Frank was slammed into a wall and someone dragged his feet to a nearby car. He tried to cry for help but the person gagged him with a piece of tape. "Shut up, Frank. You can't escape anymore. This is your life, and you're just going to have to deal with it."
2006-10-10 02:49:26 · 8 answers · asked by CandyCorn 1 in Education & Reference ➔ Words & Wordplay
My rewrite:
White-hot pain erupted behind Frank’s eyes as his body was slammed into a wall. Gristly hands snapped like claws around his ankles, dragging his body to a nearby car. Grasping at the ground, Frank dug his fingernails into the pavement until his fingertips were raw and bleeding. Terror and desperation gripping him, he tried to cry out in vain. The unknown assailant sealed his lips and stifled his voice with a piece of tape. “Shut up, Frank,” the aggressor spat at him. “This is the life you’ve chosen for yourself. Face your consequences!”
I might have gone a little overboard, but I like imagery quite a bit. I think it helps build the suspense and intense emotion of the character. Try having a thesaurus on hand (or on-line). It helps so much!
2006-10-10 03:31:18 · answer #1 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
frank slammed into a wall and was dragged by his feet to a nearby car, where he was gagged with tape.
"Shut up, Frank. You can't escape anymore. This is your life, and you're just going to have to deal with it."
2006-10-10 10:22:11 · answer #2 · answered by donya d 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Frank was slammed hard into a nearby wall and when he hit the ground, someone grabbed him roughly by his feet and dragged him to the car. Before he could cry for help, he was silenced by a swath of tape being forcibly slapped across his mouth.
"Shut up, Frank. I don't know what kind of position you think you're in, but you can't escape anymore. Welcome to your miserable life Frank. You're going to have to deal with it head on now."
2006-10-10 09:59:13 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Only minor changes here:
1. It gives a different picture to say that 'someone dragged his feet' than to say 'someone dragged him by his feet.'
2. 'the person gagged him' sounds like it happened after Frank tried to cry for help, so I think 'the person had gagged him' shows that he was already gagged when he tried to cry for help.
Thanks for making it clear that this is your own composition. From the two excerpts I've seen it does look interesting.
The changes that someone above did do make it sound more emphatic and dramatic with the embellishments, however, though a couple of them look good, a couple of the others are not improvements. "This is your life" is good enough. The transition made between the slamming and the dragging improves that. The difference is the use of adjectives and adverbs..
2006-10-10 10:02:09 · answer #4 · answered by mary_n_the_lamb 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
How re-written do you want it?
Frank was thrown brutally into a wall and collapsed to the ground. Someone grabbed his feet (none too gently, either) and dragged him to a nearby car, where they dropped him just as gently as they'd picked him up. He opened his mouth and tried to yell but felt a sharp pain in his temple as he was kicked in the head by his assailant. "Shut up, Frank," said a voice as he felt his mouth being gagged with the rubbery bitterness of duct tape. "You can't escape anymore." The gagging finished, his head was dropped back to the ground where it thudded painfully onto the pavement. "This is your life--you chose it, remember?--and you...are just...going to have....to deal with it." Each pause was accentuated by a fresh kick to his ribs, his stomach, and a final blow to the head brought the lights down slowly enough to see the black mask his attacker was wearing.
Frank didn't get to see the knife.
~Scottie
P.S. I probably overdid it. Hope I helped a little, though. Is Frank even supposed to die? Ah well. :-)
2006-10-10 10:06:39 · answer #5 · answered by Scott T 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Someone slammed Frank roughly and face-first into a wall, and another someone tripped hi up and dragged him by his feet to a nearby waiting car. He tried to call out for help but one of the men sealed his mouth with a thick piece of duct tape. "This'll shut you up, Frank," aid the man, his mouth close to frank's ear. "No more 'scapin' for you no more. No way, man. This, now, is your life Franky, and you're jusy gonna hafta deal with it, eh?"
2006-10-10 10:43:52 · answer #6 · answered by The Mystic One 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I din't say thats mine!!!!!!!!!!!
2006-10-10 11:18:30 · answer #7 · answered by indian 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
is it mine?
2006-10-10 09:57:55 · answer #8 · answered by dvishwas 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋