What do I do now that my husband is drinking again?

Question

I recently told my husband I want him out of the house. We have been together for 14 years the last 5 of which I thought he was sober. A recent death in his estranged family drove him to start drinking again. He is once again on a self distructive path that I refuse to go down again. He has never been able to provide for us financially (we have 3 kids) but I felt he made up for that by helping a lot around the house, making dinner, volunteering for activities with the kids. But now I don't think that's enough. How can I stay with a man that I no longer trust or respect? He has worked the past 5 years trying to get that back and I'm not willing to try again. I'm not sure what my question is and maybe I'm just looking for reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. It's not a matter any more of if I need him. I don't think I want him. I feel guilty because I have been his only safety net. I feel guilty. I don't want him to spiral out of control. What do I do now?

Answer 1

You are doing the right thing. You also need to consider that your kids need to see a positive example of you making a tough decision from which everyone will benefit.

You can't continue down this path with your husband. He is the only one who can determine that he's had enough and that he's ready to stay sober. You don't need to apologize for how you feel, or justify your decision. You have done all that you can to save your marriage. Now you need to save yourself and your family, and give all of you the happy life you deserve.

Answer 2

Yours is not at all an unusual situation. Sad...but true.

First and foremost you have to understand that taking care of you and your kids are your top priority. It seems you do not have an abusive husband as often goes alone with this and that is good.

If you have fallen out of love and lost respect there is nothing he can do to ever bring that back. You could hang in there for the rest of your life taking care of him but that will never ever change.

Your husband is a very weak man. That goes along with what you say about him. Life is just well beyond him and when it gets a bit worse he must medicate.....drink.....himself out of it.

While it is possible for him to get off the drink for a time he will always go back when things go wrong. After 5 years you know this is true.

One thing we all have the hardest time understanding is that the only person we are truly responsible for is ourselves. In the end no one else will be there for us like we should be. So please do not feel guilty when you leave. You are not responsible for how he got this way so you can't possible be responsible for what happens when you leave.

There are some men that begin going to AA and turn their life around. Actually become responsible members of society. But they would be the first to tell you the problem is always with them. It never ever goes away. Just the way addiction is.

Try your very best to get him to go to AA before you leave. Somehow this must be separate from your leaving. If you use the threat of leaving to make him go to AA and seek help it leaves the hope that if he does you will stay. You can't allow that, it has to be for himself not to keep you. This may be the hardest thing you have ever had to do in your life but you must.

To try to relieve some of your guilt do your very best to get him help first. Makes no difference if he does or not you must make a good like for you and your children. Do not let your guilt prevent that.

Always remember this: You did not cause this.....you have done far more than some women would to help him.....but you are not his parent.

Answer 3

I am so sorry for you and your children. Your husband is an alcoholic, and until he admits it and agrees to get help for his addition, things will continue to get worse and worse. You have chosen to live only half of a life because of his addition, and how much more are you willing to give up? Your children deserve to have a happy and safe home in which they feel secure and protected. This cannot be attained in a home with an addict. If you have reached the point where you cannot stay in this relationship or situation; you need to take your children and continue on your own. It is not easy to leave someone you love, but he obviously has no respect for himself or you and your children if he cannot get this addition taken care of. You will feel guilty, but you are not a nurse or doctor or therapist and cannot truly help him with his addition. Think of your children, and how difficult it is for them; and you will have your answer. If your husband can admit his addiction, and can transform himself into the husband you need, and the father your children; you may have another chance in the future. You have to make the break for yourself and your children. This may also be the jolt that your husband needs to make changes and become a recovering alcoholic....remember there is no such thing as a cure, or a non-alcoholic. I have several friends who battle alcohol additions, for themselves and loved ones and it is a lifelong struggle. Your husband needs to change and grow for himself, and only then can his life improve and be more normal. He has to become educated in other methods to deal with stress, other than drinking. Best of luck to you all.

Answer 4

If your husband is not willing to commit himself to a center for help and stay in a program, leave him! I was married to an alcoholic. He had been sober for seven years when we met and started drinking again. He became verbally abusive to the point I had to call the law on him. He would not do anything to help himself and it is his choice! It has nothing to do with you. Do not feel guilty. It is his life and if he refuses help or to help himself, there is nothing you can do but get out. You will be much happier and better off without him in the future. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

This is probably the first heart-felt and real problem/question that isn't basically trivial, or here just for fun. He obviously needs you and has issues he has never really dealt with, but you are right... you are not the one who should have to shoulder his weaknesses for the rest of your life. My opinion is that it is time to deliver an ultimatum and to demand an instant change in his behavior or ... I am not a qualified professional, so take my advice with a grain. I wish the best for you, your children, and yes even your husband.

Answer 6

Part of being co-dependent is feeling that you are his "only" safety net. That kept my mom with my raging alcoholic father for 25 years. She regretted not leaving after he died. He really messed up his kids and caused so much pain. I dont care if alcoholism is a disease - my childhood was stolen from me because of it. I would hate to think that is happening to your kids. I can't tell you what to do - only what happened to me and my experience and maybe that will help you understand where your children might be coming from.
Very best wishes to you and your family. I know you are struggling! God's blessings to you, too!

Answer 7

Leave him.

I was an alcoholic.

From my personal experience your husband will not be able to sort himself out all the time people are helping him.
He needs to be abandoned by his family and hit rock bottom,it will then hopefully shock him into finding help.

It may not work,but then he is no use to you at the moment.

I know people will not agree with my advice/suggestion ,but the action worked for myself and 4 other people that I know personally

Answer 8

DANG! With all that pressure it would drive anyone to drink. He had to fight to stay on the wagon, fight to try and get you and his family back, fight to try and get back into the work force, fighting the guilt associated with an estranged family members death. Why is it that if a man decides to be a stay at home mom others look at him like a deadbeat? You said he kept the house, raised the kids, went to their activities etc... Is that not what a stay at home mom does? She is not considered a deadbeat, why? Cut the guy some slack before you push him over the edge. I am a working father, I do half of the house work, I take the kids to practice, games and attend their school function when I can, at least more than my wife does. It is a lot of pressure.

Answer 9

you dont need to feel guilty anymore. it sounds like you've already made the important decision to move on with your life by telling him that he needs to be out of the house. that's the first step. even though he doesnt provide for your family now he will have to if you decide to divorce him.

Answer 10

As bad as it hurts, the only way he will stop drinking is when he hits rock bottom. , he can't do it for the kids, you, or family, he must do it for himself. once he does that, the rest will follow. but more than likely, he will have to hit rock bottom first, before he truly quits.it will be the hardest thing he has ever done, but if you have the will, you can beat it, there's no cure for alcoholism, but you can beat it...........I know, I have been sober for 18 years.