How long do you have to be unhappy in a marriage before you decide its best to part?

Question

There are two scenarious that pass through one's head when in a bad marriage (bad marriage being one in which both people are unhappy and incompatible) before one decides to leave. One: Maybe one day we will get along and the trick to marriage is sticking through the bad times. Two: I've seen marriages in which people stay together and are unhappy for life.

The marriage I'm referring to is one where two people were married young and grew into different people.

Answer 1

its is very difficult to part i was married very young but finally it just came to the point you have to let go i don't think there is no certain time its depends on when you feel ready to part....even though its tough

Answer 2

Your friends' marriage might not be salvageable.

But "growing apart" is a process, not a sudden decision, and so people can take responsibility early on to at least try to prevent this from happening.

When people "grow apart," it means that they weren't taking steps to "grow together." Basically, one spouse was doing his thing, while the other spouse was doing her thing, and they weren't 'reconnecting' their worlds on a daily basis in order to stay together.

Both spouses need to find ways to invest in each other's world or build "their" own world together; or they have to take time to communicate what's been going in their world to the other person, so it's still just LIKE they were actually together the whole time.

Many people don't realize this, so they grow apart by accident and then have to work to salvage something, if they haven't already latched onto new people in their different worlds.

Sticking through the bad times is not a bad thing -- but it's only HALF the picture. A marriage needs "stick-to-it-ness," but it also needs engagement and involvement with the other person.

"Sticking it out" as if it is torture merely to be endured will not improve the marriage and will in fact just make their lives hell. In some cases, it's better they just split -- if that's all they are willing to commit to.

Instead, both spouses have to actively choose to find pleasure and interest in what the other person values -- even if they don't feel that way right now.

It demands change, which isn't easy, and which many people are unwilling to do.

Answer 3

There are alot of factors that go into this. One if you marry young most likely you will grow apart especially if you only married cause of a pregnancy. I think it should be attempted if both want it too if not they will part no matter how long it takes. And i know from experience you need to look at what you are getting yourself into before hand cause divorce costs mucho denaro. That is why i am still with my husband now. Two children make the situation much worse. Both want the kids but it just cant work that way and believe me staying together for the kids is a bad bad idea. It will only hurt them in the long run. And three if you are married long enough being unhappy comes with the territory. Its like having a friend that just wont go away or get out of your hair.

Answer 4

When your marriage gets to this point it time to sit down and discuss with your spouse where you see your relationship heading. If you no longer share the same goals and aspirations then perhaps its time to move forward with your lives and find someone else who does share those same thoughts and feelings.

I put up with a 12 year relationship where we had nothing in common, did nothing together as a couple or a family and I was miserable and so were the kids and the time came for me to say I can't live like this anymore. We have been separated for 2 years.

I have since met a wonderful man and we are planning a life together, and we do share all the same goals, interests and we love each other.

I wish you luck in deciding how you want handle your situation, everyone's in different, just know that however you deal with it, it is a personal choice and one that you need to make for yourself.

Answer 5

Wow. We sound like the same people. I have to say what, *sighs* I never ever wanted to hear... You are going to stay until you honestly cannot breathe another second of hostile air. And that will come, believe me. I will say that it is subtle and it wont be until one day you realize that wow... I dont have to live like this.

"Maybe one day..." Hunnie... listen to yourself. This world is getting crazier and crazier. Who knows how long you, personally, have on this earth or 'we' have as a whole.. is this what you wanted for yourself. You are ALLOWED to want more.

"Trick to marriage is..." granted. Yes, there are bad time... but I have to remind you.. you said both ppl are 'unhappy' and 'incompatible.' Now, it might just be a guess but I dont think those words define 'bad times.' Unhappy is a state of mind and incompatible is a word that defines a relationship between two ppl.

"I've seen marriages..." is that what you want?

As I have seen with myself and many others Im sure that your 'doubt' spawns from the alternative to leaving this bad thing... being alone. And that my dear is probably what is keeping you from doing what you KNOW you need to do.

But take it from me... (single mom for 5 mos now) it's not gonna be easy! But you can do it.

Answer 6

There's a difference between minor "unhappiness" and profound dissatisfaction. It is usually possible to distinguish between the two; I don't know quite how to put my finger on it, it's just sometimes it "doesn't feel right". I tend to be fairly swift in making up my mind, and would not waste my time in a marriage where things were just "not right". Now, this is not to say that I expect a relationship to be "perfect"; nothing's perfect. But sometimes there's a certain profound unhappiness that is different from the minor petty everyday stuff - and this is what I'm talking about here.

Answer 7

I was 18 when I got married and thought I was happy and so fortunate to have a successful marriage. 11 years and 3 kids later I am finally waking up and realize that people never really do change. If they lie, they will always lie. If they drink, they will always drink. Sometimes a few compatabilities aren't enough to be happy. I guess the ultimate questions would be is would it be better with or without him? Friendship, emotional support, respect, and trust I believe are key to any relationship. If all that is there, it's worth sticking it out.

Answer 8

I used to fantasize of my ex- getting into an accident. I will say In the begining. One day I woke up and said to myself, I put so much time and energy wanting to get out, why not try to make it work. I really put my hear and soul into a loveless marraige, I was underappreciated, under valued, and disrespected. She ended up cheating on me and leaving me. Why do I tell you this... cause when you suffer for LOVE, and I did love her, it makes you grow. I learned so much about relationships, and what real love is. I have a better relationship with my daughter than I would have, and have met a beautiful person who i can really appreciate now, and it's not as Hard or as much work as the last relationship. Sure it's still tough, but acceptance and committment are not factors that plauged the other.I guess my point is you keep your heart clean, cause even after he's gone you still gotta live with yourself.

Answer 9

Ask my ex-wife she would say a year after your married, but we lasted eleven. She was eighteen and I was twenty three. I worked at Target and she was a photographer. That's all she wanted to do in life and she said she didn't care how much money I made as long as we love each other. That lasted two years, she then wanted to go after the high life. She went to college and became a nurse. She's been stuck up ever since. She forced me to change jobs every few years because I did not make enough for her. She made 26 an hour at her nurses job and she taught nursing and made another 36 an hour. I made 11 an hour. Eventually she decided to call it quits because I could not provide for her. Good luck baby, I hope you find a rich man!

Answer 10

I've reached that point in my own marriage right now. I have been married for 8 years, and I almost left him 5 years ago. I decided to stay and try to work things out. Everything was going ok for a while, but I'm back at the same place now. I feel I need to leave to try to get my life back. For the last 10 years I feel as though I've lived my life for him, and not for myself. I still love him, but this is something I need to do for myself. We got married in our early 20's, and I'd rather get out now while we're still young rather than stay together and try to be someone I'm not for the rest of my life.

Answer 11

a marriage endures growth and change just like people do.
If people choose to stay together through thick and thin that's their decision. If they choose to seek counselling and resolve issues in their marriage and both of them work on it together .... that's great!
It all comes down to how much the two people involved want their marriage to work and be happy with one another.
I wouldn't stay in a marriage where I'm miserable all the time and both of us didn't seek help to strengthened our marriage.