give you the love, care and respect that you deserve. I have met someone else and I have never looked back. Take care. Let me know how you get on. x

Answer 3

Its him that should be feeling shity not U, You are an abused woman. There is no love or trust there. He is using you. If he is that bad next time call the police. Leave him go far away where he cant find you. Dont be tempted to call him. He must be very persuasive at times. Probably you think you love him. Think it may be your child he starts abusing,yelling and screaming at and making it life misserable. Whats happening NOW will afect your child all its life.It wont be easy to leave him> Do it you will find someone else who inspires you and loves you. Be strong. He is weak and a coward. He needs proffesioal help> You dont need him. You deserve better. Dont submit yourself to his abuse.
Personaly Id get the whip to him. BUT thats me.Im a dominant woman>He is not worth being afraid of. Dont submit yourself and your child anylonger

Answer 4

BIN.And yes,it is easy,even with kiddy's in tow,so go as far away as possible-this situation will not get any better and you will eventually end up going down to the depths of despair,taking your little one with you...is that what you want?No-didn't think so,so get away from this cretin for you and your baby's safety and sanity.He is a control freak,please remember though that control freaks aren't able to control everything-you can easily turn this to your advantage.I wish you and your baby much luck,and happiness for the future:-)

Answer 5

i think you no the ansew to that question... it dont matter about 5 yrs or 50 yrs my mum left my dad after 35 yrs of marriage and she regrets not doing it sooner?? you see it might be strees of the baby and finally living together it makes men funny.. But talk to him i suggest a nice candle meal, get ur baby out for the night and sit and talk like adults no shouting and ask him what u want to know. if all fails think about leaving him and do it.

Answer 6

It might be hard to walk away from a relationship that lasted five years, but for the sake of your baby and your own self esteem, you need to get out. You are a wonderful person and deserve so much better!

Answer 7

i think you need to make a wise and good decision for yourself.
i would run like hell !!!!!!!! if i were you.
this sounds like abusive and damaging behaviour / emotional abuse, get professional help and supportive help/ guidance from friends and family. dont take this sort of crap it can ruin your health, life and future. you dont deserve this and your baby girl should not be brought up in an environment like this. i say leave him, run like hell !!! and dont look back. ( dont tell him when u r leaving cuz this sounds bad. go to family or friends so they can help you put your head back together.) i hope things get better for you.

Answer 8

I would get out as fast as i can . He is not doing it to make you stronger he is doing it to be in control of you and it usually gets progesivly worse. I dont think you need that or want your child to see it.Its called abuse.

Answer 9

Give him a warning that if he continues to treat you like this you are leaving! If he continues leave him there are plenty more guys out there & ones that will treat you well. All the best & good luck!

Answer 10

first of all he should try putting his hands on a man, 2nd looks like you need to leave and find a man, that will treat you like a women and not a punching bag, get out dont look back , be safe and carefull if your not their to take of the baby you think he will, goodluck

Answer 11

Leave. Go far away. try not to get involved with scum like this again. Get counselling and Shelter from social services or appropriate charities. Just LEAVE the B - - - - - D NOW!