I have been with my husband for 15 years, he has been abusive verbally and physically. I was ready to leave and still am pondering the idea of it. He has turned into a totally different person in this past 6 weeks, since his last rage. (threw something at me in front of our son). We have tried marriage counseling, however I have a lot of hurt inside me. He says he is willing to do anything he can to save our marriage. However, I see him changing for a period of time, but going back to the way he always has been. I am different now, I know that I will not put up with any abuse. Myself and my son deserve much more. I don't want to end my marriage and would love to see it work. I know that I can't "fix" him, but what can I do to help him? I also know that he can't do this on his own.
2006-10-10 06:41:55 · 26 answers · asked by diddle 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have to clarify, the verbal abuse has been much worse than anything. He has put his hands on my throat 3 times, the last time was around 3-4 years ago. Its seems that this is a 3 year cycle with him. He is not physically abusive every day or week. He is an excellent person otherwise. I do know that his father is very verbally abusive to his mom and was very physically abusive to the children growing up. I have already told him that he has about 6 weeks of counseling and then marriage counseling afterwards. I can't go back on my word and leave know. I have already given a time frame to him.
2006-10-10 07:22:12 · update #1
I know an old story, which I want to share with you. It seems very simple but holds a powerful meaning...
A vagabond had been sitting by the side of the road for thirty years. One day a stranger walked by...
"Spare some change?" mumbled the vagabond...
"I have nothing to give you," said the stranger. Then he asked: "What's that you're sitting on?"
"Nothing, " replied the vagabond. "Just an old box. I've been sitting on it for as long as I can remember.
"Have you ever look inside?" asked the stranger.
"No," said the vagabond. "What's the point, there's nothing in there."
"Have a look inside," insisted the stranger. The vagabond, unwillingly, managed to unwrap the cover. With astonishment, incredulity, and excitement, he saw that the box was filled with gold.
I am that stranger who has nothing to give you and who is telling you to look inside. Not inside any box, as in the parable, but somewhere even closer: inside yourself.
2006-10-10 06:53:16 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Please believe me when I tell you that he will not change. You have been dealing with this abuse for 15 years, I really hate that for you and I feel your pain.
The thing about domestic violence is that it runs in cycles. You will have a period where he is abusive toward you, then he remorseful and starts being kind. This period where he is being kind is what you fell in love with him over, and is called the honeymoon stage. But, then the honeymoon stage is over and he returns to being abusive toward you again. This continues time after time after time.
You do deserve so much better. He can only help himself -- it's a control thingfor him. He will continue the abusive behavior as long as you are in that house.
Is there a YWCA in your area. If there is, please call them and they can help you. There are domestic violence help lines that are more than able and extremely ready to be there for you. Don't back down from leaving -- Please don't. Take the power and control within yourself and use that strength in leaving him. If he really wants you back, then have it where he MUST RECEIVE HELP -- show proof of that help for at least a year before you even come close to returning. They do offer support groups for men that abuse.
But most importantly -- you are a strong person. You are a strong person because you have put up with the abuse for this many years. Now, it is time to pool that strength and walk out that door and do not return. I have faith in you that you are a strong powerful woman and you can make it.
2006-10-10 07:03:36 · answer #2 · answered by JB 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try a trial separation, move yourslef and your son out of the family home and tell your husband that niether of you will be back until he changes.
You and your son have been through too much to stay with this man any longer, it is bad enough that he is verbally and physically abusive to you but to do it in front of your son is well out of order.
In a way you are "feeding" his abuse because at the end of the day, with you staying with him, living under the same roof, your husband is thinking that he can do anything to you and take anything out on you because you put up with it...he doesn't think that you are strong enough to walk away from your marriage but YOU ARE!!!!
Keep going to counselling, move out for at least 6 months, sounds like a long time but after all you have been through its not, give your husband an ultimatum and tell him that if he doesn't change his ways for good after 6 months, he has lost both of you for good, if he does move back in but make sure he knows that if things start to go back to the way they were you are gone for good.....you BOTH deserve so much better than putting up with this kind of abuse.
2006-10-10 06:57:22 · answer #3 · answered by debs1701 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You can not change someone! The cycle will keep going. Get out while you can. You don't want your child to think this behavior is normal. And grow up to do the same thing. Or hurt your husband in a fit of rage and go to jail because he is tired of your husband hitting on you. 15 Years is a long time to be with someone to just up and leave have a plan be safe.
2006-10-10 07:00:02 · answer #4 · answered by voluptuousdiva4u 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you really love your son You need to step up! I have seen this in my past it it really hurts not only you but your son . Call the cops next time get a restraining order against him if the doesn't leave u alone. I am 22 and I did it I know you can too.I have two little girls and now we are living better then ever. Do it now before it's to late!! Cause if he really loves you he wouldn't have hit you no matter what. It's not your fault it's his fault you will never change him cause you can't control him.Leave Now for the safety of your son and you! You will be better with out him!
2006-10-10 07:37:35 · answer #5 · answered by Linda704 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well the thing is that your right..you cant fix him. My dad was abusive to my mom and my brother has been abusive with every girl he's ever dated. He changed for like 6 months because he went to jail but then he went right back. I think that once a person crosses that line and you let them then they'll keep doing it because they can. It's hard because of the child and it's a marriage but you have to put your foot down. In the end it's up to you how much your willing to take.
Good Luck.
2006-10-10 06:47:35 · answer #6 · answered by PAYPAY 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am very close to where you are right now. I told my husband to leave after 11.5 years of marriage because he started drinking again. He has never been abusive but constantly lies. I no longer trust or repect him and without that how can I love him. Why are men such fools? You don't want your son throwing something at you or anyone else so get out now so he knows it won't be tolerated. It is now our repsonsibility to raise boys that don't know how a real man should behave! Let's teach them how a woman should be treated!
2006-10-10 06:51:28 · answer #7 · answered by Mom first 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he needs anger management along with the marriage counselling.
Whatever you do don't put up with him hitting you and throwing things, your child will pick up this behaviour too if he is seeing it.
If at all possible stay with someone while you are going through the counselling, this way he can get a grip on the fact that you are willing to try and work it out but that in all reality if things don't change you will leave him.
Good luck
2006-10-10 06:48:39 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you have honestly tried counseling and it is not working, then you need to face some reality here. No, he will not change because he is acting out of very serious issues buried deep in his own past. Anger only gets worse. You may be in danger and it certainly is damaging your child. He needs in depth psychotherapy and anger management. That is the only hope. In the meantime, a time out where you live away from him might help you get your own life in perspective. Stay in counseling. Know your options. Educate yourself. Protect you and your child.
2006-10-10 06:45:24 · answer #9 · answered by Isis 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Perhaps you should try to change. He maybe frustrated at you. I know it's hard to hold temper (i'm married too) But remember marriage is a 2 way street. You both need to change.
My wife thinks I'm the always in the wrong. Compromise. Take half the blame. Thats what marriage is about.
Good Luck.
I think you'll work it out
2nd thought:
Please don't base your decision on what you see here on answers. That would be a perfect waste of 15 years
2006-10-10 06:56:14 · answer #10 · answered by Highbeam 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋