Ok Seriously, I just read a question on Bi Women.....?

Question

I haven’t always been the most open minded towards Bisexual people... I have had my opinion and my opinion only... Since I have been on this forum I have opened up some and I'm trying to be more accepting and embrace all of our diversity

So here it goes, I just read a question and it’s about a women who is married and has a woman on the side. She doesn’t let her husband participate. I don’t know about you all but I would call that selfish, and double standards.. Just because you are bi doesn’t mean that you are entitled to two partners does it? I would think cheating is cheating, even if the other person knows about it...balancing two peoples instead of one? Someone is going to get hurt... Please tell me your views and help me understand?

Well I guess if you are allowed to have both then why isnt everyone bi... Omg, Let all get married and than have a girlfriend on the side. Isnt this the very thing that str8ght people go thru, this is part of the divorce rate in america... Man or woman get bored in their relationship and get a little honey on the side... I just dont see this working for long..

Answer 1

I answered her question, and I do understand your point of view, as well as hers.

I know a lot of seemingly "successful" marriages that, upon closer inspection, make my blood run cold. Women subject to their husband's law. Men who cheat not with other women, but with their friends, alcohol, gambling -- taking their love, their time and their financial obligations away from their wife just as assuredly as if there were another woman involved. Women who lie to their husbands about finances and their level of friendship with the men they work with. Yet to most people *outside* the marriage, these folks have a happy, healthy one.

My point is, no one outside of the marriage has the slightest idea what is really going inside it. I have no right to judge yours and you have no right to judge mine or anyone else's. If both partners go into it with eyes open and aware of their partner's predelictions, they cannot cry foul when *nothing* has changed but themselves. They must make their own decision at that point, whether to suck up whatever is now upsetting them -- that wasn't before -- or leave because the change of heart they have had is unchangable.

Just because you are bi you are not "entitled" to two partners, no. The entitlement is given by both of your partners, if they choose to give it. If they do not, it is up to you to work it out among the involved parties, as this woman in question is attempting to do.

Answer 2

Of course being bisexual doesn't mean you should have "one of each," just as liking both blue and brown eyes doesn't mean you should have "one of each."

I thought the woman's behavior was a bit selfish, too. Relationships should make you happy, but they are not solely for your own personal gratification. You should be at least as interested in the other person's happiness as your own. People are entitled to change their minds according to their needs, and that should be respected.

I don't think it's "cheating" if everyone knows and agrees to play by the rules. When I was in an open relationship, my girlfriend had women on the side and my then-boyfriend...well, he was yet another Orlando attraction that welcomed the tourists for Gay Days! I felt I couldn't say anything against that.

It's hard to balance two loves, and it's not something most people can do for any length of time, but given my history, I can't just automatically say "that's wrong" anymore.

Lastly, I am compelled to say that you don't have to be bi to have an open relationship or to cheat.

Answer 3

It entirely depends on the agreement between the couple and it is not our place to define someone else's relationship.

IF both parties feel that this is acceptable, then it is.

It is not cheating if everyone knows what's going on and agrees to it and there are no secrets.

I had a similar "agreement" with my ex husband, and he had no issue with me having a "girlfriend on the side", nor did he expect to watch, or participate, or any of that.

All that being said, however..I would say that if a person's spouse decides they aren't comfortable with this activity after all, then the bisexual person in the relationship should respect their spouse's wishes. That's where their loyalties should remain. If they cannot accept this, then they might not have much business being married... because their spouse is who they have committed to.

Still... Bi does not mean you have a license to do whatever you want. Everyone, bi, straight, gay, whatever, has to work out the "agreement" in their relationship and stick to it, and honor their committments or get out and allow their partner to find someone more suitable.

Edit to respond to the asker's additional comments:

Everyone isn't Bi because everyone isn't attracted to the same sex! Bisexuality is highly misunderstood and I will say that people who cheat and are Bi give bisexuals everywhere a bad name... no doubt.

Still, there are many different opinions on monogamy, orientation, etc. Some are polyamorous, some are monogamous by nature, some are into "serial monogamy" where they have several "one on one" relationships in their lifetime.

Even though I prefer monagamy in general and even though in my previous marriage I was "allowed" to have a girlfriend, in those 10 years I only had one and it was long after the marriage had gone to heck.... I am not in any place to judge another couple for doing what works for them.

Divorce as a result of CHEATING is different, but the point I'm trying to make here is that any consensual open marriage or other situation is not the same as cheating. Cheating involves deception, lies, sneaking around. Yes, many divorces are the result of THAT.

If this is not your cup of tea, then fine.. you are in the majority... but make sure you marry (legally or symbolically) someone who is absolutely in agreement about monogamy. That's all.

Answer 4

I have to admit, that, being 100 % lesbian myself, I have not always been so open minded either towards bisexuals. I have become more open-minded. I do, however, have a friend who is in a similar situation. a situation, which, for me personally, is one reason I have never become involved with anyone bisexual (no offense intended). I know that this doesn't always happen. but my friend "M" is married, and bisexual. her husband had always told her that he didn't mind her being involved with someone else, as long is it was a woman. well, she has fallen head over heels for another woman. there have been a handful of occasions when we all get together with a group of friends, and all 3 of them, "M", her husband AND her girlfriend have all been present. and the husband looks so hurt and sad. "M" has admitted that things have become "rocky" with her husband, and she really wants to spend her life with the girlfriend. "M" is otherwise a very nice woman....I just hate to see how this has torn up her husband.

Answer 5

just because you're bi doesnt mean your selfish.
i consider myself a lesbian because when i am single, i look for women.
i have dated guys but i never cared about any of them...
until the guy i'm dating now.
this may be way too much personal information but i figure you don't know me and therefore don't care.
even if i miss being with a woman, i love the guy i am with so i don't go out looking for soemthing more or something on the side. i love him and that would be why i'm still with him.
if i were to stop dating him i'd go back to looking for a woman.
....
i guess what i'm trying to say is, some people like dating many people while other people prefer to stay monogomous and it's just a part of who you are. being bisexual doesn't change her preferences. she was going to cheat if she were straight and she's using being bisexual as an excuse.

i personally prefer not to label myself but some people consider me bisexual. labels don't make you who you are and they don't change your behavior, they only name it...

Answer 6

It sounds like she needs to rethink her marrige. I was once married to man, and he had an ex girlfriend who was the mother of his child. I really liked her, and they had a good friendship still. she had expressed her attraction for me to him one night. He later told me how she felt, he said he wouldnt mind if I dated her while still staying married to him. This devloped into a relationship with her and I. He expressed his enjoyment of her company, and it turned into a polyamourous relationship. He loved her, and me and I loved them both, she loved us both. It was a wonderful thing. Our relationship ended after the baby passed away from a car wreck. It was just one of those things. We all continue to be good friends and chat regularly. That is a lovely way to end a polyamourous relationship. Now, not everyone can have the lovely thing the 3 of us shared, but it is possiable. But without knowing how this relationship is, I must say it sounds selfish, and tacky and she should take a long look at her marriage. Cheating is cheating at the end of the night. Maybe this sheds some light on your question. I hope it helps. And thank you for trying to broden your horizions, the world will benefit from people like you! Keep up the good work!

Answer 7

As a bi-sexual woman myself, I can see where she is coming from. You like both, so restricting yourself to one gender is difficult and complicated. I can also see from your point of view as well. You see it as unfair and wrong. I can understand that. Here comes the but-if the couple (primarily her husband) is ok with that scenario, then where's the harm? There is always the risk of hurting someone in relationships, whether bisexuality comes into play or not. As Chicky put it, even the most seemingly wonderful relationships have their dark side.

Answer 8

As a generalisation, in our selfish "culture" or society, in my opinion, it will all end in tears. We haven't learnt how to share on an intimate level with more than one partner. Our fear and shame keeps us with the status quo to a large degree. We are usually brought up with the stereotypical heterosexual, monogamous view of sexual relationships and fear of scarcity, rejection and abandonment, etc. It would take a massive re-education and practise for the most part to be able to have successful polygamous relationships. Blah blah etc.

Answer 9

Get real. Everybody cheats one way or the other. The question is when does the potential harm or pain outweigh the imminence of pleasure. Everybody makes those decisions all the time, and no-one else can really make them for you. Prudishness is one word for the mind-set of those who try - variously known as busybodies, evangelicals, etc.

Your question indicates perhaps a bit of jealousy where bisexuals are concerned, who may seem to have their cake and eat it too, or can secretly snack between meals. Or perhaps are nibbling a bit at your piece of the pie.

Answer 10

I think shes just trying to explore here sexuality, she doesn't really know what she wants. she's probably with a man because it's the natural thing and that's what everyone expects and excepts, but deep down she secretly would rather be with a woman and that's why she probably has one on the side. Alot of Bisexual women are exploring their sexuality to realize that they dint really like men and really wanna be with women or vice versa, it just helps u realize which sex is the best for your need when u dabble with both.