OK so I'm bisexual... and married...?

Question

My husband has always known that I am bisexual and he excepted it until recently... he said that it bothers him when I am with a woman (basically because he is left out) but I dont want to stop... and I dont want him to join either. How can I tell my husband that I dont want to stop this and have him except it again?!?

Answer 1

You want your cake and eat it too.

Answer 2

When many people marry, there is a line in the vows that says something along the lines of "to keep from all others."

Traditionally, marriage kept people from having illegitimate children. It was often hard enough to feed all the mouths, the couple wanted to make sure that it was just the product of them two and no more--she didn't want some other woman dropping off kids when things were tough because the husband was the father nor did the husband want the wife coming up pregnant with another child unless it was his child.

Your practice is not going to get you pregnant, so technically it isn't adultery, some other man is not diluting (where the word adulteration comes from) your husband's line of offspring. But you might bring back a disease, and that would be hard to explain and hard to defend.

The real catch, though, is the emotional attachment. You are going to someone else for sexual release, for intimate acts. That is pretty hard for a lot of folks to handle. Consider too, that he possibly has passed up opportunities and yet didn't because he was being faithful to you. What you are doing is not being faithful to him. Go see a counselor, they could help you--both of you and both of you could stand some help.

Answer 3

Rmdndange has it right.

You are shortchanging your husband & harming an important relationship - partners who accept bisexuality are not easy to find. Please try to see things from his point of view: close your eyes in a quiet place for 5 minutes & imagine you are him. This excercise has helped me understand thorny relationships I have had.

Bisexuality allows us a view on the world that is neither only masculine nor only feminine - this is our real strength, what we can bring to others. The cost is that, until we have some resolution of our physical sexuality, there is a restlessness which must be addressed, one way or another. The answer is not always to follow it, just as it is not always to "give it up". Always following makes us little different than an animal. Denying what exists leads to psychological problems & relationship failures.

Whatever you & your husband decide, may it be with honesty & consideration for the wants & needs of each other.

;-)

Answer 4

I guess you have to tell him just what you said here.

Have you asked him why he has changed the way he feels? Have you done anything differently than before; for example, are you spending more time with your GF than before? How long were you together with him being accepting of it before he changed his mind? Do you have a new GF that he doesn't like?

I know that's a lot of questions, but it could be so many things. If you love him you should try to work with him to understand. Only when you understand *why* he feels as he does can you address it.

I hope this helps. I'm married and bi as well, but my husband and hers participate, so it's a little different.

And don't let *anyone* tell you that you don't have a real marriage. No one should judge any marriage but their own.

Answer 5

There really is no easy way to bring it up. I am bisexual as well, and engaged to be married. My fiancee is fine with it, but we haven't had any threesomes or anything. I think that in his mind he thought that it would be cool having a wife who likes women, but maybe he thought that it meant that he could participate too. It always creates conflict bringing someone else into your bed, especially if one partner isn't allowed to participate. There really isn't a lot of room for compromise on this issue, because inevitably someone's going to feel hurt, neglected, or used. You both need to sit down and figure out first off, if there is going to be more than just the two of you in bed, and secondly, what are the ground rules here? What is acceptable and what is not. Figuring out your limits and assuring him that you love him, not for sex, but for him, and that being with other women is purely sexual is extremely important. (If it's not just sexual for you, you both may want to see a marraige councellor). I wish you luck with your situation. *By the way, there is nothing sick or disgusting about being gay or bisexual. People who are that way can't help it anymore than they can help what race they are, or anymore than someone born with a birth defect can help how they look, think, and act. It is a part of who you are. Don't let anyone ever make you feel bad about it.*

Answer 6

Before he was ok with you having a woman on the side. Now it's become a problem in the relationship. By getting to the root of his issue with it, you may be able to work on him being ok with you seeking intimacy outside of the relationship. If the issue is that he wants it to be a completely one-on-one monogamous relationship and you want something different than that, unfortunately the relationship may be at an end.

Answer 7

I am also bisexual and am in a relationship with a man. I feel the same way. I want my sexual relationships separate, for I don't want to share. I'm sorry, but your husband knew that you were bi going into the relationship and I think the only reason he is begrudging you, is because he wants to guilt you into letting him in on the action. You did not lie to him, did you? You were honest from the get go, he accepted it. If my s.o. did this, I would calmly reinterate this.

Answer 8

I was in sort of the same situation. The woman who would become my wife had allowed me to have a man on the side, since we lived in different cities. She had women on the side, too. Except that she eventually regretted it, and told me so, and told me she'd give up the other women to have me with her and all to herself. Events happened that made the decision for her a very clear and obvious one. If you are a praying woman, pray about it. Whether you are or not, write a list of pros and cons for everything--monogamy and non-monogamy, being with him versus being with a woman. Ask yourself if you are prepared to lose him. One option should look bigger than another quite quickly.

Answer 9

Quite frankly, unless you are willing to do something to make the situation amicable, he's not the one being unfair. You are.
Either drop the girl, let him join in, give him permission to find someone else on the side(just like you have) or deal with the fact that you are going to lose one of them if not both.

Answer 10

basicly you are cheating on your husband. Sorry but just because it's with a girl don't make it right. Not letting him join (even thou I don't agree with any of this) is like saying "it's ok for me but not you" and it also sounds like your not just into it for sex which would make him feel even more insucure in the relationship. I'd say either stop altogether or let him join in or before long he'll find him someone on the side just like your doing.

Answer 11

I' m glad that some of these people are not representing the whole bi populations... It worries me that some people think just because they are bi- thus would mean they are in titled to two partners.. One of a man and one of a woman.... But because there partner is str8ght they are not allowed to participate and they can only have them.. This is deemed selfish and one sided...