Help! My best friend just confessed that he thinks he may be gay. Now I'm afraid to be alone with him because I think he may start hitting on me. I won't take showers with him after gym or soccer practice. I just feel funny around him now. I don't know how to handle this, what should I do?
2006-10-09 13:58:25 · 20 answers · asked by markin.gomez 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
The first thing you need to do is take a step back from your feelings of shock and confusion and try to see things rationally. This is easier than it sounds, but it is not impossible. Being homosexual in modern Western culture carries with it a great deal of social taboo and ostracization. It is not an easy thing for anyone to have to face the type of ignorance that homosexuality is subject to in our culture, be it the person who feels they are gay, or those who care for him or her. It is normal to feel that you are going to be subject to the stigma simply by being associated with somebody who is gay and it is natural for you to feel the urge to pull away. It takes a person of strong character and confidence to stare down that stigma for the bigotry that it is an stand on the side of right. In this case there is no doubt that the right thing to do is stand by your friend.
By coming to terms with the reality of the situation you may find yourself better able to handle it. For starters, you need to realize that your friend is still the same person he was before you knew how he was feeling. He is the same, what has changed is the amount of personal knowledge between you. You now know something of very intimate and potentially life altering proportions about your friend. Granted, it is not easy learning that a friend is not what or who you thought he was, but is sexual orientation the only thing that keeps you "best friends"? I am willing to bet it isn't. At this time you need to take a deep inventory of what your friendship really is and what it is really based upon. Use the things you still have in common to keep a sense of normality in your friendship while you both adjust to what has changed. Never lose sight of the fact that his being gay is not about you, which brings me to another point.
It is an all too common assumption of straight men who meet gay men that those gay men "want" them. The fact is that your friend most likely sees you the same way he always has, as a friend. Just because he is exploring his sexuality does not mean he wants to explore it with you. It is possible for him to be homosexual and NOT be attracted to you, just as it is possible for a straight girl NOT to be attracted to you. Unless his confession included a clear indication that he was coming out to you out of a desire to be with you romantically, let go of your fears that he is interested in anything more than your friendship. The real reason he has confided such a personal thing in a "best friend" is that he needs the stability of that friendship right now. He needs to have someone to count on when his own feelings are so mixed up. It is a great testimony to the depth of your friendship that he has chosen you to lean on, it speaks volumes about his respect for you and of your past performance as a friend. You should feel flattered, not fearful.
Coming out is not an easy thing for anybody to do, it is even harder when you are a teenager. Teenagers are already dealing with "normal" identity issues and something as socially looked down upon as being gay can put an already confused teen in to a state of turmoil. It is not uncommon for homosexual teens of both genders to ignore their natural urges and cling to the heterosexual "norm" with an unhealthy vengeance. Many gay teens try to overcompensate by being VERY straight in their behaviours, and gay teens in denial can act more homophobic than gay-weary straight teens. Gay teens have a higher rate of suicide than their straight peers, they report less enjoyment of school and school related activities and more distant relationships with family. For teens who "stay in the closet" the negatives are much more pronounced. Be it easy for you to accept or not, your friends coming out is the healthiest thing he could do, both for your friendship and for his own peace of mind. I urge you to have the same consideration for your friendship as he clearly does by offering him all the support he needs and wants.
You can not ever understand what it is like to be another person. What you can do is stay real to the situation at hand, no matter what it may be. Your friend's sexual orientation has little more impact on your life than; his drinking preferences, drug use, current steady date or academic performance. What will have a huge impact on your life is the loss of a dear friend. Your "best friend" trusted you and your friendship enough to confide this in you. Gay people tend to first come out to those they trust and to those who they need in their lives. You say you are "best friends", now it is time for you to attach some real meaning to that title. Let go of your irrational fears by discussing them with him openly. Tell him that you want to help him but that you too will need help. Make sure he knows how you feel but also make sure he knows that your feelings will not stop you from being a friend to him. Stand by your friend, back off when he wants you to, let him tell you what he needs from your friendship and then give it to him to the best of your ability. When all is said and done, he is still the friend you cared for before the confession. How will you feel about yourself if you abandon him when he needs you most? After all, "a friend is a friend until the end", even if that end is really a new beginning for your friendship.
2006-10-09 14:00:45 · answer #1 · answered by Markin Gomez 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all....understand that this is a huge step for your friend. He will need your support through this very confusing time. Also be sure and let him know that you are completely heterosexual and that you have no romantic interests in him whatsoever. Gay or straight...he's still the same guy you've been hanging out with after school, and this shouldn't change your friendship as long as you set up the boundaries. Best of luck.
2006-10-09 14:07:23 · answer #2 · answered by chica_liss 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hon - a gay man has no more interest in a straight guy than a straight guy would have in a gay guy. Trust me - they are looking for other gay guys. You need to get over your phobia of gay men, quit thinking you're all that (cuz to a gay guy you're not), and get on with your life. You also need to start showing a LOT more compassion to this guy who is supposedly your best friend. He's just confessed something to you (his best friend) which was quite possibly the hardest thing he's ever had to do in his life - and what do you do? You turn your back on him. That's not a friend. Quit thinking about yourself and think about your friendship. If you can't maintain your friendship because of your fear of gays, then I suggest you let him know...and then get some counseling!
2006-10-09 14:05:06 · answer #3 · answered by joesgrl90 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
just because he's gay doesn't mean he's gonna check you out not every gay guy is attracted to every guy he comes in contact with. Same could be said if it was a heterosexual. Everyone has their type. If he's your best friend should it change that he's gay, i mean did you think he told u he was gay so he could start hitting on you i dont think so. He's probably got a lot more on his mind then making his best friend feeling uncomfortable.
2006-10-09 14:07:53 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should support you friend right now , he needs you. As for attraction it just like men and women. You don't like everyone
just because they are the other sex. He will not start hitting on you and this is one reason why Gay people don't admit to it. He is still your friend, this does not change anything about your friendship.
2006-10-09 14:04:57 · answer #5 · answered by SHAy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sweetie, I'm a gay man myself and to be honest. Not all gay men are attracted to you and they're not all out to hit on you either. It's as simple as that.
If your buddy is gay, then tell him you see him no differently than you already do and that you'll always be there for him. The boy knows his boundaries with you; if he knows your straight. He's not stupid and he won't do anything to make you uncomfortable. I promise.
Good luck and relax; he's just gay!
2006-10-09 16:43:08 · answer #6 · answered by cdnis06 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To Do? Well, you cant 'do' anything, if you mean 'change' or 'fix' him. But then, why would you want to? This is your best friend, right? Must be pretty terrific to hold that honor. So, support your friend. Be there as a sounding board, for moral support. It can be difficult for someone to 'come out' or admit there sexual prefrence. Your friend hasnt changed in the least, except realized who they are. You? Already know...your BEST friend. A terrific, special person who you love and trust!!
REMEMBER this, PLEASE!!!>>> Who your friend is attractted to has NOTHING to do with your friendship! It changes it not in the least!! Be a best friend back, good luck!
2006-10-09 14:07:16 · answer #7 · answered by lacheralvssax 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You could still be his friend, just tell him you aren't confortable around him, maybe he'll understand. Tell him you'll continue to be his friend as long as he doesn't try to hit on you. Theres no rule that says you have to take a shower with him, you could just stand a bit away from him durning showers after gym, and you could ask him to turn around when you take showers, no biggie.
2006-10-09 14:05:05 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is gay there is nothing wrong with that. He is still your friend . If he didn't hit on you all this time , he wont hit on you . Stop worrying yourself.
2006-10-09 14:05:27 · answer #9 · answered by ♥ Army Wife ♥ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
talk to him about it. if you're worried that he wants a bf/bf relationship with you, ask him straight out. it's the only way to know. likely, he doesn't think of you that way.
he obviously respects your friendship ALOT if he is trusting you with this information. respect him by talking honestly to him. don't be afraid.
2006-10-09 14:05:24 · answer #10 · answered by Gabrielle 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell him that you need some time alone from him for a little while. You are not judging him but you just need some time to think. I don't blame you on the whole shower thing either!!!
2006-10-09 14:00:29 · answer #11 · answered by bananayell 1 · 0⤊ 3⤋