I know I love the person I had an affair with. I do not love my husband the same way. It is like he is my bestfriend, but nothing more. We have a daughter, she is 10 months old. The person I had an affair with told me he loves me, and that he wants me to look into divorce. I do not want to hurt anyone, I do not want to hurt my husband at all, but it seems to me now that when I married him it was to make him happy, and me staying with him is to make him happy, but what about my happiness, what do I do??
2006-10-10 07:18:27 · 28 answers · asked by Kimberly T 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Some of your answers are not fair ones, yes I am hurting my husband, but my daughter is fine. I am a stay at home mother, my husband is gone 5 days a week as a truck driver, he is only home 2 days a week. I am all she has, she is my life. I want to make her happy as much as I want to happy. If the other person wants to marry me, then how is it hurting her? She will have a step daddy and a biological one that I will absolutely let her see. So I am the evil one when he yells at me, yells at my 10 month old baby, that makes me evil for not loving him the same way anymore? People need to know the whole situation before they comment. I do love him, but not the same way. I never meant to have the affair. My husband is 10 years older then me. I am only 23 he is 33, people change, when we were married I was 21 years old, I made a bad choice.
2006-10-10 07:36:34 · update #1
OK, a lot of you have good points, but most of you just infuriate me. The one person who Infuriates me the most is "MB" who speaks he/she knows nothing about. I asked a question looking for answers, not judgements. Do not judge me, or my ability to be a good mother. I am not justifying what I did because my husband works away from home, I am so greatful for what he does, supporting us the way he does, missing out on his family, but that is his choice, he does not need to do that, I did not cheat beacuse he was gone, I cheated because I was lonely and not being loved or appreciated and someone gave me that. It was wrong. I know that. About the custody thing, I know it is 2006! I know what the laws are. People need to get off their anymous soap boxes and see that yes it is 2006, people get divorced, and start over. It happens everyday. My child is one of the best things this relationship caused, I believe things happen for a reason and if she was the reason, then so be it.
2006-10-10 09:14:19 · update #2
Matters of the heart is a complicated thing. I know that. I was married for 5 years, but no children. A month ago, I got divorced. Not because I couldn't give him a child because we both have affairs. He had an affair 3 years after our marriage, didn't realise it until about a year ago. I noticed the change in him & tried to regain his love for me but didn't seem to work. I continued on with my life, trying to be a good wife. But I was unhappy as he was always out with his 'friends'. Soon after, I started to go out as well and building my own social life. Last March, I met a guy. We clicked instantly. Although naturally a shy person, I was surprised myself when I gave him my number. Our affair started. I thought I knew love when I married my husband. But my affair taught me the real love. My husband noticed the change in me. I began to refuse and make excuses when he asked to make love. He noticed my frequent calls at night.
So we confronted each other, and I told him that I've considered leaving him as I don't have anything more to offer to him. I'm 29 years old, so is he. We are still young and told him that maybe we are better off separated and try to build a new life. I told him I am in love with someone else and I am happy. Also, told him I knew about his affair. We had a long talk, not only once but a few times before we finally made our decision that it's best for all if we divorced. No use hurting each other's feelings by staying together and pretending you have a life together. Happiness matters. Think of yourself before you think of others. You live for you. So make yourself happy but do it properly and cordially. Think thoroughly.
We separated peacefully and still kept in contact with each other's family. People should understand that this is your life. If you feel that you can have a better life with another, who can support you and love you better, why not?
2006-10-10 11:00:41 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
The first step to figuring out what you do, is accepting what you have done. When I read your follow up conversation it appeared to lack a sense of self responsibility. You can decide what is best for you, but that does not necessarily make it best for your husband. I'm sad to see your in the situation your in, but pretending that an affair and 2 daddy's is going to bring more enrichment to your daughter's life is the biggest bunch of bullshit I have ever heard. You are selfish and delusional, and furthermore it is not your husband's , your lover's, or your daughter's responsibility for your happiness, it is your own. Life's tough, and given the situation, at 23 you may have not been prepared to be a stay at home Mom, it's tough both mentally and physically. Not only are you the sole child rearer, ( which is a demanding but rewarding task) you also maintain all the household duties, but that does not detract from what your husband is providing, to think that he isn't mission out on a significant part of his childs life to provide for you financially is ridiculous. I am glad you put in there you will allow him to see your baby, that is really gracious of you. This is 2006 honey, and last I checked a father has equal right to custody, and that takes money. You better get yourself educated on how the world works, and realize that nothing furfilling is gonna come out of an affair. If your marraige has problems, fix em. If you don't have a partner that will work to fix em, divorce him if you have too. But pretending that because some guy who is sneaking in the back door, is more of a main, than the one who speds 5 days a week on the raod to provide for your cheating ***... is well you tell me.
Don't be surprised when your hubby now finds someone who appreciates him, hopefully it's be you b4 it's too late.
2006-10-10 08:26:56 · answer #2 · answered by ~MB~ 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you have already made up your mind and are asking us for permission... We ca't justify what you've done...
Why would a "Stay at Home Mom" be in a position to meet someone to have an affair with. I could understand if you worked and met people all day long. Women across the planet stay home everyday...and never have affairs. Husbands all over have faithful wives whether they are away 5 days or a yr (military).
A 10 month old baby should have kept you home instead of frequenting places where you met this guy. A bar perhaps? Adding alcohol does cloud judgement.
Yes you did affect your daughter..... you took away her full-time daddy.
Do yourself a favor...after the divorce.... don't marry the other guy. At least until you are mature. Chances are, if he leaves town you'll eventually cheat on him too.
Yes you made a mistake! Youmade two! Getting married and having the affair. Don't make another one! Or you will find yourself alone in the long run.
2006-10-10 07:55:26 · answer #3 · answered by westfield47130 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say do what is best for you and your child. Allot of abusive relationships starts with yelling. If you don't love your husband and you want to continue your relationship with the other man you need to get a divorce. If you aren't happy your daughter will see that and she won't see what a healthy family should act like. I know you don't want to hurt anyone, but with an affair someone always gets hurt. Your husband is going to get hurt either way, with telling him about the affair he will get hurt and possibly want a divorce. With a divorce it hurts too. if you stay in the relationship you could get hurt by not being in a happy and healthy relationship. Also if you stay together your daughter could get hurt by seeing two people together that don't love each other. You need to think what is the best choice. To stay with your husband now or go with the new man. Only you know what you really want and need. One thing is though, if you do get a divorce wait a little while before you get married again. It sounds like you lost who you are in all of this and before you try to love someone else you need to love and know yourself first! Good luck!
2006-10-10 07:56:03 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not gonna like this advice but you asked for it. First of all what you have done is a cowardly and selfish thing. You have a child to think about. If you dont love your husband any longer than you should have done everything you can to try to rekindle the spark. If that failed then you should have divorced him then look for a relationship. If you end up with this guy that says he loves you then I am not sure how there will be any trust in your relationship. Most men that seek attention from married women due so because insecruity issues. It may sound strange but he is able to be with you and knows when he isnt that you arent out cheating on him but that you are with your husband that you dont love anyway. You may not like this advice but I bet you that it is spot on.
2006-10-10 07:30:48 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
although you feel like you are trapped in a tight spot, its really the other parties, namely your husband and daughter. shouldn't you have thought about leaving your husband before the affair, when you realized that you only loved him as a friend? you are not only hurting your husband and your daughter. you made a committment, had a child with him, and i seriously doubt 10 months ago everything was fine, but still you made a baby with him. yes you should leave your husband before you cause him more pain. but the really funny thing is, the other guy will probably see you for what you really are which is a cheater, and soon will leave you for someone else...
2006-10-10 07:27:54 · answer #6 · answered by Lin B 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1st Question:
There are no right choices just strength of character to stand by your decisions. Like marriage vows.
2nd Question:
Depends on how you justify it to yourself.
Life is suffering, therefore you will hurt someone. In this case it looks to be your husband and daughter.
Saying the words, "I love you" is easy, but showing it by being there day in and day out is harder, its a test of character like marriage.
Being happy has nothing to do with who you are with or what you have. Its a choice each of us makes.
You can try and get back some of the freedom you gave up when you became a wife and mother, but I doubt you will still be a good wife or mother.
Its your face you have to look at each day.
Good Luck
2006-10-10 07:52:25 · answer #7 · answered by snack_daddy10 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well this is a tough one, I think you should never stay in a relationship just because you have a daughter. From personal experience my parents did the same thing we suffered till our teen years. If you no longer love your husband move on. Just be careful with your new relationship, make sure he loves you and it's not just an attraction. Wish you the best of luck!
2006-10-10 08:14:19 · answer #8 · answered by Sandy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well if you were so darned commited to making him happy I am sure you frolicking in bed with another man will make him ecstatic.
Do him a favor and leave him. This will allow him to find someone that WILL love and honor him.
I know stupid naive folks will say...follow your heart. Well missy the heart is not the part of your body you followed.
I doubt if it is love. You are being turned out and cannot think straight. But hey, go for the other guy.
That is better than your husband staying with a cheating and unloyal wife.
2006-10-10 07:22:38 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
If you really don't love your husband and you and your male friend are both in love, I wouldn't stay with my husband for the sake of the child. Children can sense things as they age, and will get hurt. You are really hurting your husband now by having an affair with another man, and you are hurting yourself by staying with your husband and feel guilty being with another man. End the affair or the marriage. Only one can work out.
2006-10-10 07:23:51 · answer #10 · answered by Mary Smith 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋