he told me this two years ago. he wanted another woman that didn't want him so he decided to stick around and try and make our marriage work. well, it's not working, i can't get over the hurt he caused me knowing that i am second choice. we still live together because we can't afford a divorce or to live apart, i sleep on the sofa. now heres my problem, i recently met a man and i think we could be happy together but i don't know if it is right to go out with him or not. i really want to start a new life with someone that i can be happy with, but at the same time i feel guilty about leaving my husband, what would you do.
2006-10-09 04:45:59 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You shoudnt feel guilty at all. Hes the one that should feel guilty. If he doesnt love you, then get out of there. Id see this other man, who cares what ppl think. Your hubby doesnt love you, so move on. I cant believe its YOU thats sleeping on the sofa. It should be him. BUT this is a typical assh*le of a man.
Id move out, live with a relative if you can. Id look into this other man youve met. You dont deserve to go thru another day with the jerk youre with. How cruel of him. If he didnt love you, then he should have never let 26 yrs go by.
You sound like a very decent woman. Youre feeling guilty cuz you have a heart. Its over and its BEEN over. Dont worry about feeling like youre doing the wrong thing by going out with this other man. You DESERVE to go out with someone that wants to be with you. Go out, have fun, you need it, and you deserve it. Good luck with getting away from this unhealthy marriage. Its way over due.
2006-10-09 05:08:50 · answer #1 · answered by ~~ 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Before creating another situation, clean up the first mess first.
My guess is that you loved your husband up until the point that he told you he had never loved you. How can your husband make this work after what he's said? The matter is still unresolved for you. You probably not been able to express how hurt you are; if you're in separate rooms, my guess is that there's been very little done on either of your parts to bring closure to the situation.
See an attorney and find out what your legal and financial options are. You may find that you're actually able to divorce him and have enough to take care of yourself financially. Before you say no to a divorce, at least take the time to find out what you can do. I think ending the marriage is inevitable. You don't want to be married to him; you need to focus on what's best for you.
Secondly, I would not pursue any relationship until you've ended it with your husband. No matter what your situation is now, it's still adultery. Don't disrespect him in the same way he disrespected you. Also, if you were to start a new relationship, how far could it really develop if you're still married and living with your husband? Don't go sneaking around, it's just too much pressure. If you eventually divorce, he could use that against you. Your life should be about being free to live your life. Getting involved under the present circumstance will just create more headaches than what you need.
Don't feel guilty about leaving your husband. He didn't care enough about you to be honest with you, to be faithful to you or to make a real effort to ask your forgiveness and reconcile.
The only way to have the life you want is to free yourself up so you can pursue it.
2006-10-09 05:25:26 · answer #2 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seek counseling to help you get over him. You are not happy with or without your husband, and you cannot afford a divorce from him. You have unfinished business with your husband to take care of before you date and get another person involved in your situation. Why are you subjecting yourself to living with this man and sleeping on the sofa? What do you have to feel guilty for? Your husband said he never loved you and that he stuck around because another woman didn`t want him. Do you want more years of living like this with him? You can find a roomate to share living expenses or perhaps a relative you could stay with. Don`t walk, run as fast as you can to get away from this marriage, but not into the new guy`s arms either. Do not get involved with this other man until you have taken care of the problem that you have, your husband. If the new man in your life is a nice person then he deserves better than problems with a husband that you are not divorced from. Do not complicate matters by getting involved with the new man in your life.
2006-10-09 05:34:42 · answer #3 · answered by Sparkles 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let me start by saying that I'm so very sorry that you are in this painful situation. I will keep you in my prayers.
Now, what you need to do is take care of one thing at a time. If you can't afford to live apart or get a divorce, how can you expect to start a new life with someone else? I know that finances are always ugly and they seem as though they may never get any better, but you have to deal with the soon-to-be Ex first.
Are you employed? Do you own or rent? Do you have anything in savings? First I would speak with my husband and explain your current situation. You said yourself that you weren't his first choice, so he should be able to suck it up when you tell him that he isn't yours either. You should then go on to tell him that you would like to move out and get a divorce, but you both need to evaluate a plan to do that.
If you own, sell the house. It's not fun, and it's not pretty, but it's necessary. You need money to move on. I would also review my possessions and make a list as to what are the 10 things (Excluding family heirlooms, photos, things of extreme sentimental value and the like) you would save from a fire. Anything else, can be sold. Sell whatever you can. If it's mutual property between you and your husband, explain that you will be selling it and split the profit. Put that money into a savings account.
Your husband has been the bad guy up until this point, but two wrongs don't make a right. Make sure that you are both ready to move out around the same time.
Once you are out of the house and moving on with your life, feel free to pursue the new relationship while you save more money for a divorce. I would wait to move in with your new fella until after the divorce was final.
Just be sure that you are truthful with both your husband and your new man. And be truthful to yourself. Make sure that leaving your husband is the right thing for you personally. Don't let his or your new man's feelings get in the way. But most importantly take things slowly. You need time to grieve. Ending a marriage isn't easy; it's like a death. You need to understand that you've invested so much of your life into it and now it's gone. Don't cry on your new man's shoulders for this; he deserves the healthy you.
2006-10-09 05:06:58 · answer #4 · answered by cara_007 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dump your husband. What an incredibly thoughtless, selfish man. Why did he feel the need to tell you all of that? That's just heartless and cruel, but it does give you the freedom to just get rid of the @sshole.
You need to move out and get a divorce. I know the financial situation is rough, and it may take you a bit of time to be able to save up for a new place, but you have to do it. You have to get away from him so that you can find happiness. At the very least, that jerk should be the one sleeping on the sofa. Don't let him push you around any more.
As for your new man, well. Your whole situation is very sticky right now. It may not be the best move to bring someone else into it, but then again, it may be what you need. Why don't you just hang out with him? Don't think of it as leaving your husband, because he already left you. And don't think of the new guy too seriously. It may work out and be sunshine and roses and puppy kisses, but maybe not. Don't rely on him to rescue you from an unhappy marriage, and don't move in with him immediately. I think you really need some space to figure out what _you_ want and what _you_ need.
And, seriously? Take back the bed. Freakin' selfish @sshole should be the one with the back pain.
2006-10-09 04:54:07 · answer #5 · answered by random6x7 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I would do everything in my power to make it work first. I would suggest on getting couseling as a couple. If he does not love you or want it to work then get a divorce and move on. When you move on don't rush into a realtionship too quick. Take your time and really think about it. I mean you guys been together for 26 years do you really want to throw all that hard work away?There are ways of getting a divorce without it being expensive. I mean there is no sense on sticking around if he does not love you. Do you have children? I wish you much luck hun and I am so sorry about what your going through.
2006-10-09 04:50:55 · answer #6 · answered by shyhonney 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How sad! Were there good times together? Did ya have kids? He never loved you, sheesh, what an awful thing to say, but he was with you for 26 years....that amounts to some kind of love and loyalty doesnt it? Does he still feel that way? Wow. Uno, two people who came together can fall in love with each other all over again. Why dont you try to 'date' your spouse...get to know each other all over again?
Change your surroundings, move...do some things to bring excitement to your lives. Sounds as if things might just be stale and monotonous.
Shake things up! Id stay and try to work on it now since it seems you parted each other two years ago but are still living together. If it doesnt work after trying all avenues....ask yourself this question again.
2006-10-09 04:56:46 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, it is pretty rude for your current husband to be talking to you like that. I know that your heart is with him, its because you are used to your relationship, you are in a steady routine and it could be hard to break. But it is not something you should feel "guilty" over. Your husband basically did the same thing to you, exept it didn't work out for him. Hopefully you can be with this new man and have it work out great for you. This could be your light at the end of the tunnel. I would get out of your marriage in order to save who you are. Sometimes people get lost in unhappy situations, and you, by all means, deserve to be happy. Do some soul searching and focus on whats in your heart.
2006-10-09 04:50:27 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Where's your self-respect? We treat people how to treat us. Don't wait for your husband to make the move. Get yourself moved out of that house and into a place of your own, and then you can pursue any relationship that you want once you are living on your own. Your husband obviously isn't happy in your marriage, and if he's not happy neither are you. Move on and take care of you. You both deserve to be happy. Take the initiative and move out, your self-respect is what will get you through this breakup, so the sooner the better.
2006-10-09 05:36:58 · answer #9 · answered by MegMaher 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes you have been with him for 26 years, wow!!!!
But, life is too short! Why suffer??? Sleeping on the couch? Come on, you are already apart. You are just not legally divorced! If he has not really loved you then he should not mind you dating!
Take a chance. Date him. If it works then leave your husband. If not, then up to you.
Do not suffer ever in life!
2006-10-09 04:50:03 · answer #10 · answered by The Ultimate Nerd 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋