Does this make sense? My sister was proofreading and she said it didn't.?

Question

Richard paced through the throne room as his wife laid in bed giving birth to their first child. The pacing made him even more worried about the troubles of the kingdom, barbaric troops led by the infamous Alaric Garrison tore through the once unified kingdom. In time, Garrison’s forces would come to the heart of the kingdom and the weakened English forces would lose leaving the kingdom on its knees.

Would anyone be interested in reading the essay I have so far? I'm have some medieval talk in it and I don't know if I'm doing it write.

So no one has ever thought about something and then thought about another thing?

Answer 1

Yes, though both style and punctuation necessitate a re-write.

Answer 2

There are some mistakes. See a corrected version:

" Richard paced through the throne room as his wife laid (lay) in bed giving birth to their first child. The pacing made him even more worried about the troubles of the kingdom. Barbaric troops led by the infamous Alaric Garrison tore (were tearing/rampaging) through the once unified kingdom (realm - too many "kingdoms"). In time, Garrison’s forces would come to the heart of the kingdom (his domain - again, too many "kingdoms") and the weakened English forces would lose (insert comma here) leaving the kingdom on its knees."

Answer 3

It makes sense, it just needs to be tightened up a bit with puncuation, spelling and make the narrative a little bit clearer about how Richard is thinking.

"Pacing made him worry even more about the troubles facing the kingdom. Barbaric troops led by the infamaous Alaric Garrison tore a unmendable swath through the once unified kingdom. Garrison's forces would march through the heart of the kingdom, weakening and debiltating the English forces, leaving the once-mighty kingdom on its knees."

Does that help?

Answer 4

I might try it this way:

"Richard paced through the throne room as his wife lay in bed giving birth to their first child. Unfortunately, his nervous pacing only served to make him even more worried about the troubles of the realm. Barbaric troops led by the infamous Alaric Garrison were tearing through the once unified kingdom. In time, Garrison’s forces would come to the heart of the kingdom and the weakened English forces would be defeated, leaving the kingdom on its knees."

Answer 5

Try this:

Richard paced through the throne room as his wife laid in bed giving birth to their first child. The pacing made him even more worried about the troubles of HIS kingdom AS barbaric troops led by the infamous Alaric Garrison tore through the once unified kingdom. In time, Garrison’s forces would come to the heart of the kingdom and the weakened English forces would lose leaving the kingdom on its knees.

Answer 6

It's a tad too jumbled. I would definitety re-word this. Particularly "The pacing made him even more worried about the troubles of the kingdom, barbaric troops led by the infamous Alaric Garrison tore through the once unified kingdom." This sentence needs some major help.

Answer 7

It does, but some of the punctuation is off. Here's mine:

Richard paced through the throne room as his wife lay in bed giving birth to their first child. The pacing made him even more worried about the troubles of the kingdom. Barbaric troops led by the infamous Alaric Garrison tore through the once unified kingdom. In time, Garrison’s forces would come to the heart of the kingdom, defeating the weakened English forces and leaving the kingdom on its knees.

Answer 8

...as his wife lay in bed...

You need to connect the pacing to the kingdom's trouble with a reason that the reader can comprehend. Walking, by itself, does not normally bring politics to mind.

You should end the sentence after the word "kingdom" and begin another sentence to supply the details relating to the kingdom's troubles.

Barbaric troops led by Alaric Garrison had torn through the once unified kingdom.

There's no need to describe Alaric Garrison as being infamous, since the infamy of anybody whose troops tear up kingdoms can be inferred.

You might put a comma between "heart of the kingdom" and "and the weakened English forces..." You need a comma after the word "lose."

Richard paced through the throne room as his wife lay in bed giving birth to their first child. Pacing always made him think about politics, and despite his concern for his wife, he began to worry about the land's troubles. Alaric Garrison's barbaric troops had torn through the once unified kingdom. They would soon come to its heart, and the weakened English forces weren't ready to meet them in battle. The realm would be on its knees before its foe.

Answer 9

What does his wife giving birth have to do with the rest of the paragraph? As a published novelist, I suggest you be more realistic. He's either going to be pacing outside the birth chamber or he's going to be in a council meeting discussing these worries and maybe have a thought or two for his wife. The whole thing smacks of telling the story rather than showing it.

Answer 10

You are mixing your verb tenses. Try he paced as his wife lay in bed giving birth. And did the pacing make him worry or did he become increasingly worried as he paced. The troops were tearing through the once unified kingdom.

Answer 11

Makes good sense to me. However, The second sentence starting with "The pacing...." should be ended with a period after kingdom and a new sentence starts with the word "Barbaric...." Or if you want those two sentences more closely related, a semi-colon instead of a period perhaps. It seems to me they are two separate thoughts and as it is, with only a comma, it seems a run-on sentence to me--and, I think reasonable people can disagree over this point. Otherwise, this was well-written.