My boyfriends 15 year old daughter is acting out at him.?

Question

She has been very disrespectful to him, she doesn't listen to what he says, and she throws fits until she gets her way. It is breaking his heart and mine as well. She gets everything she asks for, just about, she sure doesn't go without anything, but yet she treats her dad like dirt. I told him that she is used to it being just the two of them, and then here I come and invade her space, I know deep in my heart that that is the problem, any advice? I don't bud into their relationship, in fact I told her right from the beginning that if she wanted time alone with her dad all she had to do was say so. She doesn't say anything, she won't go anywhere with us, we wanted to take her to the movies Friday night, she said she didn't want to go, so she stayed home. When we got home we found her in bed with her boyfriend, her dad asked her what was going on and she just rolled her eyes at him and acted like she ran the house and how dare he say anything to her. PLEASE HELP!!!!!

Answer 1

Well, you certainly stepped yourself in to a tight knit group.

If she's the only child, she's used to being the center of attention.
And I have to say, if her father allows her stay home alone and does little because she's in bed with her boyfriend...then half the problem is his any ways.

Naturally you are the outsider and there will be some - very small - amount of jockying for position.

You are going to have to work extra hard to compliment his parenting style...or agree mutually (you and him) to stay out of it for awhile.

As a single parent myself, I always feel that because my kids are awesome (meaning respectful and polite) that it must have been my parenting style...
which is fatal in relationships with single mom's who really use their single mom-hood as special license and authorization to prove their life is somehow unimagineably more difficult than any other human beings.

My best advice is...you can't fight his battle.
All three of mine are early teens and I sometimes get a smart mouth...but I have clear boundaries and there are usually consequences for violating them.

You are the adult and you both (you and daughter) recognize you will never be "mother".
So be friends...be better than friends...
but it starts with you...the adult.

Take a friendly - not controlling - interest in what she does for fun and enjoyment (besides sex). If she plays an instrument, attend her concerts and recitals.

Keep positive commentary on the things she says and does (beyond sleeping with her boyfriend).
IE - if she wears something dad doesn't approve of and he puts his foot down; at least recognize her independant choice and interesting sense of style.

Once you've developed some trust and start to see signs of some respect...reward these with concessions...
IE if she tells you your earrings look really cool - if you sense she's being sincere...offer to lend them to her if she'd ever like to borrow them.

Be patient and tolerant...

good luck

Answer 2

I understand your problem very much as I too am a step mom. I was 18 my future husband was 38, and he was divorced with a seven year old and a three year old (both girls) The younger one was better as she hadn't had a lot of time with her father, but the older was very cold and spiteful. She was 12 when we announced we were going to get married and her reaction was not good. I like you told her that I wasn't going to take her daddy away, just becoming part of her family. She went through the teenage brat stage, the back answering stage, the trying desperately to shock stage, the I'm going to get back at the step-mom by making a voodoo doll stage, and every other stage you can think of, it was all to get her dad all to herself. When 10 years later, she got a boyfriend, got married and had a child did she change, she became closer to her father then ever before, and now has absolute respect for me. It took time, but now we all all very close. Unfortunately the only advice I can give is too be patient, but be there for her if she needs to talk. It can be quite painful watching, especially when you love her father, and see the hurt in his eyes, but just hang in there, eventually she WILL see that dad too needs a life and deserves to be happy.
Best wishes.

Answer 3

yes, she is feeling crowded by you being there, but she seems to get what she wants when she wants it and she is using you as the perfect excuse to do so. dad needs to step up and remember who is the parent/adult here. until she contributes to half of the household funds then she can have say,but for now she doesn't. dad needs to put restrictions on her and show her what respect is and she needs to learn it. for one boyfriend would not be allowed over there and she would have to go with you two when you leave or choose to so something when she is in school. take away phone privleges and set time limits,like only 30 minutes a day until she learns to act her age and show repect, not act likje a 2 yr old throwing tantrums. set a chore list of like 2 things a day and do not include cleaning her room in that , ,because afterall this is her room nobody helps her mess it but herself but make her keep it up. i have 3 girls myself and if they even attempt to throw a fit they loose all privleges for a day. they have chores to do and i do not pay them,,it is considered a family working together to accomplish something that we all contributed to dirty. i do not make them say mam or sir to us but they do know to use their manners to other people espically their elders. they get what they need in life as an everyday aspect first,,then if it something that they want we consider it the out come of what they will do with that in 2-4 months --will they still have the same intrest in it--if not then they do not get it,,as far as their rooms go ---if i have to clean it --i get to throw away what ever i think they do not need or i do not want them to have..if they complain that i envaded their space and privacy --i let them know they lost that when they did not do what they were told and again they loose all privleges for the day..LOOSING privelges hurts worse than an actual punishment ,,because this cuts them off form all their friends and the outside and have to stay home all day and do nothing they want ,,but instead what they need to do.
other than that all i can say is good luck.. it will be hard for a while to put down rules and she will rebel a little more ,,but i would rather do that than see her in jail in a yr or worse to me pregnant and not wven know who the father is and you having to raise a grandchild for her. do something now if you have to include a counselor into the whole family remember you live there now so you are a part of this family.

Answer 4

I think this is too complicated to find a simple solution on here. It sounds like Dad and child need some help and fast. They need some family counseling, if money is a problem Catholic Charities or Lutheran Social Services can be of assistance.
And you need to let the two of them work it out, so if they go to counseling together don't feel left out. It sounds like the girl is screaming for attention. I think in the end you being unselfish and not feeling threatened by their relationship will be a big help. You sound very mature and caring. Good Luck

Answer 5

u poor thing, my 15yr old stepdaughter acted out too, when i came on the scene, but in a different way, she started to eat with her hands like an animal at the table, swearing really badly for no reason, talking about inappropriate things like vaginal discharge to us (she had never done it before) it was almost like she would do anythign to get her dads full on attention
I made sure they had lots of alone time together, funny thing was she wanted to be alone with me, it was all very taxing, trying not to react etc
To be honest we just put up with it till she left home at 19. it never got any better, she even does it now when she visits with her husband, she is now 26, she will lapse into baby talk etc,
Dont have an answer for u , but wanted u to know that its not unusual
But the boy in bed thing is a worry, I did put my step daughter on the pill cos I found out she was sexually active, her dad just refused to believe it, I didnt want a pregnant teen on our hands
I know that there is probably some mental thing to do with competition/not having dads affection the same etc, But anyone whoes lived with it wil know how hard it can be

Answer 6

You need to tell her you have rights and you are human too. Because, plainly and honestly- YOU ARE!!!!

Try setting up a new route round things. Have dinner healthy green veg and make her eat it all or a punishment comes her way. She may be a moody, mardy 15 year old girl but she;s still a child and her father still has custody of her.

Change your door locks- yes it may be expensive but its worth not giving her a key so she can't leave the house- unless she knows how to cilmb.

Set her some rights, sure she'll hate you for a bit but you need to have some faith in yourself. You haven't got long before she leaves for college and eventually leaves altogether. Sit her down, talk to her, tell her how you want theings to be and how she's breaking your heart. As she's a girl you might talk to her. Tell her: her dad is crying she's upsetting him so much, can't she pay a little respect." It's your duty as much as her's and you boyfriend's.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I have been there and believe me it does not get better. Your boyfriend will have to take control of the situation. If she does not accept you now, she probably never will. She will not quit until you leave. That is what she wants. It is your decision to stay or go, I stayed and he is my husband now. His daughter is 28 now and she will not come and visit us at our home. I do not get invited to any of her children's birthdays and my husband has to go to her house to see her. I don't know how long you have been seeing this guy or how much you care about him but I would really think about the outcome before becoming too involved. I really thought she would accept me as she got older, but she Say's that she never will.

Answer 8

she is just a typical teenager, my advise do what my parents did to me when i behaved like that a good hiding always did the trick - lol!

she is doing it just for attention and needs love. i am going to give you a web address to go to, it is about the five love languages for kids, teens and even adults read the true stories, get the book and practice to speak her love language she most probably does not feel her dads love and that is why she is behaving like this.

hope it works and good luck

Answer 9

I am sorry, Missy, he created this little monster, spoiled and the rest, so it is not any of your business. He will have to handle it. If you are ever thinking about getting married, just keep your mouth shut, or you might not get married ever. When you become the girl's step mother, then you can add the input, in the mean time, just roll your eyes, and ignore it.

Answer 10

Discipline! She is young so I take it she gets money from her father? Take away that right if that is the case. Take away all priviledges and don't let her walk all over him! Tell her if she needs money she will have to work for it, if she needs transport she will have to pay for it with the money she has earned. Treat her like an adult and she may just have to start acting like one.