Am I wrong for giving up?

Question

I've tried being nice to my mother in law since we've been married and she was actually ok at first. since last holiday season she's managed to tell me off about my wanting to have children, never thank me or my husband for the mother's day gift I sent her, and always seems to surface and gripe at me when me and my husband have an argument. she used to call my cell phone looking for him but never says hello to me. what happened? and am I wrong for just not saying anything to her when he talks to her now? Doesn't sound like I can say or do anything right so I just don't try at all (without any attitude)

Answer 1

Well, you have my empathy. I was married 14 years and with my ex husband 17 years and had the mother in law from hell.

Forgive me but I went on a sad trip down memory lane on my own horrible mother in law...please bear with me, hear my story and then I will get to you, OK? This is cathartic.

She constantly criticized me...once when I was a few minutes late for church she told me it was a "slap in the face to
God"

She criticized me for not ironing her son's shirts telliong me how awful and lazy I was (she ironed them before but kept her house like a total pigsty) I kept my house up...I told her I did a lot of other things for him and he was old enough to iron his won shirts.

She loved to cook and always seemed insulted if my ex complimented me on anything I cooked.

She is dead now and I have been divorced for 22 years and forget most of the many things she did to me, but I do remember thinking all the time what a bi-ch she was and how mean she was...mthis is my lasting memory of her.

She was totally unaffectionate to her kids once telling me she hugged her son in another state (her favorite) more since he was gone than all her kids put together their whole life..since she had 5 kids, it worked out to less than 2 hugs per child per lifetime..no wonder my ex had so many problems showing emotions and affection (other than sex)...which was a big problem in the marriage.

I remember her own daughter saying at one of my kids birthday picnic's how nice my mom was (she wasn't that much even) and how her mom and sister were all sour and acted like stick in the muds. (yes, they did..always had sour ol look on thier aface klike they disapproved of everything..hated the parties cause I went all out..told me how she never got her kids much (and implied this was how it should be.

She got very very angry when I bought my sons a lot of toys for Christmas..I could rarely do right in her eyes...and I was a very nice and sweet person then...still am I am told but I really was then.

I remember once she doled out a half bowl of soup to her 3 grand-kids (all skinny as can be) who lived with her and gave them half a corn on the cob while she loaded up her plate with 8 or nine corns and when they asked for more to eat, she refused them. (thoughthere was plenty left).

I was so nice to her and once wrote Iawonderful letter to her (in vain) trying to fix things between us (even my ex scared to death with the thought of me giving her a letter) said how nice and considerate and mature the letter was and how good and sensitive it was..nothing helped..she remained the mean, bitter woman from hell she always was..

When he left me for another woman, she told me I wasn't welcome in her house for Christmas (it was days before "
Christmas when he told me he wanted a divorce and I had all my nieces and nephews presents) when she yelled YOU are NOT WELCOME in my hiouse to mess up my Christmas, it cut me like a knife..my legs grew weak...

She said it was a darn shame we were like horses pulling in opposite direction..she was angry about the divorce (that he initiated and I did not want as I did not believe in divorce)

I was faithful to the man 17 years though he was never there and worked every day (by choice) except a few Sundays which he spent at moms..my kids NEVER got to see him...they stayed up waiting every day till they eyes couldn't stay open anymore..

He took one vacation in 17 years I had to tkae kids camping and stuff myself or they would never get to go), but never made any money (less than $000 which was low poverty income even back then)..although he could fix anything, he let the kitchen roof nearly cave in from a sink malfunction upstairs and 5 windows were broken in the winter with plastic on them..this was a construction man who literally knew how to fix anything but he never would.

And I had to hear her act like the breakup was my fault..it was me who reared kids that got in Who's Who among American High School Students multiple years (1/2 of nation's teens get this honor)...it was me who reared the younger child who was good citizen of the year 5 years in a row.

It was him who cheated and worked and made nothing from his company that he failed at..who was never there till after 10 pm etc. or later...who never could drag himself away from work to his family. It was him who pulled in the opposite direction..not me

that witch..

Her oldest daughter called me up right after Christmas demanding all his baby pictures back (I essentially told her to f off that these were my kid's now)..

My mother in law and her family had the kids (nieces and nephews) calling the other woman Aunt Kay within a month of him leaving me for her (they are now married but lived together 2 years and forced me to bring my kids there which was against my values and a bad example, I thought)..

I thought them calling her "Aunt Kay" was very disrespectful...especially since we were still married (divorce took place several months later though he moved in with her I found out..) He probably told them he met her after he left me and lied about me and stuff..I am sure they believed wahtever he said.

At her funeral, Aunt Kay looked so angry I was there (what's 17 years huh?) She once told me how pissed she was that they had to give $25 a week per child child support for "my damn kids"...$25 a week is about the lowest you can give..he broke the decree and didn't pay medical or tuition or anything..takes my hisband and kid's father and complains about having to pay a trivial amount of child support..unbeleiveable..good riddance to them all..

The nieces and nephews were so happy to see me at the funeral (they were all grown up then--I lost them too) and told me I was their favorite aunt and were so nice to me..I tried to talk with "aunt Kay" and be nice..I felt it was respectful of me to come to my kid's grandma's funeral.

I remember thinking at the time that the one silver lining of the divorce was I would never have to see that awful, mean, unfriendly woman again...that was a joy.

Now about you..I can't believe she said that about you wanting kids..that is unbelievable...most future grandmas would be thrilled...very bad...

maybe she forgot the thank you..is it a consistent problem?

I guess she thinks by being on your husbands side in arguments, it will gain her points.

It is rude to not day hi and talk a few minutes at least when she calls.

I don't think you are wrong for not talking...no...but maybe a letter written in a very nice way to tell her how her actions upset you...if you do, show it to friends family and seek advice and do not mail it for at least 3 or 4 days to make sure it is a good letter..try to see the letter from her perspective...

I know my mom in law was angry as her son bought her a lot of expensive gifts like a stove and a couch before our marriage and now that he was married and had to pay for furniture and honeymoon and stuff, he couldn't buy her stuff.

But when you have kids, you do gain a new perspective, it is really hard to give up a child you love to someone else that essentially takes way your pride and joy...

parents always look to the past and kids to the future..parents want to hold on and kids want to let go,

Many mother in laws are jealous of the wives as they have want the mom wants--time and attention from their children...it is hard to be a mother in law I suspect...I think after you have kids you see things differently..it opens your eyes in a whole new way.

Also try to see how her childhood was a that plays a role. My mother-in-law from hell was an illegitimate child when that was a stigma in those days she was ignored by her mom and reared by a very cold grandfather and this played a key role in how she turned out.

I hope things improve what does your husband say?

I vowed never to be like her as I know how awful it was...I am scared as my son has been dating a girl I only met twice and both times, I didn't like her and there is a 98% chance he will marry her..he says he will...I worry as I don't want to be a bad mother in law.

Answer 2

mothers always have high expectations for there children. Nothing is ever good enough. Your best bet is to just leave matters alone, be the best to your ability so then you become the bigger person. Things are bound to change when she realize it's not her choice and no matter how much she becomes a.... a_s_s. You were still better then that.

Answer 3

Oh my goodness I HATE Mothers-In-Law! I have one i cant stand but more on the way she treat my husband olso she talks a lot of s*** on me for no reason! Mothers-In-law are usually like that because you took their children from them! I told my husband to tell his mother if she didnt start treating me better we were gonna stop talking to her and visiting her all together! It worked now she treats great takes us out for lunch etc!

Answer 4

I am married 27 yrs. and still have the same bioch mother in law now as I did then....took a long time for my husband to "see" the sneaky way she insulted me....I do not associate with her at all, and in fact 8 yrs ago wrote her a letter, and it was a good one let me tell you!!....Just cause she is my husbands mother, doesn't mean she isn't a person, who can manipulate, gossip, and start sh**....She is bad for my emotional, physical, and mental well being, so I stay away from her, and she is not welcome in my home...no loss...

Answer 5

I always say treat people the way you want to be treated...and if they don't return the respect then thats on them, they are the ones that need an attitude adjustment and chances are others realize that too....so good behavior will eventually group you with good company, and it won't be your fault that your mother inlaw won't be in that group.

Answer 6

I'm sorry but there is nothing you can do about that until she is ready to accept you. Just focus on what you and your husband have and make sure you support each other. And be as respectful as you can to his mom. Hopefully she will come around. But if not .as long as you know you didn't contribute to the bitterness. (kill em with kindness)

Answer 7

Nope your fine, and very normal. You just have something that most all of us have... an in-law from hell. Maybe sooner or later she will see how mean she can be and turn around... but all you can do is continue to be nice. The LAST thing you want to do is bring yourself down to her level and be mean to her also... You never want to do that.

Answer 8

You are wrong for putting up with it. She does it because she knows she can. YOu need to really have a big blow-out argument and set the boundary. If she crosses it------>out the door woman. Let her know where you stand and eventually she will come around (it may take years but oh, well)

Answer 9

No. Why doesn't he speak up and say anything about he way she's treating you or has he tried? If he's running to her when you have an argument he shouldn't be doing that.

Answer 10

i thinks so u are from india .in that case u cant change ur mother in law's ways of thinking but u can do one think make ur husband understand that wht u both want ritenow a child or money .......if he say we can manage all the things .......then u should give birth to nice sweet baby .............

Answer 11

Nope, you only need to be polite and respectful. I wouldnt' send her anything anymore, let your husband handle that she is his mom.