Help please.?

Question

I had arranged marriage while studying law. Then everything felt perfect & fine. But I found him arrogant & stubborn. My parents said that it will get alright with time. He is earning well in a multinational. Immediately after studies I concieved. Now my baby is 1&half yrs. My husband got promotion and is very busy. He travels alot and when at home spends all day working on the computer. I have become his PA or servant. All I do all day is cook, clean and take care of the baby. I have no time for hobbies or reading or taking care of myself. I am completely dependent on him. He doesnt take notice of me anymore. We have good sex and that is all. When I try talking to him he says that I am very negative and selfish & ungrateful.This is what all mothers do and you are feeling bad about it! He has even started screaming at me for little things. He ignores me when at home & keeps working. I want to start practising but will he adjust as it will make me busy? He has no respect for me.Pls help

Answer 1

Well.. This happens in almost 70% of houses. Its not that we can't change people or they won't understand. Their priorities are different and once when you try to disturb them they'll get annoyed and behave in a strange way.

And moreover he's earing just for you and for your family only. He wants to make you two happy in that way. Talk to him in a good way about what you feel. Even if he gets angry, try to be calm and tackle the situation well.

You should be knowing him better and how to handle him. So do accordingly. Else try to help in his work and show that you're interested in that, may be that may work out. Initially he may say do your own work, never mind he's your husband. Slowly he'll start spending time with you too.

Set the bird freely when you really want it to come back to you. If you try to hold it tight, it'll also try to escape and will never come back to you.

Answer 2

From the way you describe the situation I don't believe that your husband will adjust. If you do go back to practicing or even mention it he more than likly will use your child against you. He will tell you that the womans place is in the home with the child. (I could be off base here, but this is what I sense from the details in your question.)

It seems to me that this man would have known that you were in school which meant you would be seeking work, married to him or not.

Personally I wouldn't care if he got mad or even left me. I am a single Mom I work and I go to college full time. My son gets upset at times because we don't get alot of time together. That is ok and in the future it will pay off. It can be hard at times but what the future holds is far more important than my past with ex-husband.

I had choices, I could have stayed with a man who made great money and been un-happy for the rest of my life, and possibly taken out my frustration on my son. (Verbally which can be just as devestating as physical. ) I am not saying that I would have cut my son down, but I may of had an attitude and a snappy personailty.

I am not saying you would behave in this manner for we are two different people and will handle stress in different ways.

I believe you have more of a dream then being a house wife,mother. That is perfectly ok. Being a Mom is a difficult job and working on top of it can get quite stressful at times. (It's not always easy, but I am more happy this way.) I like to know that I am independent rather then dependent.

First I would speak to him about this and see what he has to say about you working. For all you know maybe he has been acting the way he has been because he is stressed about working and you not working. It is possible.

After you see how he reacts then you can go from their and make your decision.

Good luck

Answer 3

thats the result of arranged marriage..

Sometimes parents does not realized something before they will make a decision for their son.daughters. They just think, "HE WILL BE GOOD TO YOU IN TIME" but who will know about it? Until you are already in that situation and then you will find yourself miserable.

In your case, try to get a good nanny or someone that you know..and practice your profession, in this case you will gain your self confidence and self esteem again.. Just do not forget your responsibility as a mother and a wife.. Its difficult to be a multi task but if you did not do it, you will waste all the scarifice youve made when you are a student.. Remember, it is worth staying at home and be submissive to a man, if he appreciate the things you do. If you let him do it, time will come you will find yourself more dependent and you can no longer build your self esteem anymore..

If he ask you why, tell him what you feel. Theres is nothing cant be resolved in a good talk..

Answer 4

I am unsure what country you live in, but if you are in the US, there should be more freedom for you. If there is no risk of physical abuse from him, why don’t you start to practice law? If you are already miserable in your marriage and he becomes unhappy about your going to work… your marriage is already bad, right? Be respectful in your words toward him, hire someone to come in and keep your house clean once a week and cook his favorite foods on the weekend. Continue your good sexual relationship; touch him with kindness when you are home in the evenings. As you grow in your work and receive affirmation from people outside of your home, his attitudes in your marriage will seem less powerful over you. They will cause you less pain if you are receiving “heart food” from other sources. If you can, understand that you are only responsible for your words, actions and attitudes and if he is cranky, he owns that. Try and let his negative attitude not cause you to be downhearted. Have compassion and feel sorry for him that he is living a life in the way he does… and at the same time, make a better life for yourself. Gandhi said “Healthy discontent is the prelude to progress” so let your discontent drive you to make new choices for your life. I wish you all the best!

Answer 5

No need to panick. Hey we are in 2006 and you have studied law. Get up and grow!!! Your baby is already 18 months old and if your parents are willing to help you may leave your baby during the day with them. If they live far away get yourself a maid during the day to look after the house and the baby. Make arrangements so that you may work and depend upon yourself. Only then shall you see how your husband will react. Think about yourself for once and stop thinking how others will react with your decision......Have these persons be it your husband or your parents ever thought how you feel by not living by yourself and not having to depend solely upon your husband. I am not asking you to divorce or ruin your marriage. Simply live your life.

Take care.

Answer 6

In a million years I will never understand the cultural aspect differences and the acceptances of arranged marriages. In the mid-eastern countries the practices of arranged marriages is very prominent. In the year 2006 this practice should be outlawed. Women are nothing more than a vessel for sex and to be dominated and controlled by the spouse. The spouse is almost like a "HITLER" dictating to the spouse what she can and can not do and is so wrapped up in himself that he forgets to consider that there is another human being that he is abusing by his outword voice. He is also hurting the children produced out of this loveless relationship.

If you stand up to this man and be your own woman.....by doing the things that you want to do....You more than likely will have to endure more emotional and possibly physical abuse.

You are the one that needs to make the decisions as to what you want out of YOUR life. If you are residing in the US with this spouse.....stand up to him....911 for help is just a telephone call away.

You've allowed him to control you from the very onset of the relationship. You both should be a team and make decisions together. Once a spouse gets the idea that he has the upper hand and the control he'll continue to do it and take advantage of you and your time.

Maybe he's as miserable as you are and figures if he verbally abuses you, you'll get sick and tired of it and leave him. IF you decide to leave...you make sure you have $$$$$ and employment to support yourself and your child!

Answer 7

You have your own life to live.Remember God has given one life.We surely donot know what is next.Your situation seems to be for most comman for Indian women who are facing similar situation.How strong are you? What do you want to do in your life?Besides you have your child with you.Indian culture is great.I being an Indian living in usa,I repect our culture a lot but not on someone's cost where freedom is not given.He seems too busy but has a bad attitude towards you that will hinder your progress.
You are Law graduate.You should have your independent thinking in a positive manner.If you cannot live in this kind of society,think of leaving,come to USA.Hope sex is not your ultimate goal in life.Life to lived to enpower other people's life, to do that you have to straighten your life first.I love my Indian people and help them to acheive their goals in life no matter where I live.I am working on that todate to given any help they want.USA is a great country.I donot care whatever people talk about but here there are no social barriers,lots of opportunities, good education.Yes there are good and bad things about everything.You choose what you want.Decision is yours.I know a similar couple lived in New Jersey.
You may email me :[e-mail] for further assistance.
God Bless you.

Answer 8

DEAR DIP...YOUR DISSATISFACTION STEMS FROM THE FACT THAT YOU WERE AMBITIOUS PRIOR TO YOUR MARRIAGE..(THATS WHY YOU WERE PURSUING LAW) BUT YOU GOT MARRIED AND INITIALLY IT WAS NICE FOR YOU..BUT NOW YOU ARE IN A ..NOW WHAT SITUATION'
YOU WANT TO WORK AND DO YOU YOUR OWN BIT...BUT ASK YOURSELF THIS QUESTION...TAKING CARE OF YOUR CHILD AND YOUR HOME..IS NOT YOUR OWN BIT...REMEMBER WOMEN ARE HOME MAKERS FIRST...BREAD EARNERS LATER IF SITUATION PERMITS...MAKE YOUR HOME ...HUBBY AND CHILD YOUR FIRST PRIORITY...YOUR PAIN WOULD CERTAINLY BECOME LESS...ALSO DON'T GET INTO EGO HASSLES AND YOU DON'T BECOME YOUR HUSBANDS SECRETARY IF YOU ASSIST HIM A BIT ...THE SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM IS WITHIN YOUR MIND...TRY ACCOMMODATING A BIT MORE AND I AM SURE IN THE END YOUR WILL BE A PROUD WIFE...MOTHER AND EVEN A GRANDMOTHER SOME DAY...

Answer 9

This are common problems occar in few cases. As your husband have superiority complex due to his good service & promotions. Do not take this as negative. you told you have good sex so that time he is very close to you. Pls write one note on what is youe exceptation from him & keep in his pocket. also tell him this during sex play. Once he will read it in free time in office & understand your problem. Then every night before sex discuss issues one by one. Dont allow to have sex unless every night 1 issue is discussed. if nothing is discussed then NO SEX.
Try this for 1 month & i think you will find improvement. If you want any more consultation you can send me e-mail. Dont loose caurage & best of luck to you.

Answer 10

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