I think my future mother-in-law hates me. I don't know what I did, except take her baby boy away from her, but really thats all. I have always been polite and nice, always trying to make conversation, and I always am the first to smile. But she wont even talk to me unless her sons around, I dont know what to do? I want to have a relationship with her, but I am hurt from the way she is treating me. Do you have any suggestions about how I can fix this?
2006-10-09 15:25:00 · 7 answers · asked by ShOrTy 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Have you tried inviting her out to lunch (neutral ground) and actually talking with her? Be kind and unaccusing, but it may help clear the air. Let her know that you want to have a relationship with her and you're hurting with the way things are right now. Tell her that you actually like her and that's why you want to have a relationship with her. Maybe even throw in specific things you like about her.
It isn't an easy thing, asking someone why they have issues with you, but it may need to be done in this case. And you need to do it face to face, not over the phone. This will make it easier for the two of you to open up and be honest. At her home, she can busy herself with other tasks and tune you out. At your home, she can feel defensive. At a neutral location it puts both of you more at ease and it would be flat out rude for her to get up and walk away, and she will know that. A restaurant is the ideal place for something like this because there are other people around, also a little more comforting.
It would also help if you footed the bill, in fact, insist on it, no matter the price. When/if you invite her out for lunch, ask her where she would like to go (in front of other family members, namely her son. She'll probably be less likely to turn you down). If she doesn't answer you or tells you she doesn't want to go, slyly figure out a day when she definitely is free and make reservations at a nice restaurant for lunch and then call her and tell her that you know she's free on this day and you've made reservations for the two of you at whatever time.
I've had in-law problems of this nature before and this is how I handled it. It worked!! My in-laws and I are very good friends now. The key is to remain calm about whatever she says and try your hardest to look at everything from her perspective. It isn't easy, but no relationship is - especially with your in-laws!!
Good luck! I sincerely hope it all works out for you.
2006-10-09 16:05:37 · answer #1 · answered by Joy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I kind of like bozogirl's comments and agree with them, but I also think you would have to walk a fine line there, because if you are all agreeable and all, you're going to run the risk of showing her that you are submitting and opening the door to be a doormat.
So, I think bozo made some good suggestions for you, I think you have to be very keenly aware at how you go about it so it doesn't look like you are relinquishing your position with him.
I wish mothers would just relax and mind their own business in these situations. They're such a royal pain and don't do anything except cause problems for everyone. All they have to do is be nice.
I think you're doing about as much as you can do tho. You 'husband' should be tuned in, or tuning in to this and HELP you out instead of letting you flounder and flap about as you are.
Just keep going along and see how things go. Like bozo said tie will tell.
Give her the points.
Good luck to you.
2006-10-09 15:35:28 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get a book called "Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage" by Susan Forward. You're not married yet, but it might help you see what you're up against and ways to improve it before the marriage.
Maybe she's one of these: " The Critics.; ", who tell you what you're doing wrong, "The Controllers.;", who try to run you and your partner's life, " The Engulfers.;", who make incessant demands on your time, " The Masters of Chaos.;", who drain you and your partner with their problems, and, " The Rejecters.;", who let you know they don't want you as part of their family.
2006-10-09 15:30:34 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I doubt if it's you that she hates -- it's the thought of having less influence in her son's life (because wives trump mothers in good marriages).
A word of caution, mixed with encouragement: if your fiance regularly stands up to his mother when she's in the wrong and/or backs you up when you're right (especially when it means standing up to her), your marriage isn't guaranteed success but the odds are slim that your mother-in-law will derail it. If, however, he regularly gives in to her demands at your expense, you should seriously consider calling the wedding off. If he does that before you're married, he'll do it after.
2006-10-09 15:35:15 · answer #4 · answered by D'archangel 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't make relationships happen. Continue what you are doing, be nice, be helpful, clear the table, do the dishes, don't touch your boyfriend in front of her. Don't argue with him, and actually over do it, let her see you worship her son like she does. Time will hep.
2006-10-09 15:27:45 · answer #5 · answered by bozogirl123 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Probably you can't...\
Had the same problem for first l0 years of marriage...I tried everything I could think of to "make" her like me. Nothing worked.
Then one day, I thought...ENOUGH !...I had had it !
Amazingly enough...once I stopped trying we became good friends. I divorced her son many years ago after17 yrs of marriage, and we are still great friends. Go figure.
Good luck to you ! (and always take the high road !)
2006-10-09 15:34:23 · answer #6 · answered by moraine 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i have the same problem with my future mother in law. when you figure out the answer let me know b/c i have tried everything.
2006-10-09 15:40:24 · answer #7 · answered by umelme 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋