Before we married (and while our relationship was long-distance), my wife was sure I had an affair with a former female friend. I didn't -- certainly in the sex etc sense. But I did lie about keeping in contact (after gf/wife expressed discomfort with level of contact) with the friend; and in an after-party situation I inappropriately touched friend's boobs. I later confessed all under questioning, and have since (2yrs+) been apologetic, contrite, indulgent (pay her debt$, home alone with kids) and timid - all in the face of unending extreme anger & bitterness.
We conceived baby AFTER scandal broke, we married later still, and now have a lovely daughter. Bitterness & coldness are now getting to me, affecting my ability to hold down work with which to support family (including her son/my step-son). Is enough enough? I doubt I'd get custody, but am I doing the right thing "staying for the sake of my daughter"?
When things were good, our differences didn't matter; now, they're MAGNIFIED
2006-10-09 13:23:07 · 29 answers · asked by twentyfive 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Your wife is betrayed. Yeah in your eyes it seems like you have paid the price but trust is something that is not very easy to regain once you have lost it. So her actions towards you are not the best and she still believes that you are capable of being unfaithful, that is not her problem it's yours. I am not saying she has the right to walk all over you but this is your fault. I think the best course of action is to talk to her open and honest. Validate her feelings of insecurity where your relationship is concerned. Let her know that she is th eone for you, if she is. Think about your own feelings. Do you really love her? If not then it is best to leave because it's your daughter who will be hurt. The tensions between the two of you will affect your daughter, no doubt... You dont need full custody to be a part of your daughters life. You can still have plenty of quality time with her, with joint custody. The time you spend alone with your daughter without any tension will I am sure be more beneficial to her. Good luck
2006-10-09 13:33:06 · answer #1 · answered by what do you think? 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Hhummm either way the child suffers, she's never going to know what a happy family unit is if you constantly argue and if there is unhappiness & choa in the air all the time. It's probably going to get worse for you.
It sounds like she has got you by the b a l l s ! She probably feels like she broke you down and you will take anything she dishes out, out of guilt. You need to take a step back and think. Do you love her? If she turned her attitude around would be want to stay? Could you ever be happy again & what would it take? If any of this is so, there is still a chance and you should stay! You need to stand your ground, but not like an A S S H O L E . When you stop grovalling and find your balls, she might see you in a different view. She might realize what she could be loosing. You need to say I love you casually, don't make a big deal out of it, like when you are leaving for work remember how it was before? Stop sitting and dwelling. It seems magnified because you are picking everything apart, your mind will play tricks on you. Don't forget, you are on a mission, you can't turn mean. And of course it will take time, maybe years to get right again. You might save your marriage and that would be best for your daughter.
If you feel hate you need to go to church, clear your head and get in the right direction before you do something rash. You have to try! If it is sex you need, relieve yourself if you can't take it anymore, don't go have an affair! And when you do get the chance at sex, you better pull out all the old tricks! Rock her world, make her remember.
That's all I have.. Good Luck!
2006-10-09 13:25:32 · answer #2 · answered by char__c is a good cooker 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, what are YOU bitter about? The fact that you lied to her repeatedly and then she had to confront you "UNDER QUESTIONING" to admit that you were being unfaithful emotionally and physically? Are you bitter and angry that you were caught? And since when is it "INDULGENT" to spend time alone with your own kids? or paying off her debt? You're married it's YOUR debt now too. What a selfish jerk you are. Do you truly love this woman? Do you truly regret betraying her trust? I'm guessing you're not and she can sense it - which is why she's bitter and angry. You sound like you think you deserve a medal and a wife that kisses your @$$ for all you do for her. It takes years to recover from betrayal - and the fact that you weren't man enough to confess it to her without her questioning you it just pathetic.
EVERYONE's faults are magnified when there are problems and conflict in marriage. If your true intent is to heal the situation then it would start with an understanding, thoughtful attitude. GO to counseling and learn what it means to forgive and how to be FORGIVABLE. She might also learn what she really wants - not to continue to punish you but to either move on or forgive and rebuild the trust that you broke.
2006-10-09 13:51:38 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you leave, all the differences between you two will be even more magnified. Your daughter will only bear more of the weight from the strained relationship between you and an "ex".
Sounds like your wife has had some issues, and for several years has been "beating" you with them instead of resolving them. You tuned her out to save what was left of your sanity.
Do you think that counseling would help you two at least get to a friendship level again? Maybe she does not want to be married either, but divorcing in this chaos will only make for a nasty divorce.
Don't settle for a life of anger and resentment for the sake of your daughter, because she will know it. I do not praise my mother for her "martyrdom", and your grown daughter will probably not either. Children respect parents that show them the way to be happy individuals. Keep that in mind.
2006-10-09 13:39:24 · answer #4 · answered by BuffyFromGP 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your wife isn't angry. She's afraid. Afraid you will abandon her.
All women want the same thing from a man. They want a strong man who loves them. And, if they don't get this, they will make your life a living hell.
Strong means that you effect the world, rather than the other way around. You are calm, cool and collected in the face of adversity. Your buttons can't be pushed. You aren't filled with phobias, bad habits, negative emotions or behaviors or other inexcusable signs of weakness. You don't tolerate bad behavior from yourself or others, including her. Your focus is on making things work, including your marriage (ESPECIALLY your marriage). I don't mean that you punish these things. What I mean is that there is a constant and active (being apologetic, contrite and indulgent are BAD things) redirection away from negative, fuckedupness toward a sane and happy life. You must be constantly vigilant on this issue. You break the pattern by wearing it down with every single little thing. Day in, day out, interaction by interaction, you choose your behavior by asking what would a strong, benevolent MAN do? And you are gently assertive in insisting she acts in positive manner. After awhile of doing this, she will take her cues from you on how to act (it will take awhile though).
Love means you are in it for the long haul. You truly care about her and won't leave no matter what. Women have an intense, biologically driven fear of abandonment. This is because, pre-modern society, abandonment was a death sentence for both her and her children.
It won't be different with any other woman. Your best bet is to address this relationship and make it work. You must give her what she wants. Literally, there is no other way.
2006-10-09 13:42:03 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
The worst thing you can do TO your daughter is to stay in a loveless marriage. She senses the tension in the house no matter how old she is. You should first try counseling, then separation then d i v o r c e.
I remember when I was a child I wished my parents were divorced because of the constant fighting/bickering. They did stick it out and are better than ever (mom 65, dad 73) but they had one foundation and that was love and dedication to make it work. You will get joint custody and it could be a blessing.
on the infidelity. To women, our husband or boyfriend having an intimate (not sex necessarily) relationship is still infidelity. It's of the heart and that can be so much worse than an actual one night stand with someone..
2006-10-09 13:29:24 · answer #6 · answered by bella 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Do you want your daughter and step-son to be raised in an environment like that? To think that's how a marriage should be? It is better for a child to be raised by separate families that can exhibit love to them w/out the bitter and tension. No, being a male, you probably won't get custody (full time) but you will still be an intricate part of her life. You can show that little girl how a man should treat her. You will be her role model and she will look for nothing less than what you tell and show her is normal. Good luck and I'm sorry you're going through this, but you are not the only one and all of you will survive.
2006-10-09 13:28:49 · answer #7 · answered by MiMi 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
It seems to me that u are wanting your wife to "just get over it". Trust was destroyed. It isn't something that can just be rebuilt overnight. U can't just expect your wife to turn her feelings on and off like a light switch. I don't even understand why she went thru with the marriage, seeing as u had unresolved issues at the time. My suggestion would be to communicate with her and find out what she wants out of the marriage. If she wants to stay and work on it, obviously she will have to do her part as well but u can't just expect her to forget about it. And u may think u have done your share of paying up but as far as she's concerned, she is not over it by a long shot. So...before thinking of divorce, try to work on your marriage first and do everything u can to try and save it. If things don't change, only then should u two call it quits.
2006-10-09 13:40:11 · answer #8 · answered by cheetah7 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It is a MUST that you both attend marriage counseling. Individual counseling would also be beneficial. Divorce is a big thing, and it leaves lasting effects on everyone involved, especially children. The big D is a LAST resort!
It sounds like there are issues and feelings that are still unresolved, but you shouldn't be made to pay for your mistakes over and over. It's not healthy, and by the time she's finally willing to forgive, you're already mentally out of the relationship.
With a situation like this, you both have to be fully cooperative in what suggestions the counselor has- otherwise it won't work.
Good luck!
2006-10-09 13:27:13 · answer #9 · answered by akflame81 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
are you saying that after all that she went on and married you? Sounds like too you are having trouble adjusting to everything.as i told someone earlier, divorce is bad, kids involved worse. but look at the situation. you have a daughter in the case. there is a son even though your step he is still in the picture.take some time for the two of you and see if you can work something out. if not possible maybe at least go on good terms. find someone to talk to that does not know either one of you.
2006-10-09 13:30:54 · answer #10 · answered by mamma bird 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋