What should I do? I don't know if he really wants me back or if he just needs me to keep my l2 yr. old while he works and plays golf.....etc.... Like the 20 yrs. before....and I am also suspicious if he just doesn't want to give up any money. He has to divide everything fifty/fifty. If we stay together, then he won't have to share his retirement/401K or half the equity in the sale of the house or half of the contents of our house, etc... Does he love me for real and want me back? What if I agree to cancel the divorce and find out it WAS about the money? We have been in and out of court for 2 yrs. now. In the last six months, he transferred 1000 miles away from our hometown. He said if I wanted to be near our daughter and share custody then I had to move. So I quit my job and I have been living in a motel for 8 wks. now with my daughter. He was in a condo. Now he wants to move in the motel with us. Sleep in seperate beds of course. I don't love him. We ARE civil.
2006-10-09 15:17:20 · 17 answers · asked by lucy p 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
But that is all. No love. Alot of resentment for having to relocate. I feel like I have been manipulated and have no say. I feel like if I don't go along that I will lose my daughter. I found a HUGE child custody book in his library of law books that he got for the divorce.
2006-10-09 15:20:22 · update #1
My new boyfriend is now my exboyfriend. He couldn't understand my dilemma. I couldn't stay in one state and my daughter live in another. I couldn't just VISIT her in the summer and some holidays. I wanted her to be a part of my daily life. So the only way for me to have any contact with my daughter, was for me to quit my teaching job and move to where he transferred to. I think he knew my boyfriend would not want to move....his kids live in our old hometown. So, I am alone in a new state....no friends...family in another state...and my daughter and I live and sleep in the same room as my soon to be ex....he won't sign the final papers. Part of me wants to fix this and keep the family together and part of me hates him for doing this to my daughter and me. She had to leave her hometown, school, and friends. We have to sell the house and move to an area that is twice the price of living. For me to live on my own will be almost impossible. My ex said I could live with him
2006-10-09 16:17:42 · update #2
Regardless of the man's motives, you are being manipulated. You had to leave your home, your job, your man, to go live in a motel? I'm really not sensing he respects you very much.
I understand your desire to please your 12 year old but, and I quote:
"We never were close and never were good friends. We married for all the wrong reasons. He has a temper and bipolar. He has roadrage. I left him for lack of intimacy and anything in common."
Friendship is the bond that cements a long term relationship. The "in love" feeling ebbs and flows, but the friendship is where the heart lies. Trust and respect are born there.
You need to go home. Take your child and go back to your paycheck and your man.
Establish visitation for her father. You don't have to be divorced to establish custody or visitation. And you can represent yourself. Just fill out the petition from the Family Court and explain factually your situation. Know your rights. He may have to make the full drive for visitation because he chose to leave her home area. (This is how they ruled when my ex just up & left town.) You can arrange to exchange your daughter with him in a neutral place, a MacDonalds or K-Mart. Anyplace that is not your front driveway. Find out. Start with the link below.
Whatever you do, do it from your home base where you have security. Where your daughter was raised. Your location being her home will be key.
Learn to make decisions that are not going to cause you grief (ie: Living in a motel) You can't get custody of a child when you live in a motel. And this lug, he can't even offer you a home. He wants to live in a motel room WITH you!!!
Take your daughter and go home. Speak to him only through the courts. Step back and look at what you are doing. Be your own best friend. What would you say to a loved friend who had made such choices? Find your path. Follow through with gentle calm and firm resolve. Make right decisions. It will be ok.
2006-10-09 16:10:52 · answer #1 · answered by Sunbaby 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
All I can tell you is my experience. I tried to reconcile with my ex about a year after our divorce and it was a disaster. The first couple of months were good and then it was constant harassment about the same old things and more. I was never unfaithful when we were married, but I could never live down the fact that I dated after our divorce. He could not get past that. I think we stayed together for 6 months and that was the final chapter. I am so much happier without him. Unfortunately for him, nothing in his life has changed. He still is a very angry, bitter person and thinks he is a victim of the world. Don't waste any more time. Life is too short and if you have reached this point, I think it is what would be called "The point of no return". By the way, we had been married for 17 years. Please don't waste another precious day on him!
2006-10-09 15:37:27 · answer #2 · answered by KIM F 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with the person who previously practiced family law. Also I would like to add. I'm not sure who has physical custody but it sounds like you since your daughter is with you. If this is true take your daughter and go home before you actually live there long enough to actually establish residency by law, right now it could still be considered a extended vacation. Go home and get your divorce with the right lawyer. Make him pay you what is rightfully yours after 20 yrs. of marriage plus child support. Sounds to me that there may have been some sort of abuse. Remember there are more types of abuse than physical. Mental comes to mind here if he can still make you do what he wants after all this time. A final tip if there is no custody order at this time you can go home and file for temp. custody pending a final hearing. who ever has the child in there physical custody can file through the court for temp. custody. Hope this helps some what. A wise man once told me Its better to be lonely and be alone than to be with someone and be lonely.
2006-10-09 15:37:42 · answer #3 · answered by beach_cowgirl_70 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he was a bad husband for 20 years, then you can be pretty sure he will be exactly the same if you get back together.
He is playing games with you - I bet he deliberately moved away to make it hard for you, for instance.
Don't cancel the divorce. If he loves you, then there's nothing to stop you getting back together, with separate bank accounts etc, and see how it works out - if it does, you can remarry. See what he thinks of that idea - maybe that will give you a clue about his motives.
And by the way, I'm sure you can't afford the cost of living in a motel, especially if you're not working. He can't just move away and dictate how you get access to your daughter - go back to the court about this too.
2006-10-09 15:25:08 · answer #4 · answered by Kylie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you don't love him y r u even asking this question? Finalize the divorce. He sounds a bit suspicious anyway. Who would really want to move out of a condo to live w/ their soon to be ex-wife and another man in a motel?
2006-10-09 15:20:38 · answer #5 · answered by bettiboo 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What are your feelings for him? And the poor new BF you have been dating for 2 years??? I would be extremely suspicious. If he is still in love with you he would have been fighting the divorce all along... not just after the settlement agreement.
Be strong sista.
2006-10-09 15:20:40 · answer #6 · answered by shughes2000_2000 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Trust your instincts. You are questioning these things based on knowledge of the past. Hmmmm.....Have him take an apartment near you, live like he should and then in 2 years of dating you again and treating you right, you can decide if he has REALLY changed.
2006-10-09 15:21:07 · answer #7 · answered by Kathryn R 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Listen, I haven't been through it, but I can imagine the PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, and most of it you have already lived through. Now BE BRAVE, YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!! BE BRAVE, HOLD ON FOR JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER, you made it through this far, in just 6 short months, you will have that elephant off your back, and feel happiness you never dreamed you could. (like I can talk) but I am supporting you because you are stronger than me, and I know you can do it my friend.
2006-10-09 15:30:26 · answer #8 · answered by kiss me under the mistletoe 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
do what in your heart. do the right thing for your kids. if you want him back then go back with him. if you don't then don't go back. but only you know what you can do. not no one else. about the 1000 miles thing. that stupid. he just want to have you wrap around his finger. don't fall for that old trick. it's not fair that you have to do everything he wants. so think about it. think hard before you do anything your will regret. good luck
2006-10-09 15:24:18 · answer #9 · answered by Melda R 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell him you'll stay married if he separates all the money and real estate and gives you half. And the house contents, and half the value of his 401 k.That would prove to you it's not about the money.See what he says then. Bet he back paddles real fast, and you'll have your answer.
2006-10-09 15:24:52 · answer #10 · answered by joy 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋