Married man found out wife IM ex-boyfriend!?

Question

My wife started writing letters to her ex who is the father of my step-daughter. She hasnt seen him in ten years nor has he every seen his daughter. We have been married for over eight years. I opened on of her IMs yesterday and they were talkin about sex and she said that she thinks of him when she and I have sex. I want nothing to do with her anymore and want a divorce. She says its just the internet and means nothing. He lives over five hours away but she was planning to go meet him over thanksgiving so my step daughter could meet him. Now I dont want her to go because I dont trust her after the stuff I read. Says i am over reacting and invading her space by prying and that I dont trust her thats why I read it. Any suggestions? Am I out of line or do you think I am correct?

Answer 1

"She says its just the Internet and means nothing."

But she tells HIM that when you and her have sex, she thinks about HIM...

The fact that you happened to find out about her messaging him and the fact that she's claiming "its just the Internet and means nothing" would indicate to me that she's trying to 'validate' her actions while accusing you of over-reacting.

If the roles were reversed she would have already (at least mentally) launched you and lost every ounce of trust she ever had for you.

Please note: If she loved, cared for and respected you, her "talk" about sex with him would NEVER enter into the conversation.

Any decent woman would have put a stop to that sort of topic regardless if it was an in-person conversation or by using whatever various media outlets flying around on the Internet.

Sounds like she's living off a set of double standards.

You may want to mention to her that while she's off in dreamland thinking of him while you two are having sex... That her slap in the nuts to you may make her meaningless Internet dreams more of a reality (for her) far sooner than she ever realized.

Answer 2

She is lying. She is lying to him or you but she is lying. Put it to her simply. Stay because you want to be married forsaking all others or leave. If she wants to introduce your stepdaughter to her sperm daddy he can come and visit while you are in attendance. Apart from that she can drive the 5 hours and see him but be prepared to stay there because she will NOT be welcomed back. You are not overreacting! You have all rights to pry because she obviously cannot be trusted. Yes you do not trust her and there is good reason. She lies. There is NO REASON for her behavior. Why would she tell some guy she thinks about him when she is having sex with you. This is unacceptable, period. It was just internet crap and means nothing? I don't think so. She had better change her tune or get the F out of your house.

Answer 3

Don't let her turn the tables by saying you were prying so now she is mad. Why would she keep in contact with this guy when he dosen't even care about their child and has not cared for about 10 years now. Your step daughter could probably care less about seeing the guy it's her mom that wants to see him. It is going to be hard to get things back to normal but at least give the marriage another chance but your wife she needs help and she also needs to stop being so selfish and apologize instead of being on the defensive.

Answer 4

You are naughty for looking at her personals.. but you've found out that she wants to s.h.a.g her ex cos your probably not exciting her enough in the bedroom department.

First of all you should confront her, Don't blast your mouth as it won't do anyone any good, apart from her ex cos she may possibly go running to his arms. So cool it.

You should talk in a calm way i.e wine and dine (even though she doesn't deserve it, it'll be good for you two to chill out) and then tell her you both should have a cooling period cos you need to reassess what you both really want in this marriage.

You both probably don't spend much 'couple' times together and she's probably feeling neglected and wants attention and her ex is probably giving her just that. So YOU should take a reality check and see if you are in love with your wife and if you are then you should treat her like a queen (but be a MAN about it. Women like their men to be authoratative/strong - but not too much).

Answer 5

You are right; she is wrong. She has betrayed your trust and doesn't even have the grace to be ashamed or appreciate what she has done. Let her go with her daughter but let her know that you don't want her to come home afterwards. And yes, go and see a lawyer as soon as possible - in the UK this is called an improper relationship and even though there is no evidence of actual adultery, the messages with their sexual content and implicit infidelity would be cited as evidence of her unreasonable behaviour in a divorce.

I think your marriage to her is probably over - certainly unless she accepts the gravity of what she has done, you have no point to start from which to save it.

Answer 6

No, you are not over reacting.
It would be different if she were talking to a man she never met and would never meet.
But she is talking to the father of her child and what she said was way out of line.
You need to tell her that if she wants to stay married to you she will have to stop this immediately and you need to insist on going with her when she takes her daughter to meet her father.
Dont punish you step daughter for the stupid actions of her mother, by not letting her go see her father.

My bf and i have understand flirting on the internet but what she said took it a little to far.

Answer 7

Wow, I am really sorry you have to go through this. Well, even though she thinks it is "just the internet," these apparently are still her feelings and they are real. Even if it is only a "fantasy" for her, by going to see her ex without you she is placing herself in a position of temptation. Plus, fantasies are for inside your head ... if she is talking with him over the internet and saying these types of things then she is starting to make her fantasy a reality.

If she wants your marriage to work, then she should respect you enough to not place herself in those situations. I would also lay my foot down and tell her no more IM'ing her ex. It is wrong and if she loves you and respects you, then she needs to give that up. She may need to have contact with her ex for the sake of their daughter, but she needs to stop this sexual flirtation thing she is doing. I would also suggest counseling for you both.

Good luck and best wishes!

Answer 8

I'm sorry sweetie but this looks like the end even although she says it means nothing!!! come on she certainly wouldn't be saying those things to her ex if it means nothing. Why say them at all if it means nothing?
I'd be happy to find out if my partner was like that, after all who really wants to live with someone knowing their other half has cheated on them or likely to cheat on them, even if it only a cyber affair that's been happening so far.That's not real love is it?
Best cutting your losses and set yourself free from this marriage and one day you will get the true love and happiness you deserve...stuff her and let her go to her ex and make a new life for yourself. Goodluck.

Answer 9

You are completely correct, your wife is being underhanded and dishonest. If there was nothing to worry about she would have shared this with you from the start. My husband had an online relationship, when I found out about it he lied about it over and over and even flew abroad to sleep with her, so please don't take her word for it that this is nothing to worry about. You obviously have some issues in your marriage, and you both need to sit down and talk them through , even go to counselling, it has helped us. My husband knew I was reading his emails and texts and changed all his passwords and pin numbers, saying it was because he was 'worried' about me 'being obsessed'.
Tell her of course you don't trust her, she is being deceitful. Stand your ground, tell her you love her but she can't meet him under these circumstances unless you go too. After all, you are her husband and she should involve you in every step of this.

Answer 10

And some people have the nerve to think only men are like this!?!?!BIN my Friend-the RECYCLE BIN,the RUBBISH BIN,whatever BIN,your wife deserves to be in one.Best of luck mate,there is someone better out there for you,you do not need this,i'm only sorry for you that you may never see your step daughter again-two lives wasted for the cheaters lust.What a great shame,but no...you are not out of line,and judging by the amount of posts you have,you are correct in what you did.BEST OF:-)