I keep swearing to never talk to this one ex now that I'm married. We dated for 4 years and were eachother's "first" in most everything, so I'm really attached. I know it's bad for my marriage, almost 6 years now, and I can go a few months without talking to the ex, but then I get depressed or nostalgic and look him up again. Anyone solved this problem for themselves?
2006-10-10 07:52:50 · 23 answers · asked by NotProduct 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You just stop. There's no magic. You stop. If you get depressed, go to the gym. If you get nostalgic, count your blessings. Self-indulgent behavior like this is going to harm your marriage. You don't give in to your feelings, you consciously make an effort to divert your attention-- if you start thinking of him, go bake a cake for you husband. Instead of calling him, do something a loving wife would do.
You just stop. Period.
When your husband gets home today, imagine the look on his face if you said "I've been in contact with EX for these last 6 years. I turn to HIM when I get depressed." Does your husband deserve that? And don't you deserve an honest, true marriage that doesn't involve some old boyfriend? You're better than that, aren't you?
2006-10-10 08:02:15 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am assuming that this ex is an ex-boyfriend. I know from experience that being married and keeping an ex doesn't work. What you are holding onto int this relationship are memories of everything that you shared together, but were not really committed as you are in your marriage. In my case my ex and I had a child, my child is now 27 years old and has never seen his dad because his dad wanted it that way. So if you do not have children there is a reason why you are not together. If you do have children by this person you will always be connected but "MAKE THE MARRIAGE WORK" A fantasy isn't going to work.
2006-10-10 14:59:14 · answer #2 · answered by kathy_brisson 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What are you doing married to some other guy?
You clearly have unfinished business with your ex. Why did you break up in the first place? You are with someone else for that reason.
Your baggage that you are carrying from that relationship is contaminating your current one. The way to drop off baggage is to 1-forgive him for his shortcomings and not being right with you, 2-forgive yourself for not being right with him, 3-thank him for the experience, and for teaching you more about yourself (what you wan/need from someone, what you will/won't accept, and what you're willing to give), 4-seek wisdom and learn from mistakes that both you and he made.
Commit to dropping of your baggage. Your current husband is not responsible for it, and he should not have to pay for it or carry it for you. That's what you are doing. You are letting it drive a wedge in your marriage. This is unfair and self-serving.
As far as your ex goes, he is your ex for a reason. Your imagination and unfulfilled needs tha tyou have now, causes you to imagine "what could have been" or "what things could be like". It happens when you remember the good times (when your body made the endorphins and dopamine when the relationship was new, and you felt a "high") and let your imagination fill in the missing information while you have been apart.
You are doing a disservice to yourself, your husband, and your marriage by allowing your imagination to do this. You need to turn to your husband to fulfill you. Tell him what you want to feel like, and what it would take for him to inspire those feelings.
And sever the ties with your ex. You are cheating on your husband by maintaining relations that exclude your husband. Period. Your husband can't possibly feel good about this. How would you feel if you were in his shoes?
Rekindle your marriage by continuing to flirt and date with your husband. Go salsa dancing or kickboxing. Play tennis, racketball, or some other physical activity that engages you both. This will help your body recreate those chemicals that gave you the 'high" when the relationship was new. Focus your energy on what you have now.
Happiness has more to do with wanting what you have than having what you want.
2006-10-10 15:22:27 · answer #3 · answered by pandora the cat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him that you can't talk to him anymore. I know that you care for him, but your husband should be your number one! Delete his number and when you do get depressed talk to your husband that is what he is there for! Good communication is something you need in a relationship. Plus he is your ex for a reason. There is a reason why you're not with your ex. There is a reason why you married your husband. I had the same problem when I was first with my husband now. I deleted the numbers I reminded myself that he is my ex because of one reason or another. I know you love and cherish your husband so do something that I know is going to hurt. Let go of your ex and focus on your husband! Good Luck!
2006-10-10 16:04:12 · answer #4 · answered by Gigglesalot 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cold Turkey...you have to....part of being married is that "You let no man come between you two".
Fight the urge to call him. You aren't giving your marriage a true chance... get a girl friend who you can call as oppose to him when you feel the urge.
He an ex-boyfriend that may have been a first for a lot but let him go unless you want to have a 1st then 2nd husband.
2006-10-10 15:01:01 · answer #5 · answered by Lovely B 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know the feeling. Change your numbers and dont answer emails. If possible create a filter that will filter his emails. Simply explain to your ex that youre not ignoring him just to be a *****, but that youre married now and its best that you two dont communicate. He has to respect your marriage, he doesnt have much of a choice, which is why he is your ex in the FIRST place. Avoid all contact with him possible and you'll be fine. And if he cant accept that then screw him and tell him its his lost anyway.
2006-10-10 14:57:09 · answer #6 · answered by Roselyn 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was married now I am not but when I was I had this ex boy fiend that I talked to all the time behing my husbands back. Even.tually while my husband and I were separated we tried things again and it didn't work so I guess there really isn't a way as long as you keep it at friends only basis and nothing more.
2006-10-10 14:57:32 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
i still talk to my ex but we have a son together..
maybe the reason you havent let go of your ex is because maybe your husband isnt doing what you need in your life, and your ex fills that in. That could also be whats going on..its not good but it happens..maybe you and your husband need to work on your relationship so you want have this feeling to need your ex..when i got married i got rid of all my ex's except my son's father and my husband and ex husband are alright with each other so it worked out good :)
2006-10-10 14:59:37 · answer #8 · answered by away right now 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am still friends with my ex. He and I were firsts for a lot too. We are friends though and have been for about 15 years. I have been married for 9 years and with my husband for 10 years. I don't see it as a bad thing to be friends with an ex as long as it stays just friends. I couldn't go the rest of my life w/o talking to my ex because he and I are so close. He is one of my best friends. You just have to decide if you talk to him because you still want to be with him or if you really are just friends and that is it.
2006-10-10 15:02:14 · answer #9 · answered by ~*~frankie~*~ 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You have to decide in your heart!! Which for the most part never tells you the right way to go. If you know that this could be damaging to yuor marriage, then you have to stop. Who is more important to you? Your Ex or your Husband. I know that it is not an easy situation.....but you have to decide.
2006-10-10 14:55:54 · answer #10 · answered by nycgrl 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋