What do you think of the starting of my story?

Question

Chapter 1: The Bad Day


You think you had a bad day? I’ve had worse. The worst day of my life began a day before it happened. I spilled glue all over myself and the table. And On top of that everyone laughed at me. I even heard the teacher laughing a bit. Now today everyone is mocking me. The teacher even gave me a glue stick with fear of me spilling the whole bottle of liquid glue on the table, again. I tried to tell her that it was an accident and that the glue lid wasn’t screwed on tight enough. After I told her that, she said, “Hana! That was the worst lie I’ve ever heard coming out of your mouth! I gave you that glue stick so that you can’t accidentally spill it all over the table.” Apparently she thought I was a trouble maker. I really am not. I’m just clumsy and quiet… mostly. About ten minutes after the argument I was told to stop killing my paper and to leave, because school was over. I was almost to my bus when two of the worst bullies in school walked right in

front of me. Scott and Angie. Angie was the boss. “Want any glue?” she asked in a mocking tone. I ignored her and tried to walk to my bus when Scott gripped my arm. I struggled a bit. Then Angie glared at my hair. At first I thought she was going to put glue in it, but then she said, “I really like that hat you’re wearing. Give it to me.” I tried to get away but Scotts grip tightened and I started to cry. I knew Angie knew that I was crying because she slapped my face and called me a cry baby. Then she snatched the hat and pushed me to the ground. After that she laughed and ran to her bus. Normally I’m stronger, and never cry, but today I was upset from all the mocking and when she wanted something she got it. Always. I spent twenty hard earned dollars on that hat and what happens the next day? It’s stolen! I got so upset I cried. But, now I have to worry about catching my bus. And, yes that was a worry, because the stupid buses always leave earlier than they’re supposed to.

My bus was leaving when I got to it. It didn’t stop even though I was flailing my arms and shouting like a crazy person. It just kept moving. The worst part was that I forgot my cell phone at home and everyone was gone, even the teachers. So I was forced to walk all the way to Walgreen’s. Once I was there I asked, nicely, “May I please use your phone?” the cashier said, not as nicely, “You can’t use our phone, but there’s a payphone out back. It’s a dollar per call.” I sighed and said, “Thank you.” I was angry, because I just remembered that I had my money in the lining of my hat. There was only three dollars but I was still angry. “Can… umm… May I please borrow one dollar?” I asked trying to keep my temper. I must’ve have been bright red because the cashier asked, “Are you alright?” “Yes I am alright. Now please give me one dollar.” I said, by now I was twitching at him. I kind of had anger management issues.

“You’re twitching.” The cashier said with a scared look in his eye. “I am not!” I screamed loudly at him “Now give me one fricking dollar!” I must’ve scared the cashier because he was trembling and dumped all of the money that was in the cash register onto the counter. I only took one dollar and called my mom with it. She came in a half hour and apologized to the cashier for me. Then we left. When we were at home I was surprised to see an ambulance there. They were carrying a man into it. I squinted harder and saw that it was my father. The paramedics were putting him in a black bag.

I heard a scream and later found out that it came from me. I got out of the car and started running. Waterfalls of tears were running down my face. Once I reached the ambulance I attached myself onto a paramedic and screamed at him, “You bring him back! That’s your job is keeping people alive!” “Bring him back!” I whimpered as I fell to my knees, “Bring him back please.” “Umm… is this person of any relation to you?” the paramedic said dumbfounded. “That’s my father.” I whimpered, and then continued to cry. I heard footsteps coming up behind me. I struggled to turn myself around. I looked up and saw my mother… crying. I got up and hugged her. “H-how did he die?” my mother asked quietly.

I heard a scream and later found out that it came from me. I got out of the car and started running. Waterfalls of tears were running down my face. Once I reached the ambulance I attached myself onto a paramedic and screamed at him, “You bring him back! That’s your job is keeping people alive!” “Bring him back!” I whimpered as I fell to my knees, “Bring him back please.” “Umm… is this person of any relation to you?” the paramedic said dumbfounded. “That’s my father.” I whimpered, and then continued to cry. I heard footsteps coming up behind me. I struggled to turn myself around. I looked up and saw my mother… crying. I got up and hugged her. “H-how did he die?” my mother asked quietly.

“We don’t know yet, but he told us to tell Hana something… he died before finishing his sentence. But we think he said to tell her that he loves her.” The paramedic said confidentially, “Those where his dieing words.”
“I understand.” She started to cry more, and once I saw her crying I cried a lot more too. She decided that it was best not to go home just yet, so we rented a hotel room for the night. I couldn’t sleep at all. My restless mind was keeping me from sleeping. I was wondering why my Dad didn’t want me to know how he died. Every time I almost fell asleep, that sentence popped into my head. When I finally gave up all hope of knowing, it was six in the morning.

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So what do you think of it so far? sorry, I accidentally typed 2 things in twice.

Answer 1

If you're going for short stories, it's good. If you're going for a novel, you need more writing than that, even for the first chapter. I know a book doesn't depend directly on how long it is, but still, the average novel only becomes a novel at a certain given amount of pages.
Also, you need to use more descriptive sentences. So instead of "I spilled glue all over myself and the table", you could put a few sentences before that, stuff that has to do with what you were doing, in detail. Maybe describe what you were doing with the glue, with descriptive words like carefully, gingerly, shocked etc. Something that describes your emotions at that moment.
In the bully scene, you need some drama and tension adding up to that moment. A good example is your walking pattern. Distract the reader by saying how you truly, deeply felt. How did you move? Slow or fast? With confidence or embarassment? Again, something detailed. Put in dabble about the day, to guide the attention away from the main subject, and then, when nobody expects it, place the bully scene in.

Don't get me wrong, I like your story, I just think it needs work if you're going to grip some readers. Hope this helps.

Answer 2

You have a good start. Now, go back through it and cut and trim until it hurts. Change all the passive sentences into action dialogue with the characters. Watch for redundant phrases and explanations--particularly about the glue episode.

The chapter, albeit a very short one, is only a rough draft because it needs much more editing and polishing than I can give here. Each new dialogue line requires a separate paragraph and not run together with a former line given by a different character.

It is all right to get your drafts down in a tangible form, but always go back and cut out and trim until it hurts. Find someone not a close friend or a relative that can edit your manuscript and will be truthful with you. There are several quality writing forums found on-line in Yahoo! and you can locate a critique-buddy to work with you such as [e-mail].

Good luck with your novel.

Answer 3

Really good. It holds the reader's attention. I didn't like the glue thing. Why not make it something REALLY embarassing, like she gets uncontrollable diarrhea, or she sneezes and a huge gob of snot flies out. I know this sounds disgusting, but if you really want to grab the reader's attention and make them keep reading (which you do, right, because you want a best seller) then it has to be something shocking. Glue doesn't do it for me. The rest is fine.

Keep writing!

Answer 4

You need to take out the words that aren't necessary,''she even gave me a glue stick''..(even)..at the end ,when your father dies, you need to emphasize on that a little more, you just threw it in there, it's a big shock, but you played it down too much...the story is interesting, it just needs a little work, I think it will be just fine, after you touch it up a little. Good luck!

Answer 5

Sounds good so far. Where are you going with this?

Answer 6

Woa that story is fiction...right?
Your story is really good, I almost cried.