Can this be justified?

Question

Your partner has a lower sex drive and doesn't satisfy your emotional OR physical needs...Do you find that 'extra' elsewhere?
If not why not..isn't that fair?

Yes im married..read my other questions..they tell a story! ...I try to speak with hubby about how i feel but he just doesn't seem to want to know!

He's snoring here beside me, feel like elbowing him in the head!!!!! lol...Thanks for all your answers so far...I'm going to sleep on it..x

Answer 1

My friend (male) was in the same position as you. He lived this way for years and years, yet his needs were never being met. His wife was totally into herself and never considered his feelings whatsoever. This sounds like your situation. Everything revolves around him, and he is only interested in things when it has to do with him. If you have tried talking to him and he still refuses to listen, then I wouldnt just go and find someone else to give me what he cant (wont), I would be leaving him. My friend has been miserable his entire married life, he hung on because of the kids and because he felt responsible. I believe a lot of men/women stay for that reason. He felt he couldnt leave his wife, and lots of people do that, and for everyone it is different. At 52 he was thinking about taking his own life because he was so unfullfilled and absolutely miserable. He felt he was just a fixture around the house and nothing more. He should have left her years ago, he admitted that. Dont make the same mistake he did, he should have left when he was young enough and capable enough to live independently, now he has been conditioned to live this way...where her feelings are the only ones that matter...where he believes if he leaves her she will kill herself. Anyway this is not about him, this is about you. The signs are there, he is only interested in himself, he is not interested in you or your feelings, and you know why that is. Its because he feels safe and secure, that you will never leave him simply because, although you have spoken to him about it, youve done nothing about it. Actions always speak louder than words. If you dont want to leave him, you really have to prove your point to him. Tell him in no uncertain terms that if he refuses to treat you well and consider your feelings then you will have to find it elsewhere because you cannot live this way any longer. See what his responses are. If he says go ahead, then go ahead, and then he will have no leg to stand on because he gave you permission.

I think you know this has more to do with just his lower sex drive because he is treating you like a doormat as if your feelings dont matter. This is not just about sex, its about companionship and feeling good. It doesnt seem like he is providing you with any of that. Its not fair for anyone to live like this because it will only get worse. If he continues like this, then it will only be time before you do find someone else who will fullfill your needs and he wont have a comeback. He will try to blame you, but he has to take that responsibility on his own shoulders. I know someone cannot make another person do anything...it is always your choice, but he cannot blame you for finding with someone else what he is not prepared to give you. We were not put on this earth to be unhappy. You are unhappy. You are unhappy because of how he is treating you. I would give it one last chance, but this time instead of just talking, give him the ultimatum, either he steps up to the plate and starts to treat you with respect and love, or you will go out and find someone who will appreciate you.

I know me, and I know I wouldnt go out and find it elsewhere. I would give him the opportunity to change his ways with me, I would probably give him lots of chances, but when it became apparent to me that he is not listening, then I would leave him. I will not stay in an unhappy relationship based on the needs of the other person. It has to be an equal relationship...both your feelings need to be taken into consideration, not just his.

Only you can make that decision. I can understand why women do stay in their marriage because they dont want to upset the kids, and if they are young kids then it is quite a responsible decision and most parents sacrifice their happiness at some point for their kids. It is quite admirable actually. A lot of women in that situation will go out and find their needs with someone else, it happens a lot, not just with women, but with men too. Then when the kids are older they usually make the break with their spouse. If you can do it this way and not feel guilty, then you have to think about yourself at some point because he is not thinking about you. If you would feel too guilty about doing it, then dont do it because it will make the situation worse.

Your situation is not black and white and it is so easy for people to sit in judgement and say you married for better or for worse so you made a commitment. I dont understand these people, either they are in a wonderful marriage or they are devout Christians who have no tolerance for anything other than the scriptures.

Your husband needs a wake up call, that is for sure, no two ways about it. If you dont want to leave him and you need to feel valued and loved, then I say, find that with someone else because it sounds to me like your husband is not prepared to consider your feelings no matter what you say to him. And all I can say is he deserves what he gets because you warned him. He has done nothing about it, so you either consider your happiness or continue to feed his ego and do everything he expects of you. If it was me, the answer would be easy...I would leave him...but I dont know all the details and you are not me.

Just do what you feel in your heart you feel is right. Remember the only person you can change is yourself. If your husband values you enough then he will work to make changes with himself. You cant change him, only he can do that and if he is unwilling, then you are powerless to change him.

Answer 2

I don't know... I guess it would depend on why I got married to this person, and why I stay married to them... If he's always been this way - then why would I want him to change now? If he was great before, but all of a sudden stopped satisfying my needs - I would try to talk it out, find out what's going on; but after a while, I would have to question the whole purpose of being married to the person who doesn't care. I would probably not be looking for that "extra" elsewhere; I would be looking elsewhere for the whole thing.

Answer 3

Wow! I was in a marriage like that once. I went for 6 years without having sex or any kind of affection. It was a nightmare. However, I do not believe in cheating or having an affair. I believe that once you take your vows as husband and wife that you should not turn to someone else and ruin the marriage. After the 6 years I divorced him and found the love of my life. I am so happy now, but I would not have met my love if I had cheated and not divorced my ex when I did.

Answer 4

don't cheat you get OUT OF a unhappy marriage 1st before you look for someone else! Never a reason to cheat if you want out get out you don't get to have a loyal hubby at home and a lover on the side it's WRONG for any reason. The only way a couple should screw other people is if it's AGREED on open marriage.

Answer 5

No. you talk with him first. if you aren't married, then decide what is really important. Sex probably won't even be a factor later on down the road when you are like 85. So take that into consideration too. Maybe see a sex therapist or counselor.

Answer 6

it truly is basically it, i do no longer pass around justifying something. i pass approximately my business enterprise waiting for to be accepted and respected. I provide the respect that i decide on given back to me, and easily i do no longer often have any problems with having it. of direction, I understand the reality that i'm no longer donning a domestic dog dress to the food market and humping rocks probably makes issues slightly much less complicated for me. L

Answer 7

I'm sure in one point of your marriage he did satisfy you. What did you do to turn him on. Try a candle light dinner or use you imagination. Find some alone time. Romance works both ways you need to figure out what turns him on and use it.

Answer 8

Why not ask permission to get it somewhere else. Be serious and just say you need more and he isn't giving it. That will get the conversation started and either he will start giving more effort or allow you to get some extra. Hey, it's your life happiness too and you only get one life.

Answer 9

yal , that is the way i used to think too. my hubby is quick draw mcgraw! and i did do my own thing for awhile. but you know after i thought about it , it wasn't even worth it! it was dangerous! i could of caught something and brought it home...listen to someone who has been there. it is not worth messing up your marriage for! and living life on the edge like that is so dangerous with the disease's out there today!

Answer 10

Have a talk with your partner - see how they feel. They may feel open to that and it would be okay. I personally do not think that it is okay. There are other things to do with yourself. A commitment is a commitment and faithfulness is part of the commitment.

Answer 11

first talk about it, if the same thing occurs, get another lover cuz obviously nothing is satisfying you. DONT CHEAT, just end the relationship