Do men feel the same type of pain and loss after cheating in a long term relationship?

Question

The love of my life left me for a younger woman. My heart is broken, happened about 3 and a half months ago. I go through a lot of pain and torment especially since he moved right in with her. And never said a word to me about anything... just left me abandoned.. The loss of him in my life is sometimes unbearable. Especially at night when I am alone. I miss him terribly.. Do the men that leave you go through the same type of feelings and loss that the woman he left does???? I am asking this because he emails me to make sure I have what I need materially.

Answer 1

I feel for you. You have been through a lot. I would have the utmost respect for you when you decide to not let this destroy you.

Your husband obviously feels some remorse, and some responsibility for you. The thing is, he demonstrated his lack of integrity and lack of loyalty to you and your marriage. He gave up any rights, respect, or consideration he may have deserved at ont point. Let him stew in his own juices....

Over time, people get too self-absorbed and forget to actively fulfill their partners. They make it all about themselves and what they need, with total disregard to what their partner needs. They assume that their mere presence fulfills their partner.

Guys sometimes get intimidated at how strong and capable women are, how many things we can juggle, and we are able to do so much, so selflessly. They have bigger egos than we do, too. Somewhere in that selflessness, they forget to appreciate us, and we forget to serve their egos like we used to.

We forget to tell our partner (and they forget to tell us) what we want to feel like, what we are missing, and what it would take to feel that way. Guys especially, sine they are "trained" to be emotionally inept. They don't know how to talk about emotions like we do. More often than not, we crave the 'High" we got when our bodies mass produced dopamine, norepinephrine, and endorphins (as they did when the relationship was new). We forget how to recreate those 'highs" and forget to flirt, date, and pursue.

How easy is it for a guy to tell his wife that he sometimes wants to be flirted with and pursued, so he can feel more powerful, attractive, and admired.......because he feels unappreciated, inadequate, and like a disappointment at work, and now at home, because his wife is too busy with all of her superwoman stuff to notice his ego? Not easy. It's easier and more comfortable for him to find someone else (who doesn't know a thing about his flaws or failures) to "reinvent" himself to them. It also serves as a way to "get back at " his wife for 1-forgetting his ego , and 2-being superwoman (inadvertantly emasculating him).

It is a hurtful betrayal, and demonstrates a lack of integrity. Chances are, he probably feels ashamed of himself. He does have some remorse. But that doesn't mean crap unless he has empathy. Does he "get it"? Can he tell you in his own words, how he thinks you must have felt when he did that? Does he care? Don't concern yourself with that unless you hope for a reconcilliation; so don't hold your breath....

Chances are also, that he not only feels ashamed of his lack of integrity, but also he is maybe bored or tired of putting up with the new woman, since she is younger, she lacks the life experience and skills you have. And unless they have been carrying on for years (probably not, because what self-respecting woman actually stays with a married man for years?) they don't have the emotional intimacy that you two had together. That's the feeling that your partner is so accepting of you that you an share all of your secret stuff that you wouldn't tell another living soul.

You are a woman, so you are biologicall pre-programmed to fear abandonment. Before modern civilization, that would be a death sentance for you and your children. The other part of your pain comes from the rejection and betrayal you must be feeling.

You have to go on with your life. You have to get back at him by not letting this destroy you. You have to get back at him by improving your life now that he is not in it. You have to be glad that he is someone else's problem to deal with now.

Chances are, if he was unable to tell you what he needed to feel fulfilled, it will happen again with the next woman, and the next, etc. Be glad and satisfied that he regrets giving up the best thing that ever happened to him. Thank him for the experience you got from him. Thank him for teaching you more about yourself. Thank him for letting you go and giving you your freedom to find someone who is worthy of you.

Drop off your baggage by thanking him, forgiving him for his shortcomings, and seeking wisdom in the lessons he has given you. Bagage contaminated future relationships, as well as existing ones. Baggage is a filter that distorts your reality. Baggage is like a "keep out" billboard, and makes people avoid being involved with you. Plus, it gets heavy to bear.

Build yourself up from the inside out. Try new things and test yourself. Try kickboxingm yoga, salsa dancing, martial atrs, darts and pool, spinning classes, and underwater basket weaving.

Practice until you get good enogh to teach someone else. Join a gym and get enough exercise to help your body produce those endorohins and dopamine that give you a high, like a new relationship does. Master a skill and accomplish some things. Those promote self-esteem and personal growth.

Give your life a makeover. Get proactive and do some things. He did you a favor and gave you your freedom to find out what you are made of. Find that out, and rejoice in it. Focus on what's good and right about you, not what's wrong and bad about you.

Go to a Unitarian Universalist Fellowship (look for a location online). UU's don't have a religious doctrine or creed. They promote respect and tolerance, and encourage diversity. All are welcome, regardless of background or faith. It's all about the dignity and worth in every human being, and you will meet friends. All are welcome to question and contribute to every topic of discussion. Go with an open heart and the confidence that you will find acceptance. It's all about fellowship (the commonality in all religions).

I wish the best for you, and I am confident that you will find peace with yourself and your life, when you choose to be a survivor rather than a victim.

Answer 2

They go through something. But if he left he may feel guilty in a missing you kinda way. Maybe you were too nice to him and he knows that and feels bad.....as he should! He could've talked about the split up before it happened. Closure is the best medicine. Seriously, you are torn up and all and the what if's are endless but cut your ties with him. Tell him you really don't need his charity e-mails anymore. If he is concerned for you that much then he shouldn't have left you in the first place. Tell him to mind his current affairs and you'll mind yours. Then cry a bunch, hate all men for 2 weeks, go out with a friend dancing, bump your butt against a guy on the dance floor, smile at the thought , start a new day. You will heal dear and the next guy to come along may be far better than the last.

Answer 3

if he left he may feel guilty in a missing you kinda way. Maybe you were too nice to him and he knows that and feels bad.....as he should! He could've talked about the split up before it happened. Closure is the best medicine. Seriously, you are torn up and all and the what if's are endless but cut your ties with him. Tell him you really don't need his charity e-mails anymore. If he is concerned for you that much then he shouldn't have left you in the first place. Tell him to mind his current affairs and you'll mind yours. Then cry a bunch, hate all men for 2 weeks, go out with a friend dancing, bump your butt against a guy on the dance floor, smile at the thought , start a new day. You will heal

Answer 4

It all depends on why the leaving took place. I've been in situations where I really really loved the other person....but....for one reason or another I knew that something was missing and that I would never be completely happy.

It sounds like your guy just found something that made more sense to him then staying with you. I doubt that he's feeling any real guilt or pain that he left you, since he is trying to make sure that you are comfortable. Real pain and suffering over the break up would make it hard to even think about you.

I will say this....that if you would have been the one to leave for someone else...he would be feeling all the same emotions that you are having now.

Answer 5

you are torn up and all and the what if's are endless but cut your ties with him. Tell him you really don't need his charity e-mails anymore. If he is concerned for you that much then he shouldn't have left you in the first place. Tell him to mind his current affairs and you'll mind yours. Then cry a bunch, hate all men for 2 weeks, go out with a friend dancing, bump your butt against a guy on the dance floor, smile at the thought , start a new day. You will heal dear and the next guy to come along may be far better than the last.

Answer 6

Look honey, all men are different but take it from me, he sure will not be feeling the same loss as you are right now. But hey, deep down, im sure you already knew this anyway.

Two pieces of advice ;

(1) Listen to " I will survive" , by Gloria Gaynor; and

(2) You MUST NOT show him that you still have any feelings for him. Make him think you're over him and couldn't care less about him and his new babe - in fact, wish him well in his new relationship - believe you me, this will make him feel really insecure and hurt. You see, part of the reason he still contacts you is to find out if ure still suffering for him or dare you have found someone else - it all adds to his inner pride and ego. Then later on, go on, be a devil, tell him you've found someone else !!!!

Anyway Princess, best of luck, - time REALLY IS a great healer.

Answer 7

Sweetie in all honesty if the men that cheated or just upped and abandoned their loved ones feel the same type of emotional hurt and disgust or loss that we felt then they would have never intentionally done it in the first place. You deserve so much better. Of course it's natural for you to hurt you gave this man your everything, your all and he in return gave you nothing, but hurt and pain. If he really understood how it feels to have the one you love hurt you in the worst way possible then he would not have hurt you and would still be with you. You need to open your eyes and see that he still emails you to check if you are ok because he is feeling the guilt of hurting you. Its weighing down on his conscience that he hurt the person that cared for him the most and now he is probably regretting what he did. But if he could do it to you once all ready that's one time too many. You as a person deserve so much more and over time the pain will go away. Right now what your feeling is how could he do this to me? I loved him and did everything I could for him? You probably evaluate yourself as a person to see what you could have done different...honestly you did everything you possibly could and there is nothing you could have done differently. Soon all that hurt and pain will turn into an understanding maybe even disgust when you will finally realize he only cared about himself and what he could gain. For your self worth, get over him and find someone worthy of your love!!! You deserve it.

Answer 8

He's just feeling guilty because he knows he is a very inconsiderate bastard. Dont let him feel like he can have his cake and eat it to either. Hes being nice in case the younger woman dont work out, he has you to fall back to. I dont think so. You deserve much better than what you got, so stand tall, keep your head up and tell him to kiss your behind. I'm sorry for what he put you through, but you will find love again, I know from experience. My husband cheated on me and I had no idea until I found out I had an STD. I have found love again and I now realize it was a blessing that were not together anymore. You will get through this because you are a strong woman. Take care sweetie.

Answer 9

It is hard to say when men in general feel and what one man in particular feels. However, in this case, if he felt the same way, he would not have done what he did. When I have loved someone, I would not dream of abandoning him. Men seem to do this more than woman. I am wondering if it is because a man will stay in a relationship out of convenience even when he is not totally devoted to the woman.

You are going to have to try to move past this. I know how you feel. I REALLY know how you feel. But we have to move on. You don't need to look for someone else right away, but you do need to go ahead with your life. He has. I believe that is his guilt taking when he emails to make sure you have what you need.

Good luck to you. You are not alone.

Answer 10

my answer 2 u would be no the reasons 4 him constant e-mails would be because his guilty mind is there. Another reason is that he is keeping u on the side just in case this other brod might leave him. The healthy thing u should be doing is change your e-mail & move on with your life go out & have fun let him the brod & his guilty mind alone. U deserve better Like my mother always says things happen 4 a reason U may not know what that reason is now but when it comes 2 u u'll probably say if he wouldn't have left me then this would have never happened.

Answer 11

Life's a ***** sometimes when the one we love doesn't feel the same for us. But you have to get over it and move on. Find someone who's more "into you" like he did and don't look back.

Some men feel pain after losing a loved one as much and even more than some women do. But we're all individuals and have different ways and degrees of showing and handling these problems and situations. Don't think that all men think and feel the same exact way. Nothing could be farther from the truth.