Does this make sense? My sister was proofreading and she said it didn't.?

Question

Richard paced through the throne room as his wife laid in bed giving birth to their first child. The pacing made him even more worried about the troubles of the kingdom, barbaric troops led by the infamous Alaric Garrison tore through the once unified kingdom. In time, Garrison’s forces would come to the heart of the kingdom and the weakened English forces would lose leaving the kingdom on its knees.
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And would anyone be interested in reading the essay I have so far? I'm have some medieval talk in it and I don't know if I'm doing it right.

Answer 1

Of course it makes sense and more. There's a raw, rough youthful charm to your original language that will be lost if you polish the paragraph too much.

I notice you've asked the question twice and you've received many answers including numerous attempts to paraphrase or rewrite your paragraph. Nearly all of these rewrites fail. The one from the former editor is fatally limp. Did you notice that several youngsters posting back to you said, Cool, or Sounds intriguing? That's because your original paragraph conveys an authenticity and an energy that can't be faked.

Please keep the wonderful detail about the wife giving birth while barbarians ravage the kingdom. People who question or complain about this pairing don't see the edgy counterpoint tension it imparts, which adds to the sparkle.

There's one thing, though. I'm finickety about verb conjugation, so please believe all those folks who mentioned that his wife "lay" in bed giving birth. One more thing: "barbaric troops led by the infamous ..." should begin a new sentence.

I notice from your questions in folder that you're really working on this medieval situation. Suspect that the full story will see the wife on her feet not long after giving birth. And the kingdom? Poor Richard? How will we ever find out?

Good luck to you. I'm sure your teacher will appreciate your originality and creativity.

Answer 2

Richard paced through the throne room as his wife LAY in bed giving birth to their first child. The pacing made him even more worried about the troubles of the kingdom. Barbaric troops led by the infamous Alaric Garrison tore through the once unified kingdom. In time, Garrison’s forces would come to the heart of the kingdom, and the weakened English forces would lose, leaving the kingdom on its knees.

Answer 3

First off, some slight grammar issues, with changes beset in asterisks:

Richard paced through the throne room as his wife *lay* in bed giving birth to their first child. The pacing made him even more worried about the troubles of the kingdom*:* barbaric troops led by the infamous Alaric Garrison tore through the once unified kingdom. In time, Garrison’s forces would come to the heart of the kingdom*,* and the weakened English forces would lose*,* leaving the kingdom on its knees.

It makes sense, but it sounds like creative writing, not an essay. Maybe I need more details...

Answer 4

On reviewing what (and how much!) I've written here, I thought I should introduce my response by saying that you've written a very good lead; it sets up your characters, reviews your backstory, and introduces some foreshadowing. So do NOT be put off by the fact that I've written a billion words about what's wrong with it -- I'm taking the time to explain WHY the changes I recommend are necessary or important because I think you're worth it. So with that spoonful of sugar, let's get to the medicine. :-)

"...as his wife lay [not "laid"] in bed..." Lie and lay are two different verbs, often confused; the correct verb here is "lie," which takes the past tense form "lay;" the word "laid" is the past tense of the verb "to lay," which requires an object. So "He laid the dagger on the nightstand before he lay down on the bed" demonstrates the correct usage of both verbs. Or looked at another way: you can lie by yourself, but you need another to lay...

The sentence that begins with "The pacing made..." either needs a conjunction ("as" would be good) after the comma, or the comma needs to become a semicolon, as follows:

"The pacing made him even more worried about the troubles of the kingdom; barbaric troops led by the infamous Alaric Garrison tore through the once-unified kingdom." Why? Because the two elements you've separated by the comma (the pacing made him worried; troops tore through the kingdom) are independent sentences, with their own subject, verb and objects. So they need to be separated (in which case you can use a period or a semicolon) or joined (in which case you need a conjunction -- in this case "as" or "while" would be good).

Also, do note the hyphen between "once" and "unified;" use a hyphen to join a modifier with a past participle when they function as an adjective ("once-unified kingdom," "twice-cooked pork," "thrice-happy daughter"), but use a space when the modifier implies a missing sentence ("the kingdom, once unified, had shattered into rival fiefdoms" -- because "once unified" is a very shorthand way of saying "the kingdom had once been unified").

And finally, "...the weakened English forces would lose, leaving the kingdom on its knees."

The best (and smallest! :-) reference for writers is "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White. You can buy it from Amazon.com using the link I included in the Sources field, below. It's only 85 pages, and it's got 95% of what you need to know to write clear, sharp prose, whether professionally or academically. And it's an enjoyable, pleasant read.

But let's take a step back. I'm troubled by "In time, Garrison's forces would come..." -- is this what's worrying Richard? (My guess.) How does he know they WILL come? It's the kind of sentence that would be perfect in a history paper (In time, Cromwell's parliamentary troops would defeat the royalist forces of King Charles and eventually execute him), but in fiction (and this IS fiction, right?), never forget that your characters don't know how things are going to turn out. So make it clear that it's Richard thinking this --

"In time, Richard feared, Garrison's forces would come to the heart of the kingdom..."

Or you can draw the reader's eye to Richard's apprehension: "It was only a matter of time, Richard feared, before Garrison's forces would..." This gives you the foreshadowing you want, but it also gives us an insight into Richard's worries. And if you're really being thorough, you could use a more vigorous verb than "come to the heart" -- strike, pierce, hew their way, pillage, plunder, etc. etc. etc.

And I added one more book to the Sources field... "The White Company" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Better known as the creator of Sherlock Holmes, Doyle was also the author of several novels about medieval life, chivalry, and combat. These stories take place in the 14th century, during the Hundred Years War; they follow the adventures of a group of English soldiers in the long battle between England and France. I last read them thirty years ago but if you're interested in medieval life, these are a lot of fun, with lots of detail about how they lived, traveled, and fought. If you have any interest in medieval life, you will LOVE this book -- it's up there with "Ivanhoe," "Men of Iron," "The Black Rose," etc. And I would be utterly remiss if I do not mention contemporary works, such as "The Canterbury Tales;" if you really want to hear how people spoke, get a copy that prints it in the original and in modern translation. "Whan that Aprille with hir shoures soote/The droghte of Merche, that perced to the roote..."

Answer 5

This probably sounds better:
Richard paced around in the throne room...As he was pacing he began to get even more worried about the troubles of the kingdom because the barbaric troops led by......

Other than that the rest sounds great. You may even want to use some transitional words like however, and therefore just to name a few

Answer 6

If you avoid being triumphal and enthusiastic you will have no need to comprehend or deploy into understanding the essay. What I got from it is the pig headed king is actually bored from the sight of seing his kingdom in hands of other less capable than his own breed, and the idea of his own woman avoiding her commitment assails him into the idea of surrender instead of proving the enemy´s standpoint. That is actual monarchy, so his only choice could be laugh out and face battle, or perhaps wait for the outcome and eat a fancy last supper. It is a funny script. It does make sense, figures european barbarians do believe in supremacy, not power or figures of dominion. Bye.

Answer 7

instead of "about the troubles of the kingdom, barbaroic..."
try "about the troubles of the kingdom. Babaric troops, led by the infamous Alaric Garrison, tore..."

Answer 8

Proofreading -
In the first sentence the verb should be "lay," not laid.
The second sentence should have a semi-colon or dash after the first "kingdom," and kingdom is redundant. Perhaps replace the first kingdom with "land."
The third sentence should have a comma after "lose," and optionally one after "kingdom."

[Content, not proofreading] How does pacing make someone nervous? Isn't it more a symptom of nervousness?
You "bring" someone "to" their knees, not "leave" them.

Hope this helps!

Answer 9

There are some mistakes. See a corrected version: " Richard paced through the throne room as his wife laid (lay) in bed giving birth to their first child. The pacing made him even more worried about the troubles of the kingdom. Barbaric troops led by the infamous Alaric Garrison tore (were tearing/rampaging) through the once unified kingdom (realm - too many "kingdoms"). In time, Garrison’s forces would come to the heart of the kingdom (his domain - again, too many "kingdoms") and the weakened English forces would lose (insert comma here) leaving the kingdom on its knees."

Answer 10

It all makes sense except the first two sentences about the wife giving birth what does that have to do with the rest of the paragraph?Hope that helped you a little bit good luck..I would be happy to read the rest of your essay too.