Here is a small story i wrote, it is short and i want to know what you think.?

Question

Riding through the dried woods of the Black Hills on a noble mount is an everlasting experience. A red-brown mare steadily making her way through the brush. Fresh pine needles, pinecones, maple leaves sporting autumn shades, and dried grass litter the dirt path. The rhythmic walking of the riding mount mixing with the gently cool breeze flowing through the trees. Twittering birds rush to and fro across the sky searching for sunflower seeds. Blue clouds heavy with precipitation gradually grow darker as they reach across the horizon. Evergreens mix with taller maple trees forming a barrier of safety. Squirrels leaping from tree to tree, collecting food for the winter to come. The entrancing smell of the sap mingles with decaying wood, fresh manure, and the promise of rain. The thick aroma of tree sap lifts into the air covering all it touches. The entrancing smell of the sap mingles with decaying wood, fresh manure, and the promise of rain. The silence is as enjoyable as a good book that you just can’t put down. Slowly the air becomes denser as the clouds prepare to release their burden. The sun hides its face as the dark clouds take over the sky. A cool breeze streams through the branches of the surrounding trees. A soft trickle of rain falls from the dense mass of clouds looming above. The birds dart for the cover of their nest, and squirrels find shelter in the trunks of the great maple trees. The rain falls harder and faster. The wet drops slide over the bare skin of the rider, creating a truly refreshing feeling. The pitter-patter of the rain echoes through the trees. The dried woods drink up every last drop the sky offered, and begged for more. Slowly the rain ceased to fall and the clouds floated away, revealing the brilliant sunrays once again.

Answer 1

It was very good. I enjoyed it a lot. Is this just a beginning of a story? continue it please... I want to read the rest of your very thoroughly expressions. Keep up the good work !!!!!!

Answer 2

this is more like prose. i agree that it's not a story.more like a scene, a passing glance.it promises something, something BIG.is it the Rain?
coz i really thought it was about the rain. the rain in the forest.because it felt like you were leading us to this crucial thing. you set the imagery of the forest the feel, the scent, the temperature, the sounds.i was there i saw it as you described it. and i had the feeling there was something dark looming up ahead.
EXPECTATION of an event.you got me excited and cautious, so i anticipated but then i was seriously disappointed. it's like ive been waiting for so long and then suddenly i realize it's not worth the wait.it's anti-climactic.so what about the rain?how did the rain affect the rider, the horse, the forest?was it a kind of cleansing?a promise of a beautiful sunny day or rainbow perhaps?
i guess that's what i'm looking for, you got it it just needs a little more.
keep it up...

Answer 3

Don't let this discourage you.

I don't think this is a story, per se. There's no plot, no characters, no conflict (There's nothing wrong with that, of course). You're very good at description, but still, this is mediocre work. The style is bland, and the similes are tired and unoriginal. There are also far too many sentence fragments for this to warrant an A+ (I can't believe a teacher said that). Take heart, I don't want to hurt your feelings, and I can see plenty of potential. With practice you'll develope your own unique style, and hey, none of us are walking English textbooks. Keep writing.

Answer 4

Yeah, I have to agree -- this isn't really a short story. There is no point or plot to it. You did a detailed job of describing a scene -- an environment in which a story could take place.

Personally, I would try to trim down some of the adjectives in here and try to weave your descriptions into some action of some sort -- like describe what an Indian is doing while riding his mount through the Black Hills.

Answer 5

You certainly overdid with nature descriptions! It´s almost an entire chapter, about it! Cut it a little bit, because, something is on the verge of beginning, but never happens! It´s very annoying, but nevertheless, it´s a great start! Go ahead! I´m also have intention to write!

Answer 6

The imagery is rich and full, but you have not connected me to your character. When I read, I want to "meet" and know the human elements in a story. What was he feeling as he rode through this forest...did his mood match the weather? Was he waiting for someone? Was he trying to escape a painful memory. Add the human element and you would have engaged me more, but a wonderful description and I could feel where I was...I just didn't care enough! Thanks for sharing your story!

Answer 7

The journey of a thousand words has begun in this moment paused to view,and reflect I am alone again, naturally.

Answer 8

It's nice, the beginning was kind of choppy but the rest is gold, more like poetry because of all the imagery.

Answer 9

whats the rest? that wasnt even a story.
its just a piece of writing with waaaaaayy to many adjectives.
hopefully thats only the beginning.

Answer 10

it's good but possibly you should write a book and this can be one little part of it because i mean it sounds like a book's part not a story.... it's very good though, very detailed and thought through.