no loving in my relationship?

Question

i have been married for 4 years, we have sex proberly once every 1 or 2 months. I cant bring myself to have sex. Im a loving and cuddley person, my husband, doesnt cuddle, hold hands and has only kissed me properly on our wedding day, he hates kissing. I thought i would be ok with this, but im struggling. even when im upset or crying he just walks away he cant handle effection. So after time ive stopped having sex with him, he might aswell leave me 10 pounds on the side of the table thats what it feels. Im getting more angery everyday about it, i cant bring myself to show any effection towards him now. i feel like ive been married 60 years. its scaring me as i dont want us to split, but everytime he has a drink he brings up not having sex and i know what he was like before i married him bla bla bla. his parents have had 8 kids and they dont show him any attention so im blaming them what do you think i should do..... Ive really gone off sex....

i have 2 children 3 and 4 years old. ive asked him to change and he did try, but he goes back to his old ways. he admits he has a problem. he blames his parents. im not fat or ugerly so it wouldnt have anything to do with that. i have a massive heart. we have been off and on for 10 years before we got married. he has always been unloving, BUT i need some kind of loving. He is a perfect dad though ill give him his credit he is fantastic with the children. im really confused.

Answer 1

He might need to talk to a professional, ask him if he is willing to go. Then maybe you guys can go together.

Talk to him and let him know how you feel.

Answer 2

I want to know why do you wish to stay in this relationship? If there is no love there is no point. Being happy is what every one needs and sex in a relationship is not just sex it is emotion, it is loving, caring, cuddling it is a whole bunch of things in one. It is not just wham bam thank you ma'am... You need to find a way to bring the love back if you want to save it. That will start with you speaking to him and telling him that you can not live in a marriage with no emotions. You need effection, we all do from time to time and his family raising him that way is not an excuse. Maybe he is not as cuddly as the next guy because of it but he is grown now and knows what is right and wrong.. So decide stay with him and start to change the way life is or just change the life all together by getting out of the marriage..

Answer 3

Why don't you want to split up? It doesn't sound as though you have much of a marriage.

Right now you are not giving him any reason to change. Why should he make an effort, when you are obviously willing to give in and put up with him the way he is?

You need to put your foot down. Make sure your life together is a two-way street - if he wants something from you, insist he gives you something in return (preferably, first!). That should apply to all aspects of your life, not just this one. If he won't do his share, don't give in - otherwise he will never change.

You both need to see a therapist, and I'm sure he won't want to do that. You need to let him know that if this problem isn't solved, the marriage is going to be over. If he doesn't seem worried about that, then maybe you should take the hint....

Answer 4

I always found that the foundation is love most of all. What I mean by love is, acceptance of who you are, and the soul mate God intended you to be with. Trust is the other. You have to learn trust. Trust is something that comes in time . Forgiveness is a ongoing and a must. Not just for your mate, but also for yourself. Compassion and insitivity of each others feelings. Last but not least.....Respect. Without respect, you cant do the above. I love your question. I have had to battle this for myself and my relationships alot. Wisdom shows us the way on this journey. Be bless my friend.

Answer 5

I think you have to ask if the relationship has warmth in it in other ways. Sometimes people don't have sex but they have all the other things a relationship should have. If your relationship has all the other things in it then you need to either address the issue of sex, decide you can be ok with things as they are for now, or else consider that they may not ever get better.

I think you should forget about his parents while you're mulling over this matter. It doesn't matter if they made him like he is or not at this point, and thinking about that is just one more thing to muddle the picture. The other thing is blaming them means you're not blaming him, yourself, or the marriage - and all three could be the real cause (or part of it).

If at all possible, it would seem you should try to see if you can go to a couples counselor. If he'll go with you it means he wants to try to make things better. For all you know, if you get to a counselor to discuss the relationship that counselor may suggest either or both of you see someone for your own issues as well.

You could also (if you haven't already) try having a calm, cool, discussion with your husband to try to get a reading on what the real problem is and whether he sees it as fixable at all.

I think people can be in a situation like yours and be willing to try to hang in there because they don't want to split up; but if this goes on too long you may reach a point where you start to look at the rest of your life and imagine it being like it is forever; and that can get scary too. Finally, people just get to the point where there is no more deciding what to do and they know the only option is to split up.

I think all you can do is try to talk to him, try to get to a counselor, and use this time right now to try to really look at your relationship and ask if its otherwise what a relationship should be. You can want to save the relationship but if he doesn't you can't do it alone.

I notice that you say when you're upset or crying he just walks away and that he can't handle affection. It looks to me like he can't deal with being supportive of you. That's a problem right there. I've seen experts on television who say that many couples don't have a lot of sex, but they have good relationships on their own terms. Is there any chance he could be gay? A lot of men get married and try to ignore their natural inclinations; and it ends up that the marriage isn't what its supposed to be.

You probably have to just figure out if this can be fixed, and if it cannot be fixed ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Ask if you feel you deserve better or if he deserves better. There are no easy answers for you right now. If he's acting like an aloof clod you aren't going to be interested in sex with him.

Its good you've looked on here for some kind of answers (or in the case of my reply, feedback that isn't necessarily a solution). You are far from alone in your situation. Maybe you should post another question, asking women in our situation why they've stayed or what made them leave. If nothing else, you will learn that you are not alone.

To be gut-instinct blunt: I don't see things getting better. I think you may have to give it your best shot at trying to take some action, but I'm not sure how often things go back to how they used to be once they've changed. I do think many men are willing to just exist in that type of relationship forever, resenting you the whole time. That's not something you want to happen either.

Best wishes. I wish I could have thought up a better answer for you; but since I couldn't I figured I'd just be as objective as possible - and maybe just let you know someone saw your question and understands your empty situation right now.

Answer 6

Don't blame his parents, him, OR yourself. Sometimes people just don't work out with each other, but it's not the end of the world. You split up, you get over it, you move on with your life, and if you're open to taking another chance you may well meet somebody that IS right for you.

Answer 7

When sex leaves the bedroom, the marriage follows. If he has a problem, tell him to go see a therapist or get counselling for the two of you. If you want to save the marriage, do it. If he doesn't do anything about it, then you know how much he values the relationship.

Answer 8

As he says, you knew what he was like before you married him.
Did you even know him at all??? Does he even want to change?
If not, you're fighting a losing battle, and your anger will continue to grow. What on earth gave you the idea you would be ok minus affection??? Get out while you still have your sanity!

Answer 9

If there is no love there is no relationship.It sounds like you're opposites & theres nothing there for you.I hope there are no children yet so you can get away from hem & find someone who actually cares about you. It takes 2 pulling together to have a life.

Answer 10

Wow, you really have a problem there! How about going for counseling? Suggest it to your husband. If he doesn't agree then ask if he has another suggestion. Point is, he has to know that you are bothered by your situation and that you want to make things better with regards to it. See how he reacts.

Answer 11

Oh dear, you do sound like you are in a loveless marriage. I assume you have no kids! You're not likely to conceive any at your rate. Why don't you divorce the creep and find someone to love you. You describe yourself as 'cuddly', does that mean you are fat?