Lesbian Porn!?

Question

I am always catching him looking as lesbian porn. And I ask why do you look at it you are happily married. He replys I don't know and every answer is I don't know. And he says I have been doing it before I met you and so on he says. Its because you don't give me pictures. But I have and he still looks at sluts all the time and it makes me feel like I am not good enough for him. What should I do?

Answer 1

This is really long, but bear with me. I have some experience with this, and helping couples get back on track with recovering from Centerfold Syndrome. (That's where men have a self-serving, voyeristic need to objectify women, and view them in a submissive, reduced way.)

He sounds like he has Centerfold Syndrome. And, probably a porn addiction. Porn causes the body to release endorphins and makes dopamine, which can become quite addictive. Similar to when a relationship is new. It's like a "high".

And as far as lesbian porn, it's quite an ego trip to imagine two women pleasing each other, and giving him a break from having to perform himself. Trust me, in real life, more men that not get performance anxiety when they're with two women. Obtaining and maintaining an erection is difficult to do because of the intimidation factor. It sounds erotic in theory, but in reality is not quite as hot.

Some guys feel just plain inadequate and need to reduce women to a level that is more comfortable for them to deal with. They do this by objectifying women. They like porn because they can make it all bout them. The woman is a visual that creates the fantasy that she is there to please him and him only, and unselfishly. She is much less intimidating than a real woman, who has feelings, needs, goals, flaws, and talents. A real woman could be potentially disappointed.

A porn image is a woman who can never be disappointed. She knows nothing of his flaws and failures. That's part of the attraction. In all reality, she is a pretty woman made up to look beautiful, and she is catering to a market because she lacks the job skills to do anything else that is actually worthwhile. This is much less intimidating than a real woman with skills, capabilities, competencies, and strength. Sometimes, strong and capable women can be a touch emasculating to a man.

Please do not take this too personally. Your man has a problem. He is addicted to the objectification of women because he is intimidated and feels inadequate. It does not detract from your wonderful redeeming qualities, and it does not detract from your desirability. I understand that it is insulting, hurtful, and a betrayal, because YES, it IS cheating.

Cheating is when one turns away from their partner and goes outside the relationship to meet their needs; Needs that they have not yet disclosed to their partner or given them a chance to fulfill. It is completely self-serving, at the expense of their partner, their trust, and their unconditional positive regard. Plus, it's mean.

Porn is for guys who have no other options. Single guys, guys who don't date or couldn't find a date, and guys donating sperm at a sperm bank. it is not appropriate in a relationship if one partner feels insulted or hurt, and if it is appropriate, it should be shared with both partners.

Telling him how you feel may not necessarily be the answer. That would imply that he is responsible for your feelings, when he's not. No one wants that job. And It might cause him to become sneakier. He will feel even more emasculated and like he has to answer to you. You don't want that.

The best thing to do is find out what he thinks the appeal of porn is. Ask him how he thinks he would feel if he were in your shoes. See if he is able to even come close to how you feel, without trying to defend himself. Then , lay down the law. Let him know that you want to be a priority, not just an option. tell him to choose to turn away from you to porn, or to you to fulfill him. He needs to choose.

Let him know that you understand that a one dimensional image in much less intimidating than a real woman, but you will not accept a man who objectifies women. Period. Tell him that you can do better (than him), if he continues to. Be prepared to leave him and move on. You really can do better. Other men would feel lucky you picked them, and always make you #1.

Tell him that you want to be #1. Tell him that in order to feel like his #1 choice, you need to be flattered, acknowledged, considered at all times, flirted with, pursued, and won over. Tell him that you can imagine that he probably wants the same thing. Be willing to give to him what you want from him.

Tell him that cheating is your dealbreaker. Cheating is doing anything you wouldn't do in front of your partner, wouldn't want them to know about, or self-serving pleasures that exclude your partner. That means internet chatting, emails, porn, phone calls, "just friends" dates, etc. It means maintaining relationships with other men/women that exclude your partner. While masturbating in the shower is not cheating, jerking it to porn IS, unless his partner is by his side, participating.

IF you want to rekindle that spark, you have to understand something. When a relationship is new, your body produces all kinds of chemicals that give you a "high". Over time, your bodies produce less of those chemicals and start making new onew that promote a long-term sense of comfort and security, as well as acceptance. It takes more time to clear the "noise" to allow your mids to focus on the moment, when you are being physical with your partner. Your body then takes longer to "respond" to your partner. This doesn't mean it's "over" or that the passion is gone.

It means that you are emotionally invested in your partner. It means that you see them as a whole person, with all of their redeeming qialities as well as their flaws. Past hurts can create baggage that is hard to overlook, to focus on the moment. All of this makes "noise" in your mind that's hard to turn off.

To turn off the noise and give your body a chance to respond, is the thing to do. Shut the tv off and sit cnd chat for a bit, share that emotional intimacy of revealing the secret parts of yourself to your partner that you woldn't share with another living soul. Flirt with your partner and acknowledge his ego, appreciate him for all that he does that causes you to be attracted to him. Compliments and positive observations are the way to do this. Seek to understand him before expecting to be understood.

Then go about geting physical, but take your time and don't be discouraged if you're not "hot and bothered" immediately. Tell him you need more time messing around before going further.

The idea here is that it's not that you're not good enough for him. It's more ike he doesn't feel good enough for you. He feels inadequate and like a disappointment to you, so he has to make it all about him. When you understand and make effort to reactivate those "new relationship" chemicals, you replace the need for him to seek them on his own.

This could involve some physical activity that engages you both, like salsa dancing or rackettball, flirting, dating, and pursuing each other, and appreciation. Always remember that you need to be the one who takes care of his ego the best, and he will respond to you be making you #1. It won't happen overnight, but if you give it time and patience, consistency and don't criticize 9that emasculates him) he will grow to count on you to fulfill him.

If you search for Dr. Laura Berman's Passion Files, she has links to female-friendly erotica and female-friendly porn that you might like to check out. Porn can be really erotic when it doesn't objectify the woman, or portray her as slutty and existing to serve the male ego. Check it out on your own, to see if you are comfortable with that (and if you want to meet him halfway).

Good luck to you. This is fixable, if you want it to be. Do you love him? Is he worth it? If so, then I wish you the best.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Women please do not answer for guys who look at porn. You have no idea what you're talking about. The REAL reason a guy in a relationship is looking at porn is BECAUSE 95% OF WOMEN ARE BORING AT SEX. We just cant tell you that because you cant handle that fact. The irony is that 95% of women think they are the bomb at sex. The orgasm from porn/masturbation is WAYYYYYY better than what you get from the 95% of boring sex women. The women who really are good at sex can match what porn can do. The other reason is simple as well - if you don't meet his needs he will find it some other way and in todays time that is definately porn. Its no surprise so many men prefer porn over there spouses now b/c the entire time they've been thinking "Im the fuking bomb at sex." Most women REALLY enjoy the sex denial game (denying sex as a power trip). You can keep the game, we'll keep the porn. Hell if anything you women should take notes from porn. Negative women suck at sex and life. Do not be mad or surprised that men are doing this now. If you were in their shoes you would too.

Answer 4

tell him to prove his love for you,and to get rid of all that lesbian porn,so that you guys marriage will be even stronger,because this lesbian porn could bring division in your marriage,and it could also give him bad ideals to go out and cheat on you with a lesbian couple,so what ever you do you must do all that you can to prevent your husband from continuing to look at lesbian porn.

Answer 5

What should you do? Stand up for yourself! Atleast I did. I just came from that relationship sweetheart and all I have to say is it's not going to change. And if you get on him too much about it he will just start hiding it.

I took solid ground on this b/c I am only one person but I was willing to fullfill any desire he had needed. Instead, he would fill his wants with 'another girl' b/c that's what it is. What do you think he is thinking when he's looking at it? Honestly, I'd even go as far as to say it is a form of cheating.

And Im sure you know what people do with cheaters!

Good luck hun, *hugs*

Answer 6

If the only way to find porn of a guy getting a ******** was by watching gay porn, men would resort to gay porn too.

Answer 7

That's something you two will have to work out. Porn can be a wonderful way to bring couples together (my wife loves it, for instance), or sure fire way to divorce court. Ultimately, his loyalty should lie with you... if there's no compromise, then you two may have to go your seperate ways and find people compatible with one another.

Answer 8

He is might be addicted to porn. On the plus side at least it's lesbians and not guys.

Answer 9

Get over yourself.
His looking at porn has nothing to do with you, nor you as a lover.
There is nothing wrong with him looking and like he said he did it before you and will continue to do it whether you wish to pretend it's a big deal or not.
It has nothing to do with your relationship.
Do you think he finds it a threat when you look at male celebrities?
Maybe your into Brad Pitt. Does that make him less of a man because you have your Brad Pitt movies?

Answer 10

I told you before that viewing porn is a natural thing and is actually healthy (if not overly accessed) to a relationship. It's far more better then cheating.
However, here's a bit of advice... if you feel insecure when he looks at that, tell him how you feel. Express your feelings. You need to be upfront and honest about your emotions with the relationship. Maybe then the two of you could compromise on something.

Answer 11

make a pro and con list and add a third column for deal breakers.

For one month keep track of your guy and list his behavior. They review the list and your relationship.

He is who and what he is. If the only bad thing is his looking at porn and having wandering eyes, count yourself lucky! (only if it is not on the deal breaker list though)

He will keep looking at porn, and occasionally you'll see him do that. Ask him to be somewhat discreet about it because it makes you uncomfortable. Try to forgive him for it (he is only a man) and avoid trying to catch him at it.

If the looking (remember it is looking only) _really_ hurts and you have problems dealing with it, counseling (you and him) is in order, the only other option is seeing an attorney.